Thursday, 24 December 2009

Who needs Santa when you've got best friends?

I have had the best two nights of my life and my faith in Christmas has been restored.

As I told you, I was having a Christmas with my friends, so, I did, and it was amazing. The presents we got and gave were amazing, the atmosphere was amazing, and the company was beyond amazing. Quick note before you start; Keya, the camp one who’s house we stayed at. David, also gay and brilliantly weird. Louisa, loud, straight and a lot of fun. Brodie, the best friend of many, many years. Here’s how it went:

Tuesday, David and I went to town, I got my hair cut, we did some irrelevant, unexciting stuff, went back to his, where his mother gave me several items from around the house she didn’t want which I could give to my little sister as Christmas presents (it’s the thought that counts, right?), and then went to Keya’s. Also, while David and I were in town, we walked round the back of the bus station, and found a shoe box with a pair of worn, old, black canvas shoes, from Primark (so, they would have cost £2, new). David and I being, well, David and I, decided it would be a good idea to take them, as they were clearly not wanted, wrap them up and give them to Keya as a Christmas present. We also found a discarded Dora the Explorer badge on our travels, which we deemed perfect for Louisa. We then later wrapped up the badge and placed it in the biggest box we could find, for the soul reason of confusing her.

David and I arrived at Keya’s house, and we then walked to the shops near his house, to meet Brodie and stock up on food for that evening and the next day. All together we bought 8 boxes of chips, 3 mini pizzas, Alphabetti, a box of Celebrations, a box of Cadbury’s Heroes, 2 big bags of Sensations, 2 tubs of Ben & Jerry’s, 4 pain au chocolats, and probably more, coming to a total of just over £22. Oops! We got back to Keya’s, cooked our dinner, and ate it, whilst waiting for Lou.

Louisa arrived and the present opening began. Everything was amazing; I don’t think any of us got bad presents. I made Brodie a t-shirt, that had the gay pride flag in the background, a picture of us in the corner in a heart and it said ‘I’m not a lesbian but my best friend is’. Keya got heels that said ‘Queen’ inside, a maids outfit, big pink sunglasses, long black gloves and a Cruella de Vil style cigarette holder, which he wore all together, along with his ‘GaGa wig’ and wrapping paper as boobs. If you live in the UK and not under a rock, you’ll know about Rage Against the Machine vs. X Factor for Christmas number 1. Keya is strongly on team X Factor, so Lou got him a CD, with Joe McElderry’s single cover on the front, but burnt onto the CD was RATM. His face was hilarious! He also got a serious CD, which was Glee: Volume 1. Louisa, who is terrified of sheep, got a blow up sex sheep, curtsy of David, and I got her a sheep necklace. David also got Keya and Lou porn DVDs each, one called, Toy Stories, and the other, Headmaster 2. David was given a space hopper and a slinky, much to his delight, and among other things, fake nipples, as its well know that David has erectile dysfunction in his nipples. Louisa and I were given mugs where the picture on the front changes as hot water is added. Louisa got two lesbians, one on top of the other, and their clothes disappear when hot water is added, revealing everything, and I got a girl in a bikini, where the same thing happens as hot water is added. I also was given a turkey baster and a pregnancy test, naked women on my wrapping paper, a book (obviously for ironies sake) called ‘How to Pull Girls’, three lesbian DVDs and Xena: Warrior Princess for Playstation 2.

We then started drinking, laughing, generally being merry and listening to Christmas songs. Brodie needed to be home, so we walked her, since she only lives 5 minutes away from Keya’s, whist freezing and sliding on the ice as we went.

We got back, and ended up going to sleep at about 3, with a very drunk Louisa and Keya sleeping on the double airbed on the floor, and a relatively sober David and I sleeping on a sofa each. I awoke at 12 and the others woke up at half past. We had a pain au chocolat each, and half a tub of Ben & Jerry’s, along with the sweets and chocolate we received as presents, whilst watching Glee, all day, until about 7 when David and Lou got picked up. It was very chilled, and really lovely. We also looked at the many pictures that had been taken the previous evening, which was hilarious.

I can’t quite describe how amazing the two days I had was. I just know that I am extremely grateful for having such amazing, amazing friends, who I love very much. It wasn’t the presents, the food, the lights, decorations, music, drink, etc that made this Christmas special. It was spending it with the people I love, and having an amazing time with them. That’s what Christmas is about.

Thursday, 17 December 2009

The holidays are coming.

My. Life. Sucks.

Seriously, I have nothing to write about apart from just general updates, so, firstly, I am sorry that it’s so boring, and secondly, I’ll try and make everything sound much more interesting than it actually is.

Well, I finished my last day of college today, as we are breaking up for the holidays.
I’ve realised that I physically cannot watch the videos of Regina Spektor back because one, it physically hurts, and two, it takes me back to a very dark emotional place.
I am going for an all you can eat Chinese buffet tomorrow with my friends, David, Eloise and maybe some other people. I can’t remember! So, I am not eating from now, as I want to get my moneys worth!!
Also, Christmas may actually be enjoyable again this year! Usually, I am a total Scrooge at Christmas. Ever since I grew up, realised Santa didn’t exist, and stopped getting excited over the little presents, Christmas has been shit. I find it far too materialistic, and it annoys me. The presents, the lights, the decorations… It’s too much and wastes too much energy and resources! Among other things, my Christmas consists of having to spend hours with family members who I see twice a year (Christmas and birthdays) despite the fact that they live 10 minutes away, at the most! To put it simply, it’s full of awkward conversations, over politeness and stuff I really don’t care about. To put the angel on the tree, so to speak, my father gets far too drunk and insists on showing us home videos over, and over, and over again, regardless of the fact that we saw them last year, and the last time they came round… He doesn’t get it that no one cares!!
Anyway, that is my usual Christmas. But this year, I’m excited, because David, Louisa, Keya and I are all getting each other presents and it’s all secrets to the person we’re buying for, but the others can know, so we’ve been having amazing fun buying presents, which are very amusing and generally brilliant! I can’t say what the presents I got are, for fear of them finding out, but I’ll definitely tell you afterwards. For our Christmas on the 22nd, we’re going round Keya’s house, drinking, watching Christmas films, and opening our presents. Also, Brodie, my all time best friend, has got me amazing presents, and I’ve got her better ones, which should be fun. Brodie and I have a Christmas tradition of telling each other what we want, and openly buying it for each other! But this year, I’ve made her a t-shirt as well as buying her other things (again, I’m not telling you what it says, you’ll have to wait and see!) which is amazing!

Also, these rage fits are not going. I am getting far too irritated with the littlest things. I can’t seem to control my rage. Here’s how my one started just now. I kindly asked my father if he could possibly take time out of his extremely busy schedule of being a loving father, wonderful husband and a great employee. He then turned around, looked at my sweet innocent face, while contorting his into a hideous grimace. Storming up to me, eyes like fire, face like thunder, I cowered as he tightly gripped my neck with his hands… Okay, this never happened. I just felt it’d be more fun to write about it this way. After I asked him, he told me that I had to tidy my room before I did it, which, I know I do, it’s a disgusting mess, but I’ll never admit that to my parents! Regardless, after he refused, I phoned my mother. By this, I mean, I phoned the house phone. Dad answered, I said ‘No, I don’t want you.’ And he shouted to Mum to not answer cause ‘it’s only Tash’. I phoned again, and again, and again until she answered. I told her what happened, that even though Dad had promised he’d do it, he wasn’t, and she agreed with him! Okay, I am well aware that this is all pathetic and immature, but it got to me, so I shouted ‘Fuck off!’ down the phone, threw it across the room and there is currently a dent in my wall and my phone is somewhere in my room…
So, I’m sat here blasting Regina Spektor out from my iPod! It doesn’t quite have the same effect as, for example, screamo or metal would, so I might change it to Tegan & Sara or something less… Beautiful. It’s all about the effect.

That’s my life so far, and apparently I seem to be able to write about nothing in lots of words! I also had a ridiculous lack in motivation to go through and check this again, so apologies if it doesn’t make sense.

Friday, 11 December 2009

From Blogspot to Tumblr (and a quick update).

So, I’ve officially set up a Tumblr account, and have started blogging on there. I’m still gonna use Blogspot, don’t worry people! I’m just going to use both. Basically, it makes it easier for more people to follow my blog, and also, some of my friends have Tumblr and it’s so much easier this way! Basically, I don’t want either site to think I am neglecting them, because I will be blogging the exact same thing to both sites. K?

Let’s see, I think an update is in order.

