This is a story dedicated to Keya, my very camp best friend who I regularly blog about for his 18th birthday. Happy birthday, Keya. I love you.
Once upon a time, there was a beautiful girl called Keya. Keya lived in a majestic house in the picturesque village of Broadstonia. Keya lived with her loving parents, and her three gorgeous sisters. Keya was the most beautiful, kind, loving and talented of all her siblings, and that is why everyone she met adored her. Keya had long, shiny, jet black locks, which shimmered in the sunlight, and flowed down to her tiny waist.
There was only one problem in Keya’s life, and that was how Broadstonia was plagued with vicious, antisocial beasts called chavs. As soon as she stepped out of her house, she was mugged, beaten and tormented by the brutal beings. Keya felt that she had only one option; to join them. With tears in her eyes, she drew the clippers to her head and shaved off all her hair. She wept as clumps of her perfect hair fell to the floor. Hands shaking, she lifted up a mirror to admire her grade one haircut. She felt so ashamed of herself that she crumpled into a ball in the corner of her pink, princess-clad room, and cried hysterically. She raised her head and stared at the poster in front of her. It was a picture of the Disney Princesses with the slogan ‘Dreams Come True’. She said that inspirational quote over and over again in her head, and with a determined look upon her face, she promised herself that one day she would be a princess.
Keya stayed in Broadstonia for many, many years, but longed to escape. One day, she met a girl called Tash, who was soon to become a close friend. Keya and Tash had many adventures together and would constantly squat in their den playing with farts, fans and whiteboards. Keya was never happier than when he was playing with Tash, but unfortunately, the bonds of their friendship were broken as Keya was grasped by the hands of poor education, leaving Tash all by herself receiving a better one.
The years went by, and Keya mourned over the loss of her dear friend Tash, and she longed to be with her everyday. Luckily, she met a boy called Thomas Turnblad, and they soon became the best of chums. They did everything together. They were a most mischievous pair, constantly getting into trouble. One time, they almost burned down a whole island!
Keya, still with her shaved head, decided that it was time to move on and leave the small town on Broadstonia in order to explore the world and attempt to be reunited with Tash. She was granted a place in the educational establishment of Broken-Hearse. As soon as she left Broadstonia, she felt like she was a different person. Her sense of style changed from shabby builder, to glamour queen. She even felt it was time to grow back her long, beautiful locks.
Her first day at Broken-Hearse was the best day of her life. She found herself bundled into a Media class with the commoners, many of whom would be instantly forgotten. She took a seat near the front, and as she turned to her side, she saw a boy who she thought she recognised. “Hi, I’m Keya.” She said, to the stunningly handsome lad. “Hey, how’s it going? I’m Tash.” Replied a voice accompanied by a winning smile. It was Tash, Keya’s old friend! Keya leapt up in joy and hugged the very stunned Tash. “I thought I’d never see you again!” Keya wept.
The two instantly connected again, and after several orquard train journeys back, they were soon onto speaking endlessly about shiek topics such as hurpies and homosexuality. They fell back in love, and were rarely parted. They showed their affection by constantly groping each other, making out and pretending to be cats underneath the table in Media.
One day, as Keya and Tash were together, they befriended an odd couple; Dangerous Dave and FagHag. Dangerous Dave, or DD for short, was a raving homosexual, just like Keya and Tash, and they all immediately got on from the word go. FagHag was a lover of gays, and mixed with their homosexuality, they all got on like a hooker gets on men.
The foursome had many fun times together. They went out together, to places like the Buck of Stars, and The Triangle. They were the most popular people about and everyone wanted to be them. They were so well loved that many people got jealous and gave them massive evils when they shouted about things such as food porn, toxic shock syndrome and Maddie McCann.
Tash, Dangerous Dave and FagHag all got caught in a huge storm one day. As the rain soaked their skin and the wind smarted their faces, Tash had some thinking time. She realised that is was her destiny to become the worlds best lesbian blogger and renamed herself ‘Dykadellic’.
After Keya saved Dykadellic’s life, a fairy godmother came down in the form of BroBear, a wondrous being, and granted Keya one wish. Keya wished to be a princess for the rest of her days. Her wish was granted and Princess Keya was the ruler of all Broadstonia. She banished the chavs who had plagued her life for so long to the benches near Tesco, and made Dykadellic her king, and Dyakdellic changed her name again to Ewan Moore. Dangerous Dave, FagHag and BroBear all lived at Princess Keya’s castle and they all lived happily ever after.