Friday, 3 September 2010

Welcome to the depths of my soul.

Why must I feel like this? For the past week or so, I’ve been feeling like ass. Total crap. Literally, depressed. And I don’t know why.
I’ve been coming home from work, lying on the sofa, and staying there until the early hours of the morning watching CSI and Family Guy. Going to sleep, and doing it all again. My life serves no purpose, and I’m completely unmotivated. I’ve been ignoring my best friend, despite how he phones me everyday, and I feel so fucking bad about it, but I don’t want to talk to him, because I’m ashamed. He’s been texting me, trying to contact me, and I’ve literally been ignoring him. I mean, I appreciate his attempts, I really do, but I just feel ashamed and down. I don’t *want* to talk to anyone.
            When I’m lying on the sofa, watching shit TV, playing pointless games on my iPod, I feel so, so drained, pointless, still. I don’t want to move, I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to talk, I don’t even want to sleep, despite how tired I constantly am for work.
            I want to sleep, I want to cry, I want to release whatever is inside of me that’s making me feel like this! I want to feel better! I just can’t seem to… I go to work, and I’m fine, but as soon as I come home, I feel nothing. I feel empty.
            There are possible reasons for this. For example, Louisa, one of my best friends, is leaving to go to university in London soon. Another reason could be my best friend going away for like a week to Madrid. But the most probably reason is, the fact that I’m not going back into education, I don’t have a stable job under my belt, and I don’t have the skills required to go into the field I want to. I could get the skills, sure, but that requires motivation. Something I lack. Making me more depressed. Catch 22, right?
            My motivation is so low. I’m arriving to work about 5 minutes late everyday, I’ve been promising myself that I’d tidy my room for months, I need to go to the gym, but I can’t be arsed. I don’t want to get out of bed in the mornings, and I don’t want to go there at night.
            Hopefully, these feelings will go away soon. I really hope they do. Also, I’m sorry for being so damn emotional, but blogging is my release. God, I hate depression.
         I’m ashamed that it’s me feeling like this. I’m ashamed that I can’t control it. But mostly, I’m ashamed that it’s happening again. I want to be happy.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry. I know it doesn't make you feel any better, but I know what it's like to feel this way. Zoloft did wonders for me. Though I've since gone off it, I'm considering starting up again.

    I hope you feel better soon.