Earlier, I totally freaked out and I have no idea why. I just had a massive rage spasm! What happened was, I was up in my room, playing my keyboard, and I shouted down to my Mum asking her when dinner was going to be ready. For some strange reason, she started being awkward saying that she didn’t know. Then, she started ignoring me. This is when I rang the house phone, and she hung up on me!! I don’t know why, but this all made me really angry, and I kept shouting (screaming as loud as I could, really) at her, and she kept ignoring me, which stressed me out more, resulting in me throwing my phone across my room, onto my wall, almost shattering my phone, and lifting my laptop above my head, ready to throw it until I realised that I’m screwed if it breaks. I don’t know why I got so angry, I really don’t. I used to get fits of rage like this, where I would try and smash things, but I was like 12 then. I’m 17 now, I’ve matured a lot and can (usually!) control my temper really well, so well in fact, I never have to control it!

I really don’t know what’s going on with me. I had another one earlier in the week, where I freaked cause my parents wouldn’t open the garage for me. It’s taken me at least half an hour to calm down each time. Hopefully, this will stop. It might just be a ‘hormone imbalance’ or cause Christmas is a stressful time of year or something. I hope this will pass. I really do.

Saturday, 5 December 2009

A quick thank you.

This is just to say thank you to anyone who reads this, and an even bigger thank you to my friends, who don't just read my blogs when I demand they do, but they're naturally amazing. Thank you so much guys. You make my life a lot better, and I love you all. Thank you.

(To be more specific; Brodie, Keya, David, Lou and Tom. BFFs!)

The second best day of my life.

I am currently in a deep depression. Why? Last night I saw Regina Spektor. Okay, to you that sounds like a paradox, to me, it’s an oxymoron.

Friday 4th December:

1AM – Sleep.
6AM – Wake up.
6:30AM – Piss parents off by playing Regina Spektor as loud as possible.
8AM – Leave house to get train.
9:15AM – Get into drama and see Georgie’s face beaming up at me.
10:33AM – Get train to Southampton to then get the 12:30PM coach to London with Georgie.
11:10AM – Start taking pictures of EVERYTHING with disposable cameras.
12:10AM – Get on the coach to London with food, drink, cameras and most importantly, an iPod full of Regina Spektor songs.

Georgie and I arrive at London Victoria at approximately 2:30, and it still hadn’t hit me that we were going to see Regina Spektor. We navigate our way to the tube station (by we, I mean, I followed her) then eventually, after over an hour, we got to Hammersmith. It was almost 4 as we got to the Apollo, and we feared we weren’t going to be the first there, but, we were. I saw the Hammersmith Apollo in all it’s glory, and in red letters with a white background it said ‘Regina Spektor’. That’s when it hit me. At that point it actually hit me that I was going to see the woman I have been obsessed with for years. I again got a bit too camera happy at this point and looked like a ‘tourist’.
There we are, at the very front of the queue, at 4 o’clock… Doors didn’t open until 7. For the three hours we had to wait, we listened to Regina Spektor, then sat on the floor, then were completely silent as we had our hoods up, sheltering us from the rain and attempting to retain as much heat as we could.
Seven o’clock drew nearer; we stood up, getting ready to run in so we could get the best seats! They checked our tickets and we were finally inside, in the warm and dry, almost running through the building to get to Regina. Then, we were stopped. Apparently, they were still doing sound checks, so we had to wait at the doors for at least 20 minutes as they tortured us with occasional noises from the stage that was Regina singing, and a small window in which we caught glimpses of her drummer. The time finally came for us to go in; there was a stampede as all the eager fans rushed through the doors, trying to get to the front of the stage. Luckily, Georgie and I found a perfect spot. We were right in the centre at the very front.
We were waiting for Jenny Owen Youngs (Regina’s support act, who also did a duet with Regina called ‘Voice on Tape’) and directly in front of us was one singular microphone, slightly to our left, Regina’s piano, and to our right, her keyboard. It really was the most incredible spot.
Jenny Owen Youngs came on with just a guitar, and played it whilst sung. I have to admit, she was actually very good, as have proceeded to illegally download some of her music today. There’s only one criticism I have about her, and that’s she looked occasionally like a psychopathic serial killer, when she lowered her head and looked straight out. Other than that, brilliant!
There was like a 15 minute gap in between Jenny and Regina and behind us were the most annoying Irish people ever!! Okay, I used to love Irish accents, but not anymore. I can’t physically write down how infuriating they were. They were talking about the most ridiculous things, and what felt like an attempt at anal rape with their bags.
Then Regina came on and it felt like nothing in the world mattered. It was amazing. She started playing The Calculation and I couldn’t control myself; I burst into tears. I saw her, sitting there, playing her piano and singing. She looked and sounded so damn beautiful, and I realised that it was all real.
There are no words I can use to describe to total epicness of the concert, but I cried again, at several other points, and I sang and sang and sang. I am proud to say I knew the names and lyrics to all the songs, even Silly Eye Color Generalizations which is a song that has only been sung live. I was singing along to it, and this stupid bitch next to me kept looking at me, I was like, yeah, I know the words to her unreleased songs, and what? Regardless, during this song, she looked at me. Regina Spektor looked and me and smiled as she was singing. That was one of the best moments of my life to date. I was and am so, so happy.
Regina finished her set with Hotel Song which I videoed for my little sister, as it’s ‘our song’. When it was all over, and she was off the stage, I just stood there, frozen to the spot. I felt empty. It felt as if I had gotten pregnant and really wanted to keep the baby. I’d learnt to love it in the womb, and when it was out, it was the best feeling in the world, but before it’s first birthday the authorities had taken it away. It’s a cruel, tormenting feeling. I stood there, not knowing what to do, I could hardly talk. Sentences were compiled of key words, I plodded like a zombie, I was utterly speechless from how amazing the whole experience was for me, and, to be honest, I was most likely exhausted too.
Not much else happened, I bought a beautiful Regina Spektor hoodie, on the tubes I got extremely teary, we missed our coach so had to get the train with all the Friday night drunkards, which was insanely annoying, but I slept for a good hour, so it wasn’t that bad. I then got back home, still in my zombie like state and slept.
I’m honestly still depressed about the whole thing. It really is like mourning the death of a loved one, but I’m holding on to the fact that I will see her again one day. Hopefully soon. And, as Regina says ‘thought I’d cry for you forever, but I couldn’t, so I didn’t’.
Also, to clarify the title, the best day of my life was Ella being born. Nothing and no one can top that.

Thursday, 3 December 2009

Less than 20 hours, and it still hasn’t sunk in.

In less than 20 hours I will be at the front of a queue, as the doors for Regina Spektor open at the Hammersmith Apollo in London with Georgie. It doesn’t feel real. I feel like it’s not tomorrow. I can’t physically comprehend that my dream of (at least) three years is coming true. I am going to see Regina Spektor. Oh. My. God.
For you to understand why this is such a big deal, I will have to explain it to you. I love Regina Spektor so damn much. Literally, I love her. For starters, I’ve been obsessed with her music for years. I know all her albums. I own the all albums (bar 11:11 because it was released in 2001 at her concerts only, and there was limited hard copies, but I am trying to get hold of one, and I do have the MP3’s of it all) and I have all her unreleased demos. Not only that but I also have all her covers, duets and unreleased live songs, which amounts to around 163 different songs.
If that’s not enough, I have several radio sessions, about eight live recordings of concerts and all the bonus songs of her albums. I am a self-proclaimed ‘Regina SpektWhore’. I am following her on Twitter, a fan on Facebook, subscribed to her YouTube channel. I know her age, her background, her musical influences… I even have her name tattooed on my back!! Basically, I’m completely and utterly obsessed with her. My iPod no longer has any other artists on, bar Regina.
So, like I said, it still hasn’t sunk in. Well, occasionally I’ll get excitement spasms where my heart starts thumping in my chest and my pulse is about the same speed as a hummingbirds wings, my head starts spinning and I feel faint and I develop this ridiculous grin on my face that I can’t control. This doesn’t feel real.
I have a feeling that when I get there, and she’s standing in front of me, I’m going to faint or cry or just die, right there. It’s going to be amazing. Utterly incredible. There is only one downside; it’ll be ages before I get to see her again!
Okay, I’m getting an excitement spasm, so I should probably leave it here. I’ll blog again after I’ve seen her. Oh my fucking God. Regina Spektor!

