Friday, 18 September 2009

The incoherent mass of events from the past few days.

I’m currently sat in Starbucks, with my friend Anna from college, drinking tea and watching her fail at drinking hot chocolate by getting whipped cream all around her mouth. God, I feel the part.
So, I went to a party last night, and set out to get really, really drunk. And I did. I also managed to get two free drinks and a taxi ride back.
The night started off with me being exceedingly late, getting there at 9:30, instead of the starting time of 7:30. I blame the buses for this. I was a bit pissed off with the fact that the bus was going to get there any earlier, but as the bus pulled in, I noticed that the bus driver was a massive dyke!! This excitement was enhanced by the two girls behind me, who was also raging homosexuals.
After arriving at the club, and greeting the people, including Charlie and Phoebe from work, and Stacey, the host of the party, who we used to work with also, I ordered a pint, to Phoebe and Charlie’s amusement (they found it profoundly butch). After taking the piss out of me for ordering a pint, they proceeded to promise me a cocktail. Okay, so I don’t usually drink cocktails, but I’m not turning down a free drink! (Speaking of cocktails, Phoebe and Charlie drank cocktails called Pink Pussy, much to my delight! I’m sure you can simply imagine the jokes.)
The night went on and, to be honest, there are some blank spots in my mind. Although, a fond memory of the night was playing gay chicken with straight girls. It’s so much fun! They get really creeped out! Yes, it may be weird, but watching them squirm is hilarious!
So, I managed to get a pint out of Charlie and a shot of Sambuka out of Phoebe, as well as getting my own drinks. I was very, very drunk. They got a taxi back to the train station, where I parked my bike, at around 12, and paid for it all. I paid nothing.
After arriving at the train station, me and Charlie decided to sing, which turned into shouting as loud as we could! I have no idea why, or what song we were attempting, but we did. Then they went to walk home, and I went to get on my moped. Yes, I was drink driving. And it’s a hideously bad, yet hilarious story.
So, I arrive in the taxi at Poole train station, and say goodbye to my friends, get my keys out of my pocket, somehow open the seat to get my helmet out and am able to put the keys in the ignition, get on my bike, and fall straight over. Literally, straight over. I probably hurt myself but, to be honest, I was so drunk I couldn’t comprehend it. I ride back, not perfectly, but manageably, singing, no shouting Lady Gaga – Poker Face, at the top of my voice, whilst beeping my horn! I must have woken so many people up! I somehow am able to arrive home, but I did a shoddy attempt at pulling into my driveway, failing, so I had to turn round, I once again fell over. This is when I actually hurt myself. I have a cut on my hand, a damaged elbow and my helmet is all scratched up… In all honesty, it isn’t as bad as I make out, but I’m a pussy. Well, you know what they say; you are what you eat!!
That was my night, and then I woke up in the morning, well, at about 12, and had a wonderful day in Bournemouth.
I’m now currently on the train back from New Milton, with Keya and David, who are both very homosexual, and they’re bitching about how I don’t blog about them. So, here we go.
We are coming back from New Milton, as that is where Louisa (the drunken lamppost talker!) lives. We got 23 items of food from Tesco, including cake mix. Tesco value cake mix! As we got two packets of cake mix, we split into teams. Me and David and Lou and Keya. Lou and Keya’s cake went well. Mine and David’s on the other hand… We decided to pour a whole new bottle of blue food colouring into it. Then realised it would taste like ass, so put loads of sugar in! Then as it was too gloopy, since we put fizzy tropical drink in instead of water, Lou suggested putting corn flour in it, to thicken it up. So, that’s what happened… Then, when Lou and Keya weren’t looking, me and David put bread into their cake mix! They noticed, and vowed to get us back… They put bread in ours too. Then, again when we weren’t looking, they poured salt into it all! Keya told me when we went out for a fag, and Lou and David were in the lounge, so when we went back into the kitchen and the cakes were baking, we put soy sauce and hot chilli powder in it!
Whilst the cakes were baking, Keya and Lou pinned me down whilst David tried to teabag me! Not nice. So, I got into Xena mode and fended all three of them off! Just because David and Keya are poofs and Lou’s a girl, it doesn’t mean they’re weak!
After a slight rape session, the cakes were done, so we went and got them out of the oven, let them cool down, and went to all try mine and David’s creation (with the tropical soda, salt, sugar, corn flour, soy sauce and chilli powder in), although, little to David’s knowledge, despite us all saying we were going to eat it at the same time, me, Louisa and Keya had no intentions of eating the skaggy pile of crap on our forks. David, however, oblivious to all the extra ingredients that had gone in there, put it in his mouth. Chewed. Screwed his face up in disgust, and spat it all out in the bin.
We then watched TV, got the train, went home. And here I am now, finally finishing off the blog that has taken me all day.

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