Tuesday, 29 September 2009

A diverse week, to say the least.

So, I’m currently sat on the train on the way to college, and considering it’s a 40 minute journey, I figured what better to do than blog. Which is exactly what I’m going to do.
For the whole of last week, I was living with Keya, my very camp gay friend, and it was amazing. His sister was on holiday from Monday until Friday, so we stole her house, and we were literally living independently for the week.
On Tuesday, after I slept round on the Monday, we both had to get up at 7am, to then be ready for first period at college. Unfortunately, we’d stayed up rather late the previous night, and were very, very tired. I had no trouble whatsoever getting up, Keya, on the other hand, was a complete nightmare! I woke him up at seven, reminding him of college, but he rolled back over. I had my breakfast, tried to wake him up again. Once more, he was having none of it. I tried again, he shouted at me. It got to 7:30 and I figured that he really, really needed to be up. So, I pulled the duvet off him, and threatened him with the cup of cold water I had in my hand. He got so shitty! Alas, I never did wake him up that morning. He told me he’d get to college for second period instead. He never did.
After I finished college for the day, I really felt compelled to get him a present, just like a good husband would, I guess… So, on my way back, I popped to the local shop and bought him bacon, as he loves it, and we forgot to buy it when we went food shopping on Monday night. When I got in, he had cleaned the whole house and done the washing up. It was literally like we were a couple living together!
The days went by and we had a great time. We had visitors, we also spent time alone. We just had a good time. Then we decided to host a gathering Wednesday night, as Lou, Matt, Tom and I had the Thursday off and Keya didn’t have to go in until later. David, however, had to be in college for first thing! He still came round though.
The night began with David, me and Keya singing High School Musical Singstar at the top of out lungs! It was great! Then Matt and Lou joined us, and the drinking began. Tom later joined us, and we were all in the lounge, sat down, drinking, singing, just having a good time.
David had previously downloaded a Japanese shock horror that everyone is watching in Film Studies called ‘Visitor Q’. We thought we’d watch it because everyone seemed so disgusted by it in Film, so we wanted to see what the fuss was about. It wasn’t actually that bad, to be honest. It’s only a bit of incest, domestic violence, drugs, rape, necrophilia and lactating…
Anyway, we thought we’d go into the kitchen to watch the film as it was way too loud in the lounge to watch it, and David thought it was too hot in the lounge anyway. So, as we’re sat there, watching some woman being forced to lactate, while her breasts are being squeezed, Matt comes in, and him and Lou have had an argument, so he thought he’d come into the kitchen to cool off. This is only the start of the night of alcohol fuelled arguments.
Basically, Matt had joined us because he said that if anyone, including Keya, gets aggressive with him, then he’d punch them, which Lou interpreted as, ‘I’m going to punch Keya.’. This didn’t go down too well with Lou, understandably, so they had a dispute about it. This was not helped by the alcohol. I then went into the lounge to help them sort it out, and Tom helped in making Lou understand what Matt meant, by stating that, for example, if I got aggressive with him then he’d ‘smack the bitch out!’ Lovely, Tom.
David and I are sat happily watching our film again, and Keya comes stumbling through the corridor, wine glass in his hand, into the kitchen mumbling ‘fucking Chris Brown and fucking Rihanna. Calling me a fucking fag…’ Me and David are so confused, so we’re just looking at him like ‘What the actual fuck…?’ as he starts giggling like a little school girl. Then Keya storms off slurring ‘Fuck you guys, I can’t be bothered.’ which has got me and David even more confused! A few minutes later, Lou comes and joins us in the kitchen and says ‘Keya would like it if you guys stopped staring at him.’, so I said ‘Keya, would you like to know why we were staring at you?’ and then did a tremendous impression of him, mincing in, chatting about Chris Brown and Rihanna, which, I admit, was hilarious.
At this point, everyone’s in the kitchen, and Lou and I both light our cigarettes on the gas hob, and Keya wants to too. So, he put the hob on, lit his fag, and as soon as he faced us, we all burst out laughing. He had singed the first layer of his fringe! Unfortunately, Keya did not find it as amusing as we did, and got slightly angry, yet we carried on laughing at the brown layer on top of his black hair.
Then, once more, David and I were left alone to carry on with our crazy Japanese film, bar Matt, who was still with us. Lou, Keya and Tom were all in the lounge. Matt went to join them, and then stormed out shouting something about Lou and Keya. What had happened was; Keya and Lou were both in their underwear, for some unknown reason, since the rest of us were fully clothed, and Keya was on top of Lou getting a back rub. Matt, unfortunately did not see it as innocent as it actually was, and was shouting at Lou. This was not entirely helped by Keya sarcastically saying that he had an erection. Regardless of the fact that Keya is gay, Matt still took it as his girlfriend being on another guy. At this point, we were all in the kitchen, once more, Matt shouting at Lou and Keya, me and David trying to calm it down, and Tom getting so fed up of this, he just walked out and went home. I was stood in front of Matt, who was sitting down, and Keya, who was just in his boxers and socks, was facing me, shouting at me, attempting to intimidate me, with his ex-pikey ways. Me and David decided it would be best if they were separated, so Keya and Lou went into the lounge once more, leaving just me, David and Matt in the kitchen.
Keya then puts his shoes on and storms out the house, claiming he had has enough. I follow him, leaving David, Lou and Matt in the kitchen. As I’m following Keya, Matt and Lou are ‘sorting things out’, and as David said, they were shouting so much he had to scream ‘INDOOR VOICES!’ at them!
Keya is out the house, storming down the road, and I’m following him, with no shoes on, and it had been raining! My socks got soaking and it really wasn’t that comfortable. Keya noticed me following him and told me to ‘Fuck off.’ I tried explaining to him that I had to follow him, as I didn’t want him getting into a fight or hit by a car, or anything bad. He ignored that and carried on storming away. Again, he turned round, saw me and this time, and started running off! So, I run after him, which was horrid, considering how ridiculously unfit I am. He finally stops at a bus stop, and sits down. I wait, a few paces away from him, and then he signals me to join him after a few minutes. He eventually calms down, and feels able to come back. We decided it’s probably best for Keya not to confront Matt and Lou for a while, until he is properly calmed down, so he begins putting the recycling in the bin, with David’s help (and considering the amount of alcohol consumed, was a fair bit). David then helped to calm Keya down, and even got him to apologise, which, in itself is a massive achievement, considering how insanely stubborn Keya is. While this is happening, I’m in the kitchen with Lou and Matt, trying to sort them out. After a while, it boils down to them both being calm and vaguely comprehending where the other one is coming from. Matt works up the courage to make a speech, including the line if ‘Look, Lou, I love you, okay?’ to which Louisa replies ‘And I love spending time with you.’ And although it sounded bitchy, I made it clear to Matt that she was actually extremely flattered, as I can read Lou like the back of a cereal box (I don’t read books…).
Then Keya came back in the kitchen, and apologised to Matt and Lou for getting overly aggressive, mouthy and bitchy, just, in less words, more like ‘I’m sorry for being a dickhead.’ Which lead to Lou and Keya hugging, which made Matt feel extremely uncomfortable, thus through gritted teeth he stated that he was going to ‘smack him’. Unfortunately for everyone, Keya overheard this, which made him feel like it was appropriate to first query what he said, and after we all denied that Matt had said he was going to hit him, he said ‘If he said that, I’m going to get a knife, and I’m going to stab him.’ Although I took this threat loosely, I was still kinda worried since Keya was right by the knives in the kitchen!
Luckily, we calmed him down, and we got David, Lou and Keya in the lounge, and I made everyone tea, and we all sat down together, as we were at the beginning of the night, with no arguments or conflict.
It’s was about 12:30 which really isn’t late, but David and I, and everyone agreed that it was probably time for bed. Lou and Matt slept together in the lounge (in more sense than one!) and Keya, David and I all snuggled together in the double bed. For about the first 20 minutes of bed time, I had Keya saying ‘I’m such a dick when I drink.’ Then chuckling to himself like a child. Then we all went to sleep, woke up, and everything was alright in the morning. But alas, David and I never did finish our film.