Monday, 9 November 2009

Regina, GaGa, P!nk, AJ, Glee = <3

It’s late at night, I’m sat in bed, and I’m extremely bored, which brings me to this. Okay, I’m not promising this’ll be an interesting story, consider it more of an update.
First off, I’m going to see Regina Spektor which is a huge, huge thing for me. In fact, it hasn’t actually sunk in yet. It still feels like the dream I’ve been having for years. I can guarantee you a blog after though saying how amazing it was. I’m going with my friend Georgie, and we’ve decided that we’re going to take 2 disposable cameras each, both of our iPods, loaded with Regina songs, and the same with our phones. I’m going to get a t-shirt made that says ‘I have ‘Regina Spektor’ tattooed on the back of my neck’ because, well, I do! It’s going to be the best day of my life, bar maybe my little sister, Ella, being born.
Secondly, I’m also going to see Lady GaGa (with David and Keya) and P!nk (with just Keya so far). Now, these are also two major gigs because you just know that they’re going to be amazing performances, and I love GaGa and P!nk.
One of the reasons I know that GaGa is going to be amazing, is not just because it’s GaGa but because AJ told me. Now, ‘who is AJ’ I hear you ask… Well, I’ll tell you. So, in my previous post, I mentioned the Beaver Bunch, 4 lesbians and a trans guy on a YouTube account, blah, blah, blah. Well, AJ is one of them! I tweeted (@TashSaunders) that I was going to see GaGa, and AJ (@AskAJAnything) tweeted that she was amazing live. We got talking, and Keya (@Keya1992) joined in. AJ then asked me to mention her in my blog, thus, I am. But apparently, I’m not good enough for her to mention me in her video…! Double standards! Its okay, ‘cause she said she’s gonna wear her glasses for me on Wednesday. (Did that even make sense…?)
Oh, and Glee is totally coming back soon (11th November!), and I'm so excited for it! It was stopped for a while, cause of American Football, or something. And it's coming back now! I'm such a 'Gleek', and proud! And I've started watching South of Nowhere, because I'm a massive homo, and it's pretty good.
So, that’s pretty much everything. Life is sweet at the moment. College is good. Work is good. Ella’s good. Just, one thing… I just scratched my wrist and I think I trapped a nerve ‘cause now my elbow really hurts. Other than that, yes, life is sweet.

Saturday, 7 November 2009

Hi, I'm Tash, and I'm gay...

I’m sat in my bed, on my laptop, listening to Tegan & Sara, and then it hits me. I am a giant, raging homo! Just looking around my room you can tell that I am a huge dyke. It looks a little something like this:
All my walls are covered in posters, pictures, photos, drawings, everything! I’m not even sure what colour the walls were. There’s a giant Xena: Warrior Princess poster by my bed, the front covers of DIVA stuck up, pictures of Ellen and Portia, ‘Naomily’ from Skins, several pictures involving The L Word, and when you lie down in my bed, there’s Tanya Chalkin’s Kiss right above you!
Now, this is just my walls. I also have a Buffy the Vampire Slayer calendar, next to my huge gay pride flag that has an ‘I love women’ badge on it, and near my leather jacket. Opposite me right now is season 1-4 of The L Word, a Sugar Rush DVD, all the Tegan & Sara CDs (bar Sainthood) and all the P!nk CDs. On my desk I can see my Lynx Africa, my ‘surfer’ necklace and my moisturiser, for men. Then I looked to my floor, and I can see my boxers, man socks, weights and Mark Hill man straighteners. I literally don’t own any woman’s clothes, bar my bras. I wear boxers, like proper guys ones, men’s socks, men’s tops, jeans, shorts, everything!
All of this is enhanced by the fact that I am in bed with just a wife beater and boxers, I have short hair and I have my tongue and middle labret pierced, and stretched ears.
On YouTube, I'm subscribed to the Beaver Bunch, and on Twitter (@TashSaunders), I’m following at least 3 LGBT type tweeters and various lesbian or gay celebrities, and for some reason there are 7 consecutive people following me, all with the word ‘lesbian’ in…
I use ‘gay slang’ on a regular basis, and when I see another gay person, I give them the ‘nod’ as if to say ‘don’t worry. I’m gay too.’ I even have a cat!! (FYI, stereotypically lesbians love cats.)
After realising all of this, I am shocked with the extravagance of my gayness, but you know what? I like it. I like it a lot. I feel comfortable with how I am, and I’m not gonna change for anyone.

Thursday, 29 October 2009

Everything the BNP stands for, I don't.

