Thursday, 20 January 2011

I'm not straight, right...?

I’ve just had the most horrible, morbid, sadistic thought ever. I think I’m turning straight.
Okay, hear me out. For some strange reason, I find guys attractive, which is cool, right? That’s normal for a lesbian; I’m allowed to find them attractive. Like, I don’t wanna sleep with them. I just wanna stoke their muscles and cuddle them and grind on them when I’m drunk. This all more specifically applies to gay guys, because I LOVE gay men.
Anyway, so, I was at the gym with my friend Anna, and there was the personal trainer that she wants to, um, whatever the heterosexual term for scissoring is, with him. And I saw him, while I was in one of my ‘camp phases’ (I go through random periods during the day when I, all of a sudden, turn incredibly camp and mince around, hand on hip, strutting, with a limp wrist and I have NO idea why I do it). So, I looked him up and down, and confirmed with Anna that he was indeed a bit of alright, and told her to back off because he was now mine, to which Anna replied “What? You wanna sleep with him?!”. I realised that I kinda did wanna sleep with him, but in a gay way. And not actually sleep with him, just like, cuddle him a bit. And then, earlier on today, I passed this really gorgeous, muscular gentleman and said to myself ‘Oh, he’s gorgeous’.
So, I highly doubt that I am actually straight, because, like, ew, for starters. I think I’m just actually a gay man in a lesbians body, and NO, that does NOT make me straight. Plus, I can’t physically think about having ‘intercourse’ with a man. My brain just doesn’t conjure up an image. OMG! You know what I need? A gay guy to have a relationship (minus sex and add polygamy) with! THAT would be perfect!
So, in conclusion, I’m a whore that will sleep with anything, I’m too gay for my own good. Even my ‘heterosexuality’ is gay, and I really need to get laid soon. Like, ASAP. Any offers...?

Friday, 14 January 2011

[Insert creative and relative title here]

This week has been painful to say the least. Not in an emotional sense, but in a physical one.
Monday was nice and chilled, with Laura and Brodie watching Xena and eating pizza. Tuesday, however, I decided to go to the gym. I was having great fun on the cross trainer for almost an hour watching High School Musical 2, when someone comes up to me. It was my friend Anna, a sports fanatic, personal trainer wannabe. So, I’m all like ‘Bitch, please. I’m watching High School Musical. Why you interrupting this shit?’, and she’s all like ‘Hey, fatty, get yo’ ass off there so I can torture you.’. That was basically the dialogue. Then she destroyed ever single muscle in my body to the point of waking up and finding it hard to move the next day.
On Wednesday, I went to the gym with Anna. Again. And the again on Thursday. So, basically, I’m a muscular ball of pain right now. And now it’s Friday, I’m going out to the gay clubs to get very drunk with my best friends. Awesome.
Also, you know what really pisses me off? Running around the house trying to find the source of the incredibly irritating constant ringing, only to reach it as the other person hangs up.

Tuesday, 4 January 2011

Hello 2011, nice to see you.

So, another year has passed, and I’ve still yet to accomplish anything of worth in my life. This might have something to do with being the laziest sod on the planet and being unemployed for the best part of 4 months. However, 2011 is gonna be a whole ‘nother story...
            I’m usually one of those cynics who thinks that New Year’s resolutions are a load of bullshit, as, realistically, the goals are too high and what difference is this one day gonna make? So, usually, I don’t make them. This year, I’m not making so resolutions as such, I just really need to get a fucking job and motivation and stuff ASAP, so, that’s what I’m gonna do.
            Basically, I need to save up money, that’s the only reason I want or need a job. I wanna go to New York to see Beauty, the musical Regina Spektor wrote the music for. I wanna go to Dinah Shore when I’m 21, because I’m a gigantic lesbian. I want to go and do a skiing season in France sometime soon. They’re just the big things that I want in the next few years. I also will need to move out of my parents place at some point in my life, because, I ain’t gonna lie, my room right now is no ‘pussy magnet’.
            I hate how things I want cost loads of money, but that’s the way the world is, so I’ve gotta either keep up or fall behind.
            In other news, my NYE was awesome. Keya got ridiculously drunk, to the point of throwing up, we danced, I got my boob slapped by a 35 year old who kept eyeing me up, a man nearly got his naked penis kicked and some lesbians started arguing! So, all in all, yeah, it was a pretty good night.
            I can’t wait for this year to turn out awesome. Even if I don’t do what I wanna do, I still know that it’s going to be a great year, because of the amazing people in my life. You should really be jealous that Keya, Louisa, David, Laura and Brodie aren’t your best friends and that you don’t have the best 6 year old little sister in the world. Like, seriously, envy me. I would if I were you.
            I’m ending this here, and I’m gonna try and do short blog-y updates more frequently, because, let’s face it, nothing that interesting happens to me anymore, so long blogs would be pointless!
Happy 2011, hoes!

Also, remember I’m on YouTube and go and subscribe: