Saturday, 23 January 2010

I can't think of a good name, but it's only an update.

Before you say it, I am well aware that I haven’t blogged in ages! And I must admit that this is barely enough to suffice the lack of writing, but I am under the impression I owe it to you guys. So, here is your update.
I have recently joined a gym! By recently, I mean two days ago, and I love it so far! Yes, I have only been for two days, but it’s been great! And I’m planning on going again today! It’s actually a really nice gym, and after my workout (usually with David) I go swimming and into the sauna and Jacuzzi! It’s great! Some of the machines have TV’s in them, so I can watch The Simpsons or Friends whilst working out. There’s loads of different equipment, and there are some fine girls there! The only traumatising part is the changing… There are women getting naked around me, which, doesn’t sound that bad, until I realise they’re about 40 and saggy and hairy and I have no idea where to look!!
I’ve also just spent about an hour on my hair (by an hour, I mean about 20 minutes) because it’s my Grandma’s birthday today, and she’s coming round, with several of her friends, and although she won’t care what I look like because she loves me regardless, the camera, however, would not be so sympathetic!
Work is changing. For some stupid reason, they’ve let the fat, ginger Northern Mormon who works in the week work on Saturdays (not Sundays as well, thank God, someone has church!) which means all the civic temps (as in, my job) have to take a Saturday off work a month, regardless if they want that holiday or not. I’m sorry, but how fucking ridiculous is that?! Okay, it’s £30 a month, but that’s my gym membership, that’s money I need to pay off my debts from fixing my bike, that’s money I need to save up to go to uni, all fucking gone because some fat bitch decided it’d be fun to screw around with my life and take my fucking shifts! My supervisor (the one I really like and get along with) tried to justify it by saying that we all usually take a day off once a month anyway. I don’t! I hardly ever take holiday! So, I looked at her and said ‘This is shit.’ And she totally agreed with me.
Back to the fatty. Okay, there really isn’t that many people in my life that I do not like straight away, I think there has been one other, and she is one of them. I’m not sure what it is about her that I cannot stand, but there’s something! I spent 20 minutes totally slagging her off to my supervisor, and she was just laughing away, agreeing with me. No one else likes her. I’m not sure what it is, but she really makes me want to… Stab her in the face, or something! I know it sounds like I’m overreacting, and I probably am, but I just can’t stand her!
I’ve also started a Facebook fan page, and if you’re not already a fan, you can become one here: and you can also get me on Twitter
And that is my disjointed, unimpressive update!

Sunday, 10 January 2010

#8 The last day.

This is the beginning of the end. Today is the day we depart this sacred land, off to our homes where work and college, instead of skiing and drinking, are our everyday activities. Joy.

We have to be out of our rooms at 10, but we’re permitted to stay in the chalet until 1:30, when our transfer bus comes. That means I’m ‘busy’ packing. Refilling my suitcase has reaffirmed my beliefs that I am potentially the worse packer ever! Half the stuff I’m packing hasn’t been worn or used. Maybe that’s why my suitcase was over the limit…

The actual coach ride itself was upsetting, yet interesting. We passed snow covered, vertical drop cliff edges, rickety old shacks that looked like they should be on A Series of Unfortunate Events and more graffiti than the amount I doodle in boring lessons.

Then, we arrived at the airport, boarded the plane, I was (again!) not given a vegetarian meal, and we then landed, after a flight of Ella stealing my phone and taking hundreds of pictures of her, her various body parts and the general inside of the aircraft. I phoned my friends and it was amazing hearing their voices again as I interrogated them as to why they didn’t text me like I had specifically requested. We then got home and I spent hours on my laptop attempting to catch up on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube and other things that had happened whilst I was away.

This week has been really good. I utterly love skiing holidays. I didn’t get to go snowboarding, the skiing itself wasn’t great because of the weather and we certainly didn’t go out as much as I would have liked, but I’ve still had an amazing week. Now, it’s the countdown until next season…

#7 A mundane day with the most excitement being a hangover.