Over the past few days the main topic of discussion has been Nick Griffin, the representative for the BNP (British National Party) on Question Time, so, I thought, what better to do than blog about it, and explain my views on it.
Obviously, for starters I think that the BNP are a ridiculous organisation, and I thought that before Nick Griffin. I completely disagree with racism, homophobia and discrimination of any sort. I don’t believe a person is less, or more, than anyone because of the colour of their skin, their sexuality, their hair colour etc, but that ‘it’s what’s on the inside that counts’, to be clich├ęd.
Anyway, this episode was shown on Thursday (22nd October), and I actually didn’t watch it then, I iPlayered it on the Friday. The reason that I felt compelled to iPlayer Question Time (as it’s not something I make a habit of!) was because Facebook went crazy about it! There were status’ left, right and centre (well, really they were just up, down and centre on my homepage…) on people disagreeing with him and his policies, and the ones that agreed were dripping with sarcasm. For example, my friend David statused “Nick Griffin is the only man I need in my life.” Which, got a reply along the lines of his ‘four chins’ making someone orgasm. Other status’ were, in essence, inviting people to discuss the BNP, and I joined in on one of these, giving my full knowledge of the BNP to the conversation. What some of the people were quoting intrigued me, and made me want to watch question time. So, on Friday, I did.
This is the description of the show: “The political debate comes from London, with a panel including Justice Secretary Jack Straw; the Conservative spokeswoman for community cohesion, Baroness Warsi; Chris Huhne, Liberal Democrat Home Affairs spokesman; the leader of the British National Party, Nick Griffin; and playwright and author, Bonnie Greer. David Dimbleby chairs.”
The debate started with Jack Straw comparing the BNP to Nazism, which lead Nick Griffin to bring up how Griffin’s father fought the war on Nazi’s, whereas Jack Straw’s father was imprisoned for refusing to fight. I understood what he was trying to show, but c’mon, Jack Straw’s beliefs are not necessarily based on his fathers, and vice versa for Griffin.
Griffin was then challenged by Dimbelby, who chaired the debate, about his quotes in papers etc, which Griffin claims they are all ‘misquotes’. Clearly, they’re not, as Griffin doesn’t even attempt to challenge the misquotes brought up, but claims he never said that ‘black people walk like monkeys’.
Then, along came Bonnie. What a legend. She’s the only one not there trying to get votes, as she’s not a politician, she’s a culturalist. She’s also black, which makes it amusing how she’s sat next to Nick Griffin, whose party has been regularly accused of being racist.
Chris Huhne called Griffin a fascist, and then quoted him, on video footage where Griffin said ‘Then perhaps one day the British people will say every last one will go’ talking about ethnic minorities. He then quoted Griffin as saying ‘Yes, Adolf [Hitler] went a bit too far.’, Huhne then went on to say “Which bit too far, Nick Griffin, did Adolf Hitler go? Was it in gassing Jews? Or bombing British cities? Where did Hitler go a bit too far?” I liked this part a lot, as Chris Huhne said it with so much conviction! Then, in the video footage, there is David Duke, a leader of one sect of the KKK. How did Griffin justify that? By claiming that his sect was an ‘almost non-violent’, as if that’s a good thing? Yes, being exceedingly racist is awesome as long as they’re ‘non-violent’…
Griffin then answered the question of ‘Why should anybody trust what you’re saying?’ with ‘Why should anybody trust any politician?’, which is just saying that no one should trust him, and completely avoiding the question, as he has done continuously. It was a weak, feeble and cowardly answer!
An uproar by the audience was cause by Nick Griffin claiming that he didn’t ‘know why he said those things’, and why he’s ‘changed his mind’…? That’s complete bullshit; he was just too scared to say that he is indeed racist. Massive douche.
Griffin was then asked, by a. Islamic member of the audience, why he thought Islam was a ‘wicked and vicious’ faith. Griffin said it was ‘because women are treated as second class citizens, a woman victim of rape should be stoned to death for adultery and it orders it’s followers to be harsh with non-believers’. This is all in the Koran. Sorry, Nick, but this is an Islam extremists view, no doubt. And in the Bible, for instance, it says that homosexuality is an abomination and ‘a man shall not lie with another man as he does with a woman’, yet there are many homosexual Christians and homo-friendly Christians. The Bible also preaches, in the Old Testament a lot of stuff that it then contradicts, (OT: An eye for an eye. NT: Jesus ‘Turn the other cheek’) which, surely, if we are to believe everything the Bible say, as members of the Islam faith surely take the Koran literally, then Christianity is a screw over too. And if he’s saying that, then he’s destroying his imaginary world of WASPs.
I do have to agree with one thing he’s saying, he’s disagreeing with the war in Iraq. That makes me happy. I find all war pointless. It’s very funny that Griffin and the BNP racist and anti-Islam when there is a black woman and Muslim woman on the panel. I don’t understand anything about politics… But I like how they’re calling her ‘The Baroness’. It makes her sound like she’s from Dr Who.
God, Bonnie talks so much sense; she’s talking about ‘Nick’s own view of
Britain’, saying that his history is bits and pieces, as Griffin wants Britain to be ‘99% pure white’, which Bonnie says isn’t going to ever happen since when the Romans settle in England, as anyone could be part of the Roman Empire (Africans, Asians, Europeans etc) then once the Romans left, they stayed, and ‘hooked up’ with the indigenous whites that came to Britain after the ice age. The thing is, after the ice age, people moved up from the south, as in, not Britain.
Unfortunately, Jack Straw was far too concerned about advertising for whatever party he supports. He ignored questions, he had far too many notes and his answers seemed too scripted, which meant that, not only did it seem fake, but also he avoided questions. Kinda like Nick Griffin, but without the stupid policies.
Then this dude calls him ‘Dick Griffin’ and is like ‘I love this country, I was born here, I was educated her. You’d be surprised how many people would have a whip round to buy you and your supporters a ticket to the South Pole. It’s a colourless landscape, and it’ll suit you fine.’
Now, finally we’re onto the subject that I actually wanted to see; the BNP’s view of homosexuals.
Nick Griffin is “against the teaching of homosexuality to primary school children” in fact he disagreed with “the teaching of any sex”. Erm, excuse me. But since when was homosexuality just about gay sex? It’s not. Yes, you have the stereotype which, I for one, fulfil of the LGBT community being full of promiscuity, but that’s not what being gay is about! If you’re in a same-sex or opposite-sex relationship and if a child asks about it, you’re not going to bring up the fact that you have sex. You’re going to say that you love each other, which is how we should be teaching children about the LGBT community. When you’re teaching them about heterosexuality, you don’t tell them that ‘mummy and daddy boned’! You tell them that they love each other, and they should teach them that love in universal and it’s natural, and normal for people to be homosexual.
Griffin said that he thinks “a lot of people find the sight of two grown men kissing in public really creepy.” And he “understands a lot of homosexuals don’t understand that, but the Christians feel that way, the Muslims feel that way…” No. Homophobes feel that way. I have heterosexual friends who couldn’t care less who is kissing who. The only reason I would find two people kissing ‘creepy’ is if they are creepy individuals! If someone found someone’s skin colour ‘really creepy’, then they would be racist. If someone found someone’s disability ‘really creepy’, then they would be prejudice. So, yes, Nick, you are, indeed, homophobic.
Oh, good news, the BNP believes that homosexuality can still be legal but as long as we keep it behind closed doors. Or not. I don’t want to have to hide who I truly am, just because someone finds who I am and what I do ‘really creepy’.
Oh, apparently preaching homosexuality to school children is ‘perverse’. How?! I wouldn’t call myself a pervert for teaching my little sister that men can love men and woman can love woman. I find that perfectly acceptable, because I’m letting her know that just because something isn’t common; it doesn’t mean it’s not normal.
Regardless, I am even less patriotic now, not because I despise my country, I don’t, but patriotism is what has caused this, and I want nothing to do with that.
Throughout the whole thing I wasn’t too sure about who was representing what party. This is why I’m not voting. Even though people tell me I should because of the suffragettes etc. Fuck that. Because I’m a woman I’m expected to vote? No. I’m also supposed to get married because I’m gay. That’s not happening. Yes, I’m grateful and I have a lot of respect for people who fought these things, and yes, I would fight for these things, but as an individual, I don’t understand politics so I’m not voting and I have no desire at all to get married, so, I’m not.
Well, that was the longest blog I do believe I’ve ever done. Yes, it is like a week late, but I don’t care! It’s over now. Phew.

Friday, 16 October 2009

Cosmetic surgery is a big no from me.

I’m currently on and getting genuinely distressed by some of the images on there. It’s not because some of the pictures are utterly hideous, where people have gone too far with extensive Botox, lip fillers and breast implants, but because there are before and after pictures on there and it’s quite clear that the majority of the celebrities who got the surgery clearly didn’t need it. Not to mention the ridiculous amount of money that is spent on it, which could be used so much more wisely.
I quite like this website because it’s not necessarily condoning plastic surgery, it’s not condemning it, but it’s not agreeing.
One of the pictures I came across was a before and after of Angelina Jolie. In the before image she looked 100% shaggable! Genuinely beautiful. She looked so, so good. And then the after image where she’s had rhinoplasty, and a face lift, she looks horrid. Well, in comparison, anyway. The case is the same with most of the other pictures on here.
I comprehend the idea of mediation, so yeah, they could have picked a good ‘before’ picture, and a crap ‘after’ one, but even if it was the other way round, I would most likely pick the before.
It’s upsetting. It’s truly upsetting how due to the media etc, people feel like the need to excel their already beautiful self, by the use of cosmetic surgery. I am really again surgery for cosmetic use. Obviously I can understand someone getting a breast reduction if their boobs are so big they’re causing pain, or something that is for a practical use. But surgery to look ‘better’? No.
What’s worse is when my friends say they’re considering surgery. At seventeen, they’re considering getting plastic surgery. It enrages me. I think it’s disgusting that these beautiful, beautiful people (and that’s not just my opinion, I do have seriously attractive friends) want to change the way they are, even though they are already gorgeous, and they look amazing without having to change a thing.
I admit, I’m not perfect, but who is. To strive for perfection is to strive for the impossible. But there is no way I would want to get surgery! Okay, my neutral mouth makes my lips droop down, and the tip of my nose slightly moves when I talk, I have a round face and I have droopy eyelids (that’s just my face) but so what? Oh, and I have ginger skin! I really don’t care, because I am happy with the way I look. When I look in the mirror, I feel good about myself. I look at myself and think ‘Damn. I so would.’ Because I’ve accepted my flaws and I feel perfectly comfortable with myself in fact, more than comfortable. I wish that everyone could look in the mirror and feel good about themselves and stop struggling to become something they’re not.
Embrace what you have been given as it’s a gift. You’ll enjoy life a lot more if you have self confidence and you’ll have less things to worry about. Remember, your harshest critic is yourself, and the more beautiful you feel, the more beautiful you will look.

Monday, 12 October 2009

The one where no one who knows me should read.

Yes, I’m a pussy, but I can get away with it with the ‘you are what you eat’ excuse, right…?

Wrong. Not if I want to do something about it.

Okay, so here’s something I haven’t blogged about before; my feelings. I’m not entirely sure that I should, because somehow it could get back to those it concerns, but I’m going to type it anyway.
The main thing that’s going on in my life is my love life. In essence, I’ve met this girl, and she’s amazing. Utterly amazing. And I know she likes me too. There are so many catches, it’s unreal. For starters, she’s taken. By a guy! Secondly, she’s straight, or at least has always identified herself as straight, until I came along, being ‘the only girl she’s ever been attracted to’. And thirdly, I’m scared. I’m honestly scared.
It all started at a party, almost two months ago. She was there, with her boyfriend, and I was making out with Lou and Keya. Why? Why not. It’s what we do. Kissing is our thing. And then I was making out with her. I whispered in Lou’s ear, ‘I’m so gonna bone her.’ Because, at the time, I was only interested in getting on thing from her: Poon. (Admittedly, I did manage to take her down to the toilets and get a bit of groping in, but, I digress…)
When I was with her that first time, I didn’t really care about her. I felt no real emotional attachment, or so I thought, maybe it was subconscious, but regardless, I just felt like my usual, over confident, womanizing self. In fact, I made out with four straight girls that evening (it was lacking severely in dykes), three had boyfriends, and it was more than making out with two. See, that’s the kind of person I am.
But yeah, we started talking the next day, due to the powers of MSN, and things went from there. There was no uncomfortable air, and we got on well, really well. I admitted that I liked her, and she said she liked me too, which is weird for me, really weird, since I don’t like girls. I like vagina. I like seducing girls to get in their pants, and to be brutally honest, I will cheat, lie and be a cunt, just to get sex. It’s like a sport to me. But with her, it’s completely different.
With her, I respect her too much to lie to her, so I’ve tried to tell her exactly how I’m feeling about this situation. With her, I can see myself being in a committed relationship, without wanting to cheat. With her, I can see myself being happy.
But equally, I’m scared. I am so very scared. First, all this is foreign to me. I mean, yeah, I’ve been in relationships before, but they’ve been with people I’ve either not liked, or cheated on, or both. But with her, I don’t want to do that. And because I really like her, I’m scared of messing things up. I’m not sure how to handle the situation, and this is hard for me to admit, because I’m such a cool, confident person, who always seems to have things sorted and always has an answer for any situation, but I am terrified of screwing this up. Also, I’m worried that either she’ll cheat on me or I’ll cheat on her, since neither of us have good track records. And what if she decides that she can’t do the same sex relationship thing anymore? But mainly, all this boils down to me being utterly terrified of the reality of the situation, and being scared about getting hurt.
Whenever I’m with her though, I have a really good time. I feel comfortable and relaxed around her. I feel like I can be myself, and I’m allowing her to be herself. We laugh at the stupidest of things sometimes, and it’s really, really nice. It’s lovely. Whenever I talk about her, I go ridiculously femme and start twiddling my hair and sighing. Whenever I can smell her, I take a long breath in, and basically swoon. (In fact, we’ve decided that my hoodie, is now our hoodie, and it currently smells like her because she sprayed it loads with her perfume, and I’ll be doing the same with my Lynx when it’s her turn.) It’s horrible! It’s so unlike me! The thing is; I know I shouldn’t like it, but I do. I really do.
Unfortunately for me, there are two major things stopping us from being together. One, the fact that she still has a boyfriend. And two, she has told me that she is not ready to come out and label herself and she isn’t comfortable with it being public as she feels being will judge and label her, which she has reason to believe, since that is more likely than not what will happen on at least one occasion.
Now, usually this wouldn’t bother me because I’d only be in it for sex. I’d be perfectly happy to be her ‘bit on the side’ and keep it ‘hush, hush’, but not this time. I don’t like the thought of sharing her, I really don’t. Not in a possessive way, but, I can’t explain it, but I know it’s not because I want to own her, but there’s something about knowing she always has the option of going to a nice, heterosexual relationship, with a guy who she knows it works with, and loves, that I’m not too peachy about.
Before I make even less sense, I would like to say something else. This is a very weird situation. Obviously sexual fluidity exists, and I comprehend that, but she’s never been with a girl before, and the other night, she came round mine, and we slept together, in more sense that one. And, it was amazing, to be honest. There was cuddling and kissing, which would ordinarily make me feel slightly sick, but it felt so good. This ‘straight’ girl, with a boyfriend, had sex with me, and it didn’t feel uncomfortable or awkward. It just felt great.
Also, what’s really weird is its National Coming Out Day today. The Beaver Bunch’s (YouTube them) topic this week was about a lesbian who is in a relationship with a unlabelled girl who isn’t ready to come out and all this is happening at the same time!
Unfortunately for me, as I said, at least for the near future, we’re not going to be together. She’s too scared about ‘coming out’, which I’m definitely not going to force her to do. I totally understand that it is something that you do of your own accord, and how and when you feel is best. Also, the slightly problematic ‘her having a boyfriend’ thing ties in quite nicely with the problematic twist of my love life.
So, in conclusion, I have no idea what to do. I know what I want to do. I want to be with her, even though I am totally shitting myself about it, because she is near perfect for me. I know she’s not the best looking girl, or the coolest girl, or whatever, but I don’t care about that. In my eyes, she is insanely amazing. She’s beautiful, she’s sexy, I find her incredibly attractive, she’s funny, she’s easy to talk to, she’s intelligent, she’s caring, she’s… She’s just plain wonderful and I am falling, very deeply and quickly, for her.
To finish this off, I would like to thank one of my best friends. Louisa Marie Maidment. She’s amazing. I know I take the piss out of her a lot in my blogs, but I do love her, with all my heart. I’m always, always here for you, and I really appreciate knowing that you’re there for me. It means a lot to me that I know you care about me. And I love you for that. I love you for so many things you do, and I even love the things I claim to hate, like your laugh, your ‘occasional’, erm, overconfident side, your incredible ability to embarrass me and so much more. I love feeling comfortable with you, in so many ways. I love being able to tell you anything, literally, anything about myself, and the worst I can expect is for you to laugh. I love how, even when you’ve been a complete twat, I can’t stay angry at you. And I love how you’ve got a hold over me, and how I want to talk to you all the time, and how much of an amazing friend you are, not only to me. I love you, Lou. I really, really do.

P.S. I let Lou read this before I posted it, and she said it made her full on cry!

Tuesday, 29 September 2009

A diverse week, to say the least.