Monday, 21 September 2009

Ella has a gay school teacher, but it didn't mean I was happy.

It’s 9am, and my alarm is set for 10:30am. I was actually awake at 7:45am this morning. Why? Because I wanted to take my 5 year old sister to school. It was horrible.
It’s her second week at First School, and I thought, since I don’t have to leave my house until around 11:30 today, why not take her to school. I get up, keep last nights boxers on, put on yesterdays jeans, take off my ‘Hump & Dump’ tee I wear to bed, (as I had a feeling it would be somewhat inappropriate for a primary school) put a jumper on, with no top on underneath, and put on the first socks I find on my floor, which were no doubt 3 days old.
So, after straightening my hair so poorly there really was no point, we all leave. Mum and Ella in the car, as they are driving half the way and walking the rest, and me doing the same, following on my moped (or dyke bike).
Anyway, we’re walking up to school, me and Ella, since Mum walked ahead as she actually works at the school Ella goes to, thus she had to get there earlier than Ella. Despite this irrelevance, we arrive at school, holding hands, and she looks so much cuter in her summer dress, cardigan and school shoes, than all the other kids. There really is no contest.
Ella gets into the playground and at first we’re playing; she’s holding my hand taking me places, whilst walking backwards. Then she finds Simone, who is in her class, and she gives me her lunchbox to hold, and starts running around like a crazed monkey, and I’m standing there, watching her, with a content expression on my face, really thinking how incredibly lucky I am. Sad, I know, but she is the light of my life.
So, she’s playing, what I would assume to be ‘Tag’, and occasionally using me as her protection. And she’s got this huge grin on her face, while running around laughing. Then Ella’s teacher opened the door, and my mother was right, he is exceedingly homosexual! Like, you could tell from a mile off. So, he’s opened the door, and the children are lining up to go inside. I give Ella her lunchbox, give her a hug and a kiss, and just watch her go inside, and she looks happy. As soon as I couldn't see her I genuinely felt like crying. It was awful. I really don’t understand how my mother has done that three times.
Regardless of that, I’m going to leave the blog there, since I have a personal statement to do for later on today. Ergh.

Friday, 18 September 2009

The incoherent mass of events from the past few days.

I’m currently sat in Starbucks, with my friend Anna from college, drinking tea and watching her fail at drinking hot chocolate by getting whipped cream all around her mouth. God, I feel the part.
So, I went to a party last night, and set out to get really, really drunk. And I did. I also managed to get two free drinks and a taxi ride back.
The night started off with me being exceedingly late, getting there at 9:30, instead of the starting time of 7:30. I blame the buses for this. I was a bit pissed off with the fact that the bus was going to get there any earlier, but as the bus pulled in, I noticed that the bus driver was a massive dyke!! This excitement was enhanced by the two girls behind me, who was also raging homosexuals.
After arriving at the club, and greeting the people, including Charlie and Phoebe from work, and Stacey, the host of the party, who we used to work with also, I ordered a pint, to Phoebe and Charlie’s amusement (they found it profoundly butch). After taking the piss out of me for ordering a pint, they proceeded to promise me a cocktail. Okay, so I don’t usually drink cocktails, but I’m not turning down a free drink! (Speaking of cocktails, Phoebe and Charlie drank cocktails called Pink Pussy, much to my delight! I’m sure you can simply imagine the jokes.)
The night went on and, to be honest, there are some blank spots in my mind. Although, a fond memory of the night was playing gay chicken with straight girls. It’s so much fun! They get really creeped out! Yes, it may be weird, but watching them squirm is hilarious!
So, I managed to get a pint out of Charlie and a shot of Sambuka out of Phoebe, as well as getting my own drinks. I was very, very drunk. They got a taxi back to the train station, where I parked my bike, at around 12, and paid for it all. I paid nothing.
After arriving at the train station, me and Charlie decided to sing, which turned into shouting as loud as we could! I have no idea why, or what song we were attempting, but we did. Then they went to walk home, and I went to get on my moped. Yes, I was drink driving. And it’s a hideously bad, yet hilarious story.
So, I arrive in the taxi at Poole train station, and say goodbye to my friends, get my keys out of my pocket, somehow open the seat to get my helmet out and am able to put the keys in the ignition, get on my bike, and fall straight over. Literally, straight over. I probably hurt myself but, to be honest, I was so drunk I couldn’t comprehend it. I ride back, not perfectly, but manageably, singing, no shouting Lady Gaga – Poker Face, at the top of my voice, whilst beeping my horn! I must have woken so many people up! I somehow am able to arrive home, but I did a shoddy attempt at pulling into my driveway, failing, so I had to turn round, I once again fell over. This is when I actually hurt myself. I have a cut on my hand, a damaged elbow and my helmet is all scratched up… In all honesty, it isn’t as bad as I make out, but I’m a pussy. Well, you know what they say; you are what you eat!!
That was my night, and then I woke up in the morning, well, at about 12, and had a wonderful day in Bournemouth.
I’m now currently on the train back from New Milton, with Keya and David, who are both very homosexual, and they’re bitching about how I don’t blog about them. So, here we go.
We are coming back from New Milton, as that is where Louisa (the drunken lamppost talker!) lives. We got 23 items of food from Tesco, including cake mix. Tesco value cake mix! As we got two packets of cake mix, we split into teams. Me and David and Lou and Keya. Lou and Keya’s cake went well. Mine and David’s on the other hand… We decided to pour a whole new bottle of blue food colouring into it. Then realised it would taste like ass, so put loads of sugar in! Then as it was too gloopy, since we put fizzy tropical drink in instead of water, Lou suggested putting corn flour in it, to thicken it up. So, that’s what happened… Then, when Lou and Keya weren’t looking, me and David put bread into their cake mix! They noticed, and vowed to get us back… They put bread in ours too. Then, again when we weren’t looking, they poured salt into it all! Keya told me when we went out for a fag, and Lou and David were in the lounge, so when we went back into the kitchen and the cakes were baking, we put soy sauce and hot chilli powder in it!
Whilst the cakes were baking, Keya and Lou pinned me down whilst David tried to teabag me! Not nice. So, I got into Xena mode and fended all three of them off! Just because David and Keya are poofs and Lou’s a girl, it doesn’t mean they’re weak!
After a slight rape session, the cakes were done, so we went and got them out of the oven, let them cool down, and went to all try mine and David’s creation (with the tropical soda, salt, sugar, corn flour, soy sauce and chilli powder in), although, little to David’s knowledge, despite us all saying we were going to eat it at the same time, me, Louisa and Keya had no intentions of eating the skaggy pile of crap on our forks. David, however, oblivious to all the extra ingredients that had gone in there, put it in his mouth. Chewed. Screwed his face up in disgust, and spat it all out in the bin.
We then watched TV, got the train, went home. And here I am now, finally finishing off the blog that has taken me all day.

Friday, 4 September 2009

A night to remember...

It’s 7:37 in the morning, and I haven’t slept a wink. Why? Because I took five caffeine pills last night and I have been up all night on the computer and then buzzing in my bed. I also decided to steal my little sister from her bed and snuggle with her in mine. We ended up going for a midnight (well, three o’clock in the morning) feast, consisting of biscuits and milk! What fun.

Last night, me, Louisa and Matt went out. Matt wasn’t drinking because he was driving. I was drinking, but I can handle my drink. Louisa, however, was totally and utterly 100% fucked! Let me paint you a picture of how incredibly wasted she was:

So, Matt came to pick me up from my house, and she had already started drinking her alcopops. How classy…! Then we went to give Keya, our wonderful, very camp, gay friend, his baccy. We sat in Matt’s car talking to him and Lou carried on drinking. Then we went to park Matt’s car in an area that wasn’t surrounded by houses, because even sober, Lou is so, so loud! Her laugh is around about the same decibels as a plane, and it’s a cackle/shriek, with the occasional snort. So, we sat in the car for a bit, me and Matt happily listening to the radio. Me sipping on my beer, and Lou drinking her WKD. Then she got in a strop about something, got out of the car, walked off, with her bottle, and went out of sight. I said to Matt ‘I give it… Five minutes before she comes back. Or when she’s run out of alcohol.’ Although, about quarter of an hour later, she still hadn’t returned, so we though that maybe we should look for her. I suppose that’s what a good best friend and a boyfriend are meant to do…? We walked down the road she went along, and up to the junction, but couldn’t see her. We waited and looked, but still no sign. So, we went back to the car, and Matt was just about to start up the engine, to look for her, when low and behold, she comes out from behind the trees, with, as predicted, no bottle in her hand. Giggling like a schoolgirl, she tells us that she made friends with the tree she was hiding behind. Yes, that’s right; she was talking to inanimate objects! (She also named it Edwood. Geddit?) At this point we’re all out of the car, and standing by the children’s play park, which Louisa decides she wants to go into! She attempts climbing over the fence several times, with me and Matt holding her back, which resulted in a tantrum… Let’s remind ourselves that she is 17, and she got stroppy about not being allowed in a play area. After quickly getting over the fact she wasn’t allowed in, she thought it would be a good idea to say ‘Hey! Let’s all get in our underwear!’ so, following her own instructions, she does. She strips down to her bra, knickers and socks, in the cold, spitting night. Luckily, there are no cars, or people out at this point. It was like one o’clock in the morning. Because Lou decides that in her underwear, and my jacket which I kindly lent her, as she was shivering, she looks like a prostitute, so, as a good prostitute would do, she goes and stands on the street corner… Me and Matt stand in the same spot we were, discussing music, giving Lou the benefit of the doubt that she would return to us, without either getting arrested, or picked up by someone. Next thing we know, she’s by a lamppost… Not entirely sure what she’s doing, Matt and I go over to investigate. We can hear her talking to it. She’s is actually having a conversation with a lamppost. Apparently, Michael (that was his name) was unhappy about having a label on him, so, Louisa being the nice person she is, was peeling it off for him, whilst asking him not to shout at her for being slow, because her nails hurt from peeling off the sticker. Of course, Matt and I couldn’t hear the lamppost talking because we didn’t speak ‘Whisper’. Then me and Matt started taking the piss. Matt started talking to a plant, and I started talking to a bush and named it George, like George Bush, which all but Lou and Michael found hilarious! Neither of them appreciates the fact that we were taking the piss out of her. Then Louisa finds a snail, and calls it Samuel, who she then later threw across the road, and then got upset that she did, but couldn’t find him in the grass after. So, she carries on talking to Michael, yes, the lamppost, all while the rain is getting harder. What are me and Matt doing at this point? Watching her, videoing it, and talking about and listening to music. In a vain attempt to coax Louisa out of this child-like, imaginary world, she runs off to help Michael’s friends… Weird, I know. It’s raining pretty hard now, and I’ve given Lou my jacket, so me and Matt decide it’s probably best to go back to his car. Unfortunately, Louisa is not so keen, so Matt had to carry her, with her complaining all the way, and shouting sorry to Michael for not being able to remove the entire label. Finally, we get her into the car, still just in her underwear and my jacket, which has snail juice on. Then suddenly, she opens the door and flails out of the car, running away. I run after her, and she protests that she only needs a wee, and then, whilst urinating, by a tree, she proceeds to inform me that her piss is warm on her feet. Mmm, how wonderful. We get her back into the car, take her back to my house where she is sleeping, and she clambers into bed, after basically molesting my kitten, who didn’t take too kindly to that, and falls pretty much straight asleep.

And that’s basically it, and now here I am, still awake after, quite literally, no sleep, watching the sun slowly rise, listening to Regina Spektor.