Possibly the best Friday in my entire existence

Okay, so today has literally been one of the best days of my life. I’m not even kidding. I know you won’t care, but I want to relive the best day, like, ever!

            Okay, so I woke up at 7 am, and didn’t miss the train to college! Then I went to Drama, which was actually alright, considering it was just a boring written lesson. After Drama, I usually have 4 hours of free periods, which I spend in the library procrastinating as much as possible, watching Family Guy and playing Grand Theft Auto. Today, however, Georgie, Emily and I all went to Becky’s, which is like a 10 minute walk, yet, we drove there. Regardless, we made a cup of tea, talked about my epic birthday that’s coming up and talked about masturbation. Then Becky asked if I would masturbate in front of her. I declined. Then, we talked about porn and found it appropriate to watch the sickest porn we could find, because we’re strange like that and find it hilarious! We kinda popped Emily’s weird porn virginity with viral videos such as 2Guys1Stump, 1Man1Jar and Putrid Sex Object. It was great!

            We put the laptop away after not being able to find 2Girls1Cup and 1Man1Screwdriver, then Georgie decided to show us her special talent! Queefing! It was the weirdest thing watching her do a shoulder stand whilst spreading her legs at all sorts of different angles with Becky stating that she could ‘hear it breathe’.

            Then we chatted, laughed, watched Georgie attempt to roll (which ended atrociously!) and left to go back to college, where I met up with Louisa and Keya, and we spent about half an hour with each other before our lessons began again.

            It was time for English, so I trudged along, not looking forward to an hour with The Witch only to find out our lesson had been cancelled! So, back I went to the library, completed the essay plan for my next lesson and played Grand Theft Auto. Awesome.

            It was time for Media with Keya, Chris, Emily, Tom, Hope and Ben, who are all amazingly hilarious. Also, we had Graham, our crazy ginger, wannabe hip-hop artist teacher. Surprisingly enough, we didn’t really do much work.

            After the lesson ended, I got a phone call from David, asking me if I wanted to go up to Southampton to join him as he was there by himself getting his MacBook fixed. At first, I declined ‘cause I really couldn’t be bothered. Then I roped Keya into coming, and we got the train, with Max and Tom (from Media).

            On the train, Max was being a homosexual bastard. I was trying to snuggle him, like a normal couple do, and he was completely rejecting me!! So, we had a small domestic where I moaned at him for trying to act ‘manly’ in front of his friends, and not showing me affection. Then, I brought up how he cheated on me at his brothers wedding. He claimed that was because he saw me and his brother in a room together, which he jumped to extreme conclusions about because his brother was telling me not to break up with Max! Max then (at the wedding) kissed a girl in front of me because he ‘thought I was cheating on him’, and then punched his brother in his face!! I had to break up with Max then and there because I just couldn’t take it anymore. I decided to make Max jealous by flirting with Keya. It totally worked.

            Whilst all this was going on, there was a really rather attractive woman sat opposite us on the row behind, and she kept looking at us. I decided it would be appropriate to pull really strange, hideous faces at her. Unfortunately, I think she saw one… LOL!

            Time jump! We’re now at Southampton, Max, Keya and I, and we’re going to meet David. David had finished getting his MacBook fixed by the potentially gay guy in the shop who gave David a £100 battery for free, so we went for dinner at Nando’s.

            After waiting forever to actually get seated, we finally did. I decided, being the lovely, wonderful person that I am, that I’d buy the boys their dinner. After a nice political debate about the new government, we were ready to order. Up Max, David and I went to the till, ready to place our orders, and luckily, there wasn’t a large queue. Unfortunately, there was a Chinese lady in front who didn’t quite understand her receipt. After literally about 10 minutes and the staff member going through it at least seven times, she seemed content, so finally left! We ordered our food, and sat down to wait.

            Whilst we were eating, for some really strange reason, Keya started talking about how much we hated our husbands (David and Max). Keya was bitching about how David didn’t like the dinner he cooked, so he ate his baby, and I was bitching about how on Valentines Day, Max chased me around the house with an axe. It was literally hilarious, and it’s been videoed, so there’ll no doubt be a link on here post-production, and/or on my Twitter (@Dykadellic) and Facebook.

            David needed to get some new work shoes, so we looked in Schuh, a shoe shop, surprisingly, where the staff were so rude! Max and I were clearly having a conversation with each other, and this woman interrupts us mid-laugh, to ask us if we ‘need any help’. Erm, excuse me, but one, we’re not even buying anything, and two, you totally just butted in! I’m joking, we’re not that obnoxious.

            Then, after an unsuccessful browse in there, we went to Sports Direct, which is basically a maze of sports clothes, shoes, equipment and other accessories. Max and I got bored, and I was pointing at all the really attractive shoes telling Max he looked like them. Then we, mainly I, got hyper, and pretended the shop was a jungle, started making orgasm noises near people, then hiding and trying on hats.