So, I’m currently sat on the train on the way to college, and considering it’s a 40 minute journey, I figured what better to do than blog. Which is exactly what I’m going to do.
For the whole of last week, I was living with Keya, my very camp gay friend, and it was amazing. His sister was on holiday from Monday until Friday, so we stole her house, and we were literally living independently for the week.
On Tuesday, after I slept round on the Monday, we both had to get up at 7am, to then be ready for first period at college. Unfortunately, we’d stayed up rather late the previous night, and were very, very tired. I had no trouble whatsoever getting up, Keya, on the other hand, was a complete nightmare! I woke him up at seven, reminding him of college, but he rolled back over. I had my breakfast, tried to wake him up again. Once more, he was having none of it. I tried again, he shouted at me. It got to 7:30 and I figured that he really, really needed to be up. So, I pulled the duvet off him, and threatened him with the cup of cold water I had in my hand. He got so shitty! Alas, I never did wake him up that morning. He told me he’d get to college for second period instead. He never did.
After I finished college for the day, I really felt compelled to get him a present, just like a good husband would, I guess… So, on my way back, I popped to the local shop and bought him bacon, as he loves it, and we forgot to buy it when we went food shopping on Monday night. When I got in, he had cleaned the whole house and done the washing up. It was literally like we were a couple living together!
The days went by and we had a great time. We had visitors, we also spent time alone. We just had a good time. Then we decided to host a gathering Wednesday night, as Lou, Matt, Tom and I had the Thursday off and Keya didn’t have to go in until later. David, however, had to be in college for first thing! He still came round though.
The night began with David, me and Keya singing High School Musical Singstar at the top of out lungs! It was great! Then Matt and Lou joined us, and the drinking began. Tom later joined us, and we were all in the lounge, sat down, drinking, singing, just having a good time.
David had previously downloaded a Japanese shock horror that everyone is watching in Film Studies called ‘Visitor Q’. We thought we’d watch it because everyone seemed so disgusted by it in Film, so we wanted to see what the fuss was about. It wasn’t actually that bad, to be honest. It’s only a bit of incest, domestic violence, drugs, rape, necrophilia and lactating…
Anyway, we thought we’d go into the kitchen to watch the film as it was way too loud in the lounge to watch it, and David thought it was too hot in the lounge anyway. So, as we’re sat there, watching some woman being forced to lactate, while her breasts are being squeezed, Matt comes in, and him and Lou have had an argument, so he thought he’d come into the kitchen to cool off. This is only the start of the night of alcohol fuelled arguments.
Basically, Matt had joined us because he said that if anyone, including Keya, gets aggressive with him, then he’d punch them, which Lou interpreted as, ‘I’m going to punch Keya.’. This didn’t go down too well with Lou, understandably, so they had a dispute about it. This was not helped by the alcohol. I then went into the lounge to help them sort it out, and Tom helped in making Lou understand what Matt meant, by stating that, for example, if I got aggressive with him then he’d ‘smack the bitch out!’ Lovely, Tom.
David and I are sat happily watching our film again, and Keya comes stumbling through the corridor, wine glass in his hand, into the kitchen mumbling ‘fucking Chris Brown and fucking Rihanna. Calling me a fucking fag…’ Me and David are so confused, so we’re just looking at him like ‘What the actual fuck…?’ as he starts giggling like a little school girl. Then Keya storms off slurring ‘Fuck you guys, I can’t be bothered.’ which has got me and David even more confused! A few minutes later, Lou comes and joins us in the kitchen and says ‘Keya would like it if you guys stopped staring at him.’, so I said ‘Keya, would you like to know why we were staring at you?’ and then did a tremendous impression of him, mincing in, chatting about Chris Brown and Rihanna, which, I admit, was hilarious.
At this point, everyone’s in the kitchen, and Lou and I both light our cigarettes on the gas hob, and Keya wants to too. So, he put the hob on, lit his fag, and as soon as he faced us, we all burst out laughing. He had singed the first layer of his fringe! Unfortunately, Keya did not find it as amusing as we did, and got slightly angry, yet we carried on laughing at the brown layer on top of his black hair.
Then, once more, David and I were left alone to carry on with our crazy Japanese film, bar Matt, who was still with us. Lou, Keya and Tom were all in the lounge. Matt went to join them, and then stormed out shouting something about Lou and Keya. What had happened was; Keya and Lou were both in their underwear, for some unknown reason, since the rest of us were fully clothed, and Keya was on top of Lou getting a back rub. Matt, unfortunately did not see it as innocent as it actually was, and was shouting at Lou. This was not entirely helped by Keya sarcastically saying that he had an erection. Regardless of the fact that Keya is gay, Matt still took it as his girlfriend being on another guy. At this point, we were all in the kitchen, once more, Matt shouting at Lou and Keya, me and David trying to calm it down, and Tom getting so fed up of this, he just walked out and went home. I was stood in front of Matt, who was sitting down, and Keya, who was just in his boxers and socks, was facing me, shouting at me, attempting to intimidate me, with his ex-pikey ways. Me and David decided it would be best if they were separated, so Keya and Lou went into the lounge once more, leaving just me, David and Matt in the kitchen.
Keya then puts his shoes on and storms out the house, claiming he had has enough. I follow him, leaving David, Lou and Matt in the kitchen. As I’m following Keya, Matt and Lou are ‘sorting things out’, and as David said, they were shouting so much he had to scream ‘INDOOR VOICES!’ at them!
Keya is out the house, storming down the road, and I’m following him, with no shoes on, and it had been raining! My socks got soaking and it really wasn’t that comfortable. Keya noticed me following him and told me to ‘Fuck off.’ I tried explaining to him that I had to follow him, as I didn’t want him getting into a fight or hit by a car, or anything bad. He ignored that and carried on storming away. Again, he turned round, saw me and this time, and started running off! So, I run after him, which was horrid, considering how ridiculously unfit I am. He finally stops at a bus stop, and sits down. I wait, a few paces away from him, and then he signals me to join him after a few minutes. He eventually calms down, and feels able to come back. We decided it’s probably best for Keya not to confront Matt and Lou for a while, until he is properly calmed down, so he begins putting the recycling in the bin, with David’s help (and considering the amount of alcohol consumed, was a fair bit). David then helped to calm Keya down, and even got him to apologise, which, in itself is a massive achievement, considering how insanely stubborn Keya is. While this is happening, I’m in the kitchen with Lou and Matt, trying to sort them out. After a while, it boils down to them both being calm and vaguely comprehending where the other one is coming from. Matt works up the courage to make a speech, including the line if ‘Look, Lou, I love you, okay?’ to which Louisa replies ‘And I love spending time with you.’ And although it sounded bitchy, I made it clear to Matt that she was actually extremely flattered, as I can read Lou like the back of a cereal box (I don’t read books…).
Then Keya came back in the kitchen, and apologised to Matt and Lou for getting overly aggressive, mouthy and bitchy, just, in less words, more like ‘I’m sorry for being a dickhead.’ Which lead to Lou and Keya hugging, which made Matt feel extremely uncomfortable, thus through gritted teeth he stated that he was going to ‘smack him’. Unfortunately for everyone, Keya overheard this, which made him feel like it was appropriate to first query what he said, and after we all denied that Matt had said he was going to hit him, he said ‘If he said that, I’m going to get a knife, and I’m going to stab him.’ Although I took this threat loosely, I was still kinda worried since Keya was right by the knives in the kitchen!
Luckily, we calmed him down, and we got David, Lou and Keya in the lounge, and I made everyone tea, and we all sat down together, as we were at the beginning of the night, with no arguments or conflict.
It’s was about 12:30 which really isn’t late, but David and I, and everyone agreed that it was probably time for bed. Lou and Matt slept together in the lounge (in more sense than one!) and Keya, David and I all snuggled together in the double bed. For about the first 20 minutes of bed time, I had Keya saying ‘I’m such a dick when I drink.’ Then chuckling to himself like a child. Then we all went to sleep, woke up, and everything was alright in the morning. But alas, David and I never did finish our film.

Monday, 21 September 2009

Ella has a gay school teacher, but it didn't mean I was happy.

It’s 9am, and my alarm is set for 10:30am. I was actually awake at 7:45am this morning. Why? Because I wanted to take my 5 year old sister to school. It was horrible.
It’s her second week at First School, and I thought, since I don’t have to leave my house until around 11:30 today, why not take her to school. I get up, keep last nights boxers on, put on yesterdays jeans, take off my ‘Hump & Dump’ tee I wear to bed, (as I had a feeling it would be somewhat inappropriate for a primary school) put a jumper on, with no top on underneath, and put on the first socks I find on my floor, which were no doubt 3 days old.
So, after straightening my hair so poorly there really was no point, we all leave. Mum and Ella in the car, as they are driving half the way and walking the rest, and me doing the same, following on my moped (or dyke bike).
Anyway, we’re walking up to school, me and Ella, since Mum walked ahead as she actually works at the school Ella goes to, thus she had to get there earlier than Ella. Despite this irrelevance, we arrive at school, holding hands, and she looks so much cuter in her summer dress, cardigan and school shoes, than all the other kids. There really is no contest.
Ella gets into the playground and at first we’re playing; she’s holding my hand taking me places, whilst walking backwards. Then she finds Simone, who is in her class, and she gives me her lunchbox to hold, and starts running around like a crazed monkey, and I’m standing there, watching her, with a content expression on my face, really thinking how incredibly lucky I am. Sad, I know, but she is the light of my life.
So, she’s playing, what I would assume to be ‘Tag’, and occasionally using me as her protection. And she’s got this huge grin on her face, while running around laughing. Then Ella’s teacher opened the door, and my mother was right, he is exceedingly homosexual! Like, you could tell from a mile off. So, he’s opened the door, and the children are lining up to go inside. I give Ella her lunchbox, give her a hug and a kiss, and just watch her go inside, and she looks happy. As soon as I couldn't see her I genuinely felt like crying. It was awful. I really don’t understand how my mother has done that three times.
Regardless of that, I’m going to leave the blog there, since I have a personal statement to do for later on today. Ergh.

Friday, 18 September 2009

The incoherent mass of events from the past few days.