After waking up with a rather large headache, I took Ella skiing again. She wasn’t nearly as good as yesterday. She was complaining about her legs hurting and how she ‘couldn’t do it’. But I was very proud of her being able to master the button lift (with help from me). I got her on the lift, with me, put the button through her legs, and made her hold on. Then, at the top, I had to take it out and push her down the slope slightly.

Mother and I went skiing after dropping Ella at nursery. We gave up after two runs as the visibility was again so, so poor. This week hasn’t been a good week in terms of skiing.

I picked Ella up from nursery, and as it was snowing so much, the 3 minute walk from nursery to the chalet ended with us looking like snowmen!

We had dinner, chatted, drank, watched Bourne Ultimatum (which, I have to say, I really wasn’t interested in, so I went to bed half way through) then slept.

Today has been rather mundane. Well, for a skiing holiday.

Wipeout Count: 0

Saturday, 9 January 2010

#6 New Years Eve.

Woke up. Had breakfast. Got dressed. Skied. Went on a gondola that made me feel like I was in Star Wars. Skied. Came back to the chalet. Got Ella, Mum and Dad. Went to get Ella skis. Took Ella to a green run…

Ella was amazing at skiing! I taught her how to snowplough, how to stop, how to turn and we used the button lift. By the end of the 30 minute session I had with her, she was able to ski by herself! I am so, so proud of her, and amazed at how good she was.

The day today is New Years Eve; so, we’re going to be eating dinner and (hopefully) going out. I am planning on getting very, very drunk

At dinner, I had a few drinks, and as we left for the New Years Eve celebrations, I was already pretty drunk. We then went to a pirate themed bar, where they had a normal bar one side of the room, and a separate bar where the bartenders had full pirate outfits on and served only rum of all different colours and flavours; it was awesome. I then had a pint, 2 shots of Sambuka (ew), several shots of rum (I can remember having banana and strawberry) and whatever else people were giving me.

We headed over to where the celebrations were being held, which was set out like a concert. They had a stage with lots of very bright lights, and a DJ booth for NRJ to lay some heavy tracks down. Being my very drunken self, I decided it would be a good idea to get right to the front of the crowd, so, using my elbows, hands and brute force, I wrestled my way right to the front centre and started jumping up and down and waving my arms like a crazy person. I’m not even sure if I was in time with the beat. The celebrations were being filmed and I remember making ridiculous faces at the camera which I thought were appropriate. The DJ also looked down at me and started bouncing his hands up and down, just as I was. The group of people I was with then informed me that they were going and asked if I wanted to go. I declined their offer and claimed I knew my way back, even though I didn’t. After a while, I felt bored and tired, so decided I should probably make my way back – one problem; I didn’t have a clue where I was going. I got out and made my way over to two people. I asked them if they knew where the hotel ‘Le Petit Prince’ is, as it’s the nearest landmark to our chalet, and I had no clue what our chalet was called. They said they didn’t but, in turn, asked me a question; ‘You smoke cannabis?’ – They were basically asking me if I had weed on me. I then went to ask another group of people ‘Excuse moi. Parle-vous Anglais?’ ‘Non.’ ‘Ah, er, ou est l’hôtel Le Petit Prince?’ Apparently, my French is a lot better the more I drink. I then got told to go down a road, which I did, when I encountered the shop area of the town. I found the French police, thus, thought it would be a good idea to ask them. Using the only bit of French I knew, I asked whether they knew how to get back. They did, and told me to just keep walking down the road, which I did, and slowly started to recognise where I was. Then a Polish man asked me whether I spoke French, I said no, he found that good because he didn’t either. He asked me, in slightly broken English, whether I knew where some hotel was. Now, I have a hard enough time understanding English people when I’m drunk. It’s even harder trying to decipher foreign people. And even worse when I don’t have a clue where he was trying to say. So, I might have claimed I knew and slightly sent him down the road away from me, purely because I couldn’t be bothered to attempt to understand where he meant. I got back to the chalet, went to the fridge, opened a carton of orange juice and drank from the bottle. About 30 seconds later, I heard people downstairs; it was the people who abandoned me. I let them know of my adventures, then went to bed, crashed out, and woke up with a rather sore head. All in all, my New Years Eve was bloody amazing.