            We went to McDonald’s to get a McFlurry, because I’m obese and need a constant supply of food. There, we sat, almost alone, took pictures of us, and the cleaning staff (that bit was just me) and I may or may not have pretended I was deaf, and even put on the ‘voice’. It was kinda hilarious, so don’t judge me, because I already know I’m horrid, but if you were there, you’d be going to hell too, because you would have laughed!

            The time had come for us to head back to the train station, and also time for another alter ego to come out. This time, I was Winston (after Churchill, you know), son of Napoleon, commander of the H.M.S. Victory in the war on the Spanish Armada, and very well spoken, racist, rich, upper class gentlemen, who only has one white slave “And that’s the wife! Chortle!”. This was also videoed, and if I may say so myself, it was hilarious. There’s something wrong with me, but I like it.

            Anyway, after about 1000 hours of laughter, mainly caused by Max, it was time to depart. Max was going the opposite way to us, so David, Keya and I got on the train together, and I doodled on pictures of people in the paper.

All in all, it’s been an exquisite day, and I’m pretty sure I couldn’t get better friends even if I tried.

Fish out of Water

Being the giant homosexual that I am, I decided to purchase a DVD called Fish out of Water, a documentary on homosexuality and the Bible. I’m not a Christian, I’ve never experienced any real discrimination from the Christian community for being gay, and I come from a largely secular part of the UK where, on the whole, people are less passionate about religion, unlike in America, where the documentary is filmed.           

The documentary is about a young woman’s abandonment by her Christian friends when she came out in college, and then her realisation that Christianity doesn’t condemn homosexuality. Ky Dickens, the creator of this film, interviewed over 100 people, including several church officials, all but two who accepted homosexuality (one was from the West Borough Baptist Church), including an AfterEllen.com writer, Trish Bendix. 

I can’t convey how much this film affected me. It’s made me revaluate my life, so to speak. I am a strong believer in equal rights for everyone, especially the homosexuals. I am so passionate about being gay and being involved in the community that I’ve literally become absorbed in my gay bubble, which protects me from all the condemnation, so I brush past the real homophobia out there because I’ve never had to deal with it. As far as being active in the fight for gay rights, I occasionally troll the anti-gay groups on Facebook, educate my friends on the topic and attend pride festivals. This DVD has made me really want to be so much more active in the LGBTQ community, at the risk of sounding like a clichéd douche; it’s been an inspirational eye opener for me. It really has. 

I don’t understand how people can have so much hate in their hearts and claim it to be Christianity. Personally, I’m agnostic, but I’ve studied religion at a relatively low level, but I’m not uneducated on the topic. The backbone of Christianity is love. ‘God is love’, 1 John 4:8. In pretty much any situation that can be applied, so why are these ‘Christians’ allowing their souls to be overcome with hatred for their fellow man?! It doesn’t make sense to me. 

The film disproves theories that fundamentalists have clutched onto for decades to coin homosexuality as a sin, when really, if you look into the verses, as the documentary shows, the verses, such as Leviticus, “A man shall not lie with another man as it is an abomination”, they’re out of context, outdated or are shown from another perspective to not speak about homosexuality at all! I can’t articulate what the pastors, philosophers and other specialist say as well as them, so I strongly urge you to watch the DVD. 

I’m not intending to offend anyone with my words. I respect people of faith; I really do, because I personally can’t commit myself to one religion and believe it to be the inerrant truth. Having said that though, I do not tolerate homophobia, or discrimination of any sort, and I think that Christians who condone this discrimination are fools, to be honest. 

I think one of the reasons that this affected me so much was because it showed the true extent of homophobia to me. You know when you’re forced to study World War 2 in History, and you look at the holocaust? Or when you’re studying slavery, or other forms of extreme discrimination? You study it, but you don’t really understand it because it’s easier to generalise it and overlook the true scale and horror that happened. 

I can’t urge you enough to watch this film. It’s just amazing. Another incredible film about homosexuality and Christianity would be Prayers for Bobby, which is based on the real story of a young man who commits suicide because his extremely Christian mother refuses to accept his sexuality. It takes a lot to make me cry, but that film made me cry hysterically. It’s definitely worth watching, and it can be easily watched online for free, or bought.

Fish out of Water website: http://fishoutofwaterfilm.com/

Fish out of Water trailer: http://fishoutofwaterfilm.com/trailer.html

Prayers for Bobby trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gU-1ho0c9Ik&feature=related

Paedophile Dave and the Racist Latvian.

It was Friday, and Keya had planned to go out clubbing with a 50 year old man called Dave (AKA Dave the Rapist, Paedophile Dave). Now, I don’t go out on Friday nights clubbing because I have work the next day, and when I don’t sleep, I get grouchy. I also have an inability to leave the clubs early and not get utterly wasted (