I’m currently sat in Starbucks, with my friend Anna from college, drinking tea and watching her fail at drinking hot chocolate by getting whipped cream all around her mouth. God, I feel the part.
So, I went to a party last night, and set out to get really, really drunk. And I did. I also managed to get two free drinks and a taxi ride back.
The night started off with me being exceedingly late, getting there at 9:30, instead of the starting time of 7:30. I blame the buses for this. I was a bit pissed off with the fact that the bus was going to get there any earlier, but as the bus pulled in, I noticed that the bus driver was a massive dyke!! This excitement was enhanced by the two girls behind me, who was also raging homosexuals.
After arriving at the club, and greeting the people, including Charlie and Phoebe from work, and Stacey, the host of the party, who we used to work with also, I ordered a pint, to Phoebe and Charlie’s amusement (they found it profoundly butch). After taking the piss out of me for ordering a pint, they proceeded to promise me a cocktail. Okay, so I don’t usually drink cocktails, but I’m not turning down a free drink! (Speaking of cocktails, Phoebe and Charlie drank cocktails called Pink Pussy, much to my delight! I’m sure you can simply imagine the jokes.)
The night went on and, to be honest, there are some blank spots in my mind. Although, a fond memory of the night was playing gay chicken with straight girls. It’s so much fun! They get really creeped out! Yes, it may be weird, but watching them squirm is hilarious!
So, I managed to get a pint out of Charlie and a shot of Sambuka out of Phoebe, as well as getting my own drinks. I was very, very drunk. They got a taxi back to the train station, where I parked my bike, at around 12, and paid for it all. I paid nothing.
After arriving at the train station, me and Charlie decided to sing, which turned into shouting as loud as we could! I have no idea why, or what song we were attempting, but we did. Then they went to walk home, and I went to get on my moped. Yes, I was drink driving. And it’s a hideously bad, yet hilarious story.
So, I arrive in the taxi at Poole train station, and say goodbye to my friends, get my keys out of my pocket, somehow open the seat to get my helmet out and am able to put the keys in the ignition, get on my bike, and fall straight over. Literally, straight over. I probably hurt myself but, to be honest, I was so drunk I couldn’t comprehend it. I ride back, not perfectly, but manageably, singing, no shouting Lady Gaga – Poker Face, at the top of my voice, whilst beeping my horn! I must have woken so many people up! I somehow am able to arrive home, but I did a shoddy attempt at pulling into my driveway, failing, so I had to turn round, I once again fell over. This is when I actually hurt myself. I have a cut on my hand, a damaged elbow and my helmet is all scratched up… In all honesty, it isn’t as bad as I make out, but I’m a pussy. Well, you know what they say; you are what you eat!!
That was my night, and then I woke up in the morning, well, at about 12, and had a wonderful day in Bournemouth.
I’m now currently on the train back from New Milton, with Keya and David, who are both very homosexual, and they’re bitching about how I don’t blog about them. So, here we go.
We are coming back from New Milton, as that is where Louisa (the drunken lamppost talker!) lives. We got 23 items of food from Tesco, including cake mix. Tesco value cake mix! As we got two packets of cake mix, we split into teams. Me and David and Lou and Keya. Lou and Keya’s cake went well. Mine and David’s on the other hand… We decided to pour a whole new bottle of blue food colouring into it. Then realised it would taste like ass, so put loads of sugar in! Then as it was too gloopy, since we put fizzy tropical drink in instead of water, Lou suggested putting corn flour in it, to thicken it up. So, that’s what happened… Then, when Lou and Keya weren’t looking, me and David put bread into their cake mix! They noticed, and vowed to get us back… They put bread in ours too. Then, again when we weren’t looking, they poured salt into it all! Keya told me when we went out for a fag, and Lou and David were in the lounge, so when we went back into the kitchen and the cakes were baking, we put soy sauce and hot chilli powder in it!
Whilst the cakes were baking, Keya and Lou pinned me down whilst David tried to teabag me! Not nice. So, I got into Xena mode and fended all three of them off! Just because David and Keya are poofs and Lou’s a girl, it doesn’t mean they’re weak!
After a slight rape session, the cakes were done, so we went and got them out of the oven, let them cool down, and went to all try mine and David’s creation (with the tropical soda, salt, sugar, corn flour, soy sauce and chilli powder in), although, little to David’s knowledge, despite us all saying we were going to eat it at the same time, me, Louisa and Keya had no intentions of eating the skaggy pile of crap on our forks. David, however, oblivious to all the extra ingredients that had gone in there, put it in his mouth. Chewed. Screwed his face up in disgust, and spat it all out in the bin.
We then watched TV, got the train, went home. And here I am now, finally finishing off the blog that has taken me all day.

Friday, 4 September 2009

A night to remember...

It’s 7:37 in the morning, and I haven’t slept a wink. Why? Because I took five caffeine pills last night and I have been up all night on the computer and then buzzing in my bed. I also decided to steal my little sister from her bed and snuggle with her in mine. We ended up going for a midnight (well, three o’clock in the morning) feast, consisting of biscuits and milk! What fun.

Last night, me, Louisa and Matt went out. Matt wasn’t drinking because he was driving. I was drinking, but I can handle my drink. Louisa, however, was totally and utterly 100% fucked! Let me paint you a picture of how incredibly wasted she was:

So, Matt came to pick me up from my house, and she had already started drinking her alcopops. How classy…! Then we went to give Keya, our wonderful, very camp, gay friend, his baccy. We sat in Matt’s car talking to him and Lou carried on drinking. Then we went to park Matt’s car in an area that wasn’t surrounded by houses, because even sober, Lou is so, so loud! Her laugh is around about the same decibels as a plane, and it’s a cackle/shriek, with the occasional snort. So, we sat in the car for a bit, me and Matt happily listening to the radio. Me sipping on my beer, and Lou drinking her WKD. Then she got in a strop about something, got out of the car, walked off, with her bottle, and went out of sight. I said to Matt ‘I give it… Five minutes before she comes back. Or when she’s run out of alcohol.’ Although, about quarter of an hour later, she still hadn’t returned, so we though that maybe we should look for her. I suppose that’s what a good best friend and a boyfriend are meant to do…? We walked down the road she went along, and up to the junction, but couldn’t see her. We waited and looked, but still no sign. So, we went back to the car, and Matt was just about to start up the engine, to look for her, when low and behold, she comes out from behind the trees, with, as predicted, no bottle in her hand. Giggling like a schoolgirl, she tells us that she made friends with the tree she was hiding behind. Yes, that’s right; she was talking to inanimate objects! (She also named it Edwood. Geddit?) At this point we’re all out of the car, and standing by the children’s play park, which Louisa decides she wants to go into! She attempts climbing over the fence several times, with me and Matt holding her back, which resulted in a tantrum… Let’s remind ourselves that she is 17, and she got stroppy about not being allowed in a play area. After quickly getting over the fact she wasn’t allowed in, she thought it would be a good idea to say ‘Hey! Let’s all get in our underwear!’ so, following her own instructions, she does. She strips down to her bra, knickers and socks, in the cold, spitting night. Luckily, there are no cars, or people out at this point. It was like one o’clock in the morning. Because Lou decides that in her underwear, and my jacket which I kindly lent her, as she was shivering, she looks like a prostitute, so, as a good prostitute would do, she goes and stands on the street corner… Me and Matt stand in the same spot we were, discussing music, giving Lou the benefit of the doubt that she would return to us, without either getting arrested, or picked up by someone. Next thing we know, she’s by a lamppost… Not entirely sure what she’s doing, Matt and I go over to investigate. We can hear her talking to it. She’s is actually having a conversation with a lamppost. Apparently, Michael (that was his name) was unhappy about having a label on him, so, Louisa being the nice person she is, was peeling it off for him, whilst asking him not to shout at her for being slow, because her nails hurt from peeling off the sticker. Of course, Matt and I couldn’t hear the lamppost talking because we didn’t speak ‘Whisper’. Then me and Matt started taking the piss. Matt started talking to a plant, and I started talking to a bush and named it George, like George Bush, which all but Lou and Michael found hilarious! Neither of them appreciates the fact that we were taking the piss out of her. Then Louisa finds a snail, and calls it Samuel, who she then later threw across the road, and then got upset that she did, but couldn’t find him in the grass after. So, she carries on talking to Michael, yes, the lamppost, all while the rain is getting harder. What are me and Matt doing at this point? Watching her, videoing it, and talking about and listening to music. In a vain attempt to coax Louisa out of this child-like, imaginary world, she runs off to help Michael’s friends… Weird, I know. It’s raining pretty hard now, and I’ve given Lou my jacket, so me and Matt decide it’s probably best to go back to his car. Unfortunately, Louisa is not so keen, so Matt had to carry her, with her complaining all the way, and shouting sorry to Michael for not being able to remove the entire label. Finally, we get her into the car, still just in her underwear and my jacket, which has snail juice on. Then suddenly, she opens the door and flails out of the car, running away. I run after her, and she protests that she only needs a wee, and then, whilst urinating, by a tree, she proceeds to inform me that her piss is warm on her feet. Mmm, how wonderful. We get her back into the car, take her back to my house where she is sleeping, and she clambers into bed, after basically molesting my kitten, who didn’t take too kindly to that, and falls pretty much straight asleep.

And that’s basically it, and now here I am, still awake after, quite literally, no sleep, watching the sun slowly rise, listening to Regina Spektor.

Thursday, 27 August 2009

The one where I couldn't work out how to place pictures...

And once more, I am blogging.
So, I finally got my tattoo! It looks so sweet! It’s actually my new favourite thing! I’ll put a picture up for you. It really didn’t hurt at all, which was really surprising. I’ve just been smearing buckets of Vaseline on it, to help it heal.
Speaking of tattoos, my friend David has had a wonderful idea. Basically he’s really, really skint! So, he decided that he’s going to put a bid up on eBay and whoever bids the highest will get their name or a word of their choice or something tattooed on his thigh. So, I’m trying to get the word out about it. Anyone who reads it, join the Facebook group, send the link around to all your friends, so anything you can to get the word out! Don’t miss out on the opportunity.

