Monday, 12 October 2009

The one where no one who knows me should read.

Yes, I’m a pussy, but I can get away with it with the ‘you are what you eat’ excuse, right…?

Wrong. Not if I want to do something about it.

Okay, so here’s something I haven’t blogged about before; my feelings. I’m not entirely sure that I should, because somehow it could get back to those it concerns, but I’m going to type it anyway.
The main thing that’s going on in my life is my love life. In essence, I’ve met this girl, and she’s amazing. Utterly amazing. And I know she likes me too. There are so many catches, it’s unreal. For starters, she’s taken. By a guy! Secondly, she’s straight, or at least has always identified herself as straight, until I came along, being ‘the only girl she’s ever been attracted to’. And thirdly, I’m scared. I’m honestly scared.
It all started at a party, almost two months ago. She was there, with her boyfriend, and I was making out with Lou and Keya. Why? Why not. It’s what we do. Kissing is our thing. And then I was making out with her. I whispered in Lou’s ear, ‘I’m so gonna bone her.’ Because, at the time, I was only interested in getting on thing from her: Poon. (Admittedly, I did manage to take her down to the toilets and get a bit of groping in, but, I digress…)
When I was with her that first time, I didn’t really care about her. I felt no real emotional attachment, or so I thought, maybe it was subconscious, but regardless, I just felt like my usual, over confident, womanizing self. In fact, I made out with four straight girls that evening (it was lacking severely in dykes), three had boyfriends, and it was more than making out with two. See, that’s the kind of person I am.
But yeah, we started talking the next day, due to the powers of MSN, and things went from there. There was no uncomfortable air, and we got on well, really well. I admitted that I liked her, and she said she liked me too, which is weird for me, really weird, since I don’t like girls. I like vagina. I like seducing girls to get in their pants, and to be brutally honest, I will cheat, lie and be a cunt, just to get sex. It’s like a sport to me. But with her, it’s completely different.
With her, I respect her too much to lie to her, so I’ve tried to tell her exactly how I’m feeling about this situation. With her, I can see myself being in a committed relationship, without wanting to cheat. With her, I can see myself being happy.
But equally, I’m scared. I am so very scared. First, all this is foreign to me. I mean, yeah, I’ve been in relationships before, but they’ve been with people I’ve either not liked, or cheated on, or both. But with her, I don’t want to do that. And because I really like her, I’m scared of messing things up. I’m not sure how to handle the situation, and this is hard for me to admit, because I’m such a cool, confident person, who always seems to have things sorted and always has an answer for any situation, but I am terrified of screwing this up. Also, I’m worried that either she’ll cheat on me or I’ll cheat on her, since neither of us have good track records. And what if she decides that she can’t do the same sex relationship thing anymore? But mainly, all this boils down to me being utterly terrified of the reality of the situation, and being scared about getting hurt.
Whenever I’m with her though, I have a really good time. I feel comfortable and relaxed around her. I feel like I can be myself, and I’m allowing her to be herself. We laugh at the stupidest of things sometimes, and it’s really, really nice. It’s lovely. Whenever I talk about her, I go ridiculously femme and start twiddling my hair and sighing. Whenever I can smell her, I take a long breath in, and basically swoon. (In fact, we’ve decided that my hoodie, is now our hoodie, and it currently smells like her because she sprayed it loads with her perfume, and I’ll be doing the same with my Lynx when it’s her turn.) It’s horrible! It’s so unlike me! The thing is; I know I shouldn’t like it, but I do. I really do.
Unfortunately for me, there are two major things stopping us from being together. One, the fact that she still has a boyfriend. And two, she has told me that she is not ready to come out and label herself and she isn’t comfortable with it being public as she feels being will judge and label her, which she has reason to believe, since that is more likely than not what will happen on at least one occasion.
Now, usually this wouldn’t bother me because I’d only be in it for sex. I’d be perfectly happy to be her ‘bit on the side’ and keep it ‘hush, hush’, but not this time. I don’t like the thought of sharing her, I really don’t. Not in a possessive way, but, I can’t explain it, but I know it’s not because I want to own her, but there’s something about knowing she always has the option of going to a nice, heterosexual relationship, with a guy who she knows it works with, and loves, that I’m not too peachy about.
Before I make even less sense, I would like to say something else. This is a very weird situation. Obviously sexual fluidity exists, and I comprehend that, but she’s never been with a girl before, and the other night, she came round mine, and we slept together, in more sense that one. And, it was amazing, to be honest. There was cuddling and kissing, which would ordinarily make me feel slightly sick, but it felt so good. This ‘straight’ girl, with a boyfriend, had sex with me, and it didn’t feel uncomfortable or awkward. It just felt great.
Also, what’s really weird is its National Coming Out Day today. The Beaver Bunch’s (YouTube them) topic this week was about a lesbian who is in a relationship with a unlabelled girl who isn’t ready to come out and all this is happening at the same time!
Unfortunately for me, as I said, at least for the near future, we’re not going to be together. She’s too scared about ‘coming out’, which I’m definitely not going to force her to do. I totally understand that it is something that you do of your own accord, and how and when you feel is best. Also, the slightly problematic ‘her having a boyfriend’ thing ties in quite nicely with the problematic twist of my love life.
So, in conclusion, I have no idea what to do. I know what I want to do. I want to be with her, even though I am totally shitting myself about it, because she is near perfect for me. I know she’s not the best looking girl, or the coolest girl, or whatever, but I don’t care about that. In my eyes, she is insanely amazing. She’s beautiful, she’s sexy, I find her incredibly attractive, she’s funny, she’s easy to talk to, she’s intelligent, she’s caring, she’s… She’s just plain wonderful and I am falling, very deeply and quickly, for her.
To finish this off, I would like to thank one of my best friends. Louisa Marie Maidment. She’s amazing. I know I take the piss out of her a lot in my blogs, but I do love her, with all my heart. I’m always, always here for you, and I really appreciate knowing that you’re there for me. It means a lot to me that I know you care about me. And I love you for that. I love you for so many things you do, and I even love the things I claim to hate, like your laugh, your ‘occasional’, erm, overconfident side, your incredible ability to embarrass me and so much more. I love feeling comfortable with you, in so many ways. I love being able to tell you anything, literally, anything about myself, and the worst I can expect is for you to laugh. I love how, even when you’ve been a complete twat, I can’t stay angry at you. And I love how you’ve got a hold over me, and how I want to talk to you all the time, and how much of an amazing friend you are, not only to me. I love you, Lou. I really, really do.

P.S. I let Lou read this before I posted it, and she said it made her full on cry!

1 comment:

  1. This is interesting! You are in a predicament arent you??