Wipeout Count: 0

Friday, 8 January 2010

#5 I had a crazy dream, then my face froze.

Apparently, my mother likes waking me up 10 minutes before breakfast is over, forcing my to shoot up out of bed, throw some trousers on, leave my bed tee on, and rush downstairs. I also had a dream in which Michelle, from the Beaver Bunch, and I were helping to build Samantha Ronson’s seaside mansion, as, of course, Sam and Michelle were married (Facebook told me that part). I then had to venture back to my old school to talk to a blow up sheep with three heads and a snake skin body. It was pretty weird.

The weather today was atrocious! It started out not too bad; we had some very good runs, then the rain, hail and wind came, soaking and freezing me. At one part, we were on a chair lift, with the bitter winds bellowing all around us, the hail pinching my skin as it hit my cheek and the freezing rain burning my face. Lovely.

Dinner this evening was wonderful, but afterwards we watched 300 (seen it, it’s great) which I would have enjoyed if everyone wasn’t talking over it, so I decided to go to bed. At 9:15 I climbed into bed with an awake Ella and enjoyed snuggles with her.

Wipeout Count: 2

Thursday, 7 January 2010

#4 The last paragraph was wrote while drunk.

Today is the day we fend for ourselves, after having 3 days of breakfast, lunch and dinner being served, our rooms being tidied and any questions about the resort or skiing answered within 5 minutes. They are providing breakfast and lunch, so it’s not too bad and tonight, we’re going to an all-you-can-eat buffet, which should be interesting. I am the king of buffets. I have a stomach that is basically the whole of my body.

Today, on the slopes, the visibility was poor, again, there was mist everywhere, and it was raining which made the snow slushy – not good. On the whole, it wasn’t too bad. I had one tiny, weeny fall in which my ski came off, but I was stood up after my tumble. That’s basically all I have to say about skiing.

We’ve arrived back from the meal, and I have to admit, I am slightly tipsy. I had a few drinks with the meal, and we were also given complimentary flavoured vodka shots, which were delicious (I had two!!). The meal itself was delicious; vegetarian Mexican food.

Wipeout Count: 1

Tuesday, 5 January 2010

#3 You may call me 'Aunt Vicky'.

Last night, I got rather drunk. Not drunk enough to make a complete tit out of myself, but drunk enough to wake up and have no motivation whatsoever to get out of bed.

I had the second day skiing blues, where my legs ached, and ached, and ached. Also, the visibility on the slopes was so poor. The clouds had rolled in, blocking any chance of sun, and causing a blizzard. The ‘white out’ meant that I may have been skiing down the piste, gone right into a lump of powder, used the snow to take off one of my skis and then had a quick rest on the snow. I can understand how this would have looked like I fell over to a passer by, but I can assure you it was all intentional.

After skiing, I decided that I would pick Ella up from her club, my mother, however, left without me to get her. This meant that, much to my enjoyment, instead of walking on the road, that went downhill and had lots of curves in (much like a snake), I took a shortcut which consisted of sliding down the hills, which were fresh with powder due to the massive snow dump, dodging trees and rocks as I went. We then played in the snow, building a snowman, making snow angels and again, having a snowball fight in which I was victorious.

This evening we ate, drank and chatted; nothing too exciting. There is a pub crawl on tonight, but I’m the only one who wants to go, and Daddy has the money. Thus, I am in my room, watching The Parent Trap (Lindsay Lohan) which is a spectacular film, and if you haven’t already. then see it. It will make your life that bit better. “Hello, pet. You may call me ‘Aunt Vicky’!” Epic.