Facebook group link:
eBay bid link:

Oh, oh, oh! Our kitten came and he’s so, so cute! He’s like this tiny, white, fluffy, cute ball of cat, and he’s called Toulouse! And if you tickle his chin, then he bites your finger, and it’s adorable! And his teeth are so tiny and he’s all white with a grey tail and head. And I’m going to put up a picture because he’s THAT cute!! And today, he was in my room, and I put him on my bed, put my laptop opposite him, and put the webcam on and he was getting so confused!! He kept scratching the screen attempting to get to the kitten inside. Hey, guess what! When you look at the picture of Toulouse, then you’ll be looking at my pussy… Hahahaha!!! Mature? I know, I know.
Sorry, this blog is so boring and random; I’m getting distracted with The Suite Life on Deck. Oh, London Tipton, you amuse me thoroughly. I want to say that I’m only watching this because there’s nothing else on TV, well, there is nothing on, but I genuinely do like this show! Hah!
Right, I’m going to leave this, as I feel there is nothing really left to say… Well, nothing interesting anyway.


Thursday, 20 August 2009

The two day blog.

Here I am, sat on the sofa in my lounge, on my laptop, listening to Regina Spektor and the gentle buzz of a fly that can’t get outside. Stop trying to fly through the window, it’s glass, not air!! Bless, I feel kinda bad, it’s gonna get brain damage before it gets outside again.
Anyway, today has been a wonderful day. It’s been really lush and sunny finally! It’s August and there’s been, I swear, about five sunny days so far this summer! I decided it would be a good idea to go and sunbathe. So, I put on my white tank top (how dykey?!) and board shorts and went out into the garden taking my laptop with me, to listen to, yes, you got it, Regina Spektor. So, there I am, lying down on numerous cushions, listening to Regina, and I’m really, really hot. So, I took off my top because my garden is surrounded by trees and the neighbours can’t see in. Then, I’m still hot, so I strip down to just my boxers. Anyway, so I’m lying there for a good 3 hours in just my boxers, and I come in and I’m fine, I’m not burnt, which is surprising since I have ginger skin! (No, I really do! It’s all pale and freckly!) I’ve got my clothes back on now, and I’m chilling in the lounge. Then, my friend Amy texts me and asks me to meet her around 8, so I agreed. At around 7 I go upstairs to get changed, because for some reason a white tank top, no bra, board shorts and no socks isn’t appropriate for going out in public in the evening…? As I’m getting changed I realise I have a red cleavage, and basically my boobs, my face, my neck and the back of my legs are burnt!! It hurts. Luckily it’s not too bad though.
I kinda left this yesterday, so it’s now Thursday, and I’ve got my AS results. They weren’t too bad, I’m not upset about them, but I’m not overly pleased. I’m content with them. Three C’s and a B isn’t that bad, right?
Well, last night was a good night. Remember, Amy? Well, I met her in Broadstone and then I got invited back to Sam’s house for a piss up. It was basically, me and the guys watching free porn on Sky, laughing at the woman with wonky, fake boobs and drinking Buds. Then we played Rock Band and Halo! It was amazing! I well felt like a guy, except, I sucked at Halo… Then I rode back at like 2:30 because I’d had not much to drink, and then I woke up at 3 in the afternoon, wonderful!
Today, I was meant to be going to Just Add Ink to give in my tattoo ideas, but I got up too late… Oops! So, I’m gonna go tomorrow. I’ve decided that me and my friends are going to go gay clubbing (regardless of their heterosexuality) and either celebrate or drown our sorrows. It should be a good night!
Anyway, I’m gonna go now because I have a massive headache! It really hurts. I’ll just lie down and watch Spongebob Squarepants, that’ll make me better! Haha!
Oh, also, Mary Ann and the Gravediggers came through today!! It’s amazing!! I love Regina!!


P.S. I probably should mention that these blogs are neither relevant nor interesting. Sorry!

Sunday, 16 August 2009

1:23 on a Saturday morning... Random!

Okay, so, I’m sat in my lounge watching LA Ink, and having an MSN chat with one of my best friends, Georgie, about Regina Spektor. This is like a perfect evening for me!
Basically, I kinda feel ill too. After work today I had a nap, from like 5:00 until like 8:30, and woke up with a massive headache. Yes, feel sorry for me! I still have a headache… I might take some paracetamol soon. When I can be bothered to move. Shit, massive tension on LA Ink! You can always tell how bad is it by the amount of bleeps they use. Right, I’m going to have to mute the television. The adverts are a bunch of shite! Like, that stupid Felix cat food advert! And another advert I truly hate with a passion: That effin’ Green Giant sweetcorn advert! I have never, ever know of an advert quite as annoying and genuinely infuriating as that one! ‘Mum says you are what you eat.’ Yeah, and I say fuck off! And ‘So, if you eat runner beans, you become a runner?’ Yeah, dumbass, of course.
Anyway, on a better note, I had a rather good time at work today. There was only 4 out of 6 staff in today, which was like, ‘oh, shit’, but then it wasn’t at all busy! Although, I’m worried about the place that I work. It’s basically this country park where old people come, and dog walkers walk their dogs, and families go for a ‘fun day out’. So, yeah, about two months ago or something some kids came in and stole the benches from the courtyard and dumped them around the park, and stamped on a two day old fawns head until it died. How sick is that?! And then today, Sarah, my boss, told me that this boy, who apparently looked 12, but was probably about 15, held an old lady up at knifepoint in the car park, stole her purse and her money, then took her phone and texted everyone on her phonebook saying that she was gonna kill herself. I don’t understand why anyone would do that?! I don’t get it! He must have something seriously wrong with him.
On a lighter note, I now have Bette Davis Eyes in my head, cause it was on an advert. I’m also watching Miami Ink. In fact, talking of tattoos, I’m totally getting one soon!! In a week and a day! I’m so excited!! I’m getting this: on my shoulder blade, or back somewhere. It’s wonderful! That’s how much I love Regina Spektor! My first tattoo is going to be ‘Regina Spektor’! How awesome is that?! Yeah, baby!
This blog post has totally been a load of shit. I’m ill, alright! That’s what I’m going to blame it on. Anyway, I’m going to stop this insane mass of typing, and carry on watching Miami Ink. I’m not even going to proof read this! Oh, I’m such a rebel! So, adios, and I’m probably blog again soon…

Thursday, 13 August 2009

First blog. Ever.

So, I’m sat in my room on my laptop, bored as hell, listening to Regina Spektor and drinking Diet Coke, considering my potential future career as a writer. Hey, I said potential.
Today, I’ve been playing Guitar Hero: World Tour, and yes, it is amazing! I’m thinking they should make a Regina Spektor Guitar Hero. That would make me very, very happy. They’d probably have to make a keyboard/piano instrument though…
Okay, bear with me, I have literally drunken (is that a word?!) 2l of Diet Coke today alone, so, caffeine overload!!
Let’s give you an idea of myself. Well, I just took my flesh tunnels out (I have 10mm in both ears) and smelt them. Why? Because I quite like it. I also like putting them both in my nose because it looks really funny. And yes, I am 17, and yes, I am immature like that. Problem? I am also a massive fan of Regina Spektor; in fact, one could call me a Regina ‘SpektWhore’! Feel free to take that one. I also have no idea what I’m even typing. I’m literally processing thoughts into a Word document. Which I love, by the way, because of the spell and grammar checker. Not that I need to use it much, mind you. Oh, there’s another red line… I’m not even sure whether I’m going to blog this. I haven’t even set up a blog yet, so if you’re reading this any you’re not me… Welcome to my first blog post! Awful, isn’t it? Coke makes me need the toilet a lot… Aah, that’s better.
The main reason I’m doing this is because I think a cool job would be to be like a lesbian journalist or something, and I’ve got the first bit covered pretty well. Like, I dunno, going to Pride parades and giving reviews, or finding all the gay hotspots, or writing articles on the latest LGBTQ happenings! For something like or DIVA magazine. I also think it would be extremely cool if my future entailed snowboarding all day, without having to instruct. So, maybe work in a gay bar in France? See, my life revolves around being a dyke! I’m in a tank top and boxers now, with my Xena: Warrior Princess poster next to me!
So, regardless of this being all hyper active shit! I’ve decided I’m going to blog this. After I set up a blog, of course… I quite like the idea of strangers reading what I have to say. Like, Twitter! I’ve just joined it and I try and do good Tweets (wow, good English, dunce!) to get more followers! Currently, I have 16… That’s not THAT bad I guess, considering I know 3 of them.
I shall leave this before it gets too long and tedious. Well, more so than it is already. So, cheerio (I don’t think I’ve ever said that before!) and I hope you enjoyed reading the ramblings of a caffeine dosed fool.


P.S. I just read that back… Hah!