Wipeout Count: 1

Monday, 4 January 2010

#2 First day of skiing.

Mother woke me up this morning, 40 minutes after I rolled over, switched my alarm off, and went back to sleep, and informed me of the ‘wonderful view’. I wasn’t too bothered about this, but I thought it would be nice to humour her, especially since I was already late. I sat up, looked outside, and exclaimed ‘Bloody hell!’. I felt like I was living in a postcard, it was that picturesque.

I’ve literally just come back from the first day of skiing; I am in so much pain. My boots were so tight I felt like I was a traditional Japanese woman. That was the only real complaint. My muscles and joints ache slightly, but nothing too bad. On the slopes today, I stopped to wait for Mum, when I saw her talking to 3 people who were looking at a rock that was tumbling towards her, which she then proceeded to try and pick up. Already annoyed at her for being insanely slow, I shouted loudly (in my head) that whatever she was trying to pick up for the French people was not her problem! Then it came tumbling towards me. Joy. I looked up at mum with an exasperated expression as she squealed and pointed at the ground near my feet. The ‘rock’ was rolling towards me. As it came closer, I realised, that it was a brown, furry snow rodent. I took my glove off and picked it up. It looked like a very hairy baby mouse. I skied down to Dad, with this ‘marmot’ scrabbling about in my hand, showed him, took a picture, and then set it free.

Ella is currently at her children’s club, and I’m going to get her shortly, and I’m going to be owning her ass in a snowball fight.

Wipeout Count: 0

Sunday, 3 January 2010

#1 The journey there

If there was a competition for napping at every available chance, I think I would have placed in the top three. I slept in the car on the way to the airport, I slept whilst waiting to board the plane, I slept on the plane, I slept on the coach on the way from the airport to the chalet, and I slept, from 10:30, in my bed. You may think that I wouldn’t win this fake competition as I could have slept more, for example, whilst walking through the airport, whilst eating my dinner or whilst writing this, but to all you nay sayers, I say*, realistically, no one is going to enter themselves in for this contest, thus giving me a large advantage in achieving a high place, being beaten only by a newborn child, old person and/or a cat.

My day so far has consisted, not only of sleeping, but being denied my vegetarian option on the aeroplane, due to some unintentional miscommunication, a special dinner having to be made at the chalet, due to them, again, not receiving notes about my herbivorous rights, and getting slightly tipsy on white wine (I don’t, in fact, like wine, but I’ll make an exception when beer is €2 and the wine is free).

It’s now just past three in the morning, so I’m going to try and get some sleep. The reason I am awake is because the room is hot enough to get a sun tan. Ella and I are sharing a room, and I deem it unfair that the glare from my laptop is hitting her delicate eyes, because I’m too much of a wuss to reside by the window leading onto the balcony just in case a creepy snow demon, with pale white skin and yellow hair, suddenly appears behind me, to grab me through the window and take me to his ice cave of doom where him and his posse will feast on my brain and eyeballs. Methinks I watch too much Buffy. Regardless, back I go to putting up with Ella tossing and turning, farting and for some reason, contorting her body into all sorts of weird positions, but somehow constantly kicking the upper part of my body, usually, my face.

*Glee reference; if you didn’t get that, watch every episode until you understand. Don’t think you can do it? Yes, you cane.

Saturday, 2 January 2010

#0 The night before.

‘Twas the night after Christmas, and no one’s awake. It’s 5 in the morning, we leave at 8. Like what I did there? No? Okay. Right, well, as you can tell, it’s the night, or should I say morning, before we leave for skiing, and I’m up, watching old episodes of Family Guy and The Simpsons, whilst my iPod takes hours to update so it has all 7000 of my songs on there. I’ve also decided to write a journal, a log, if you will, of my week in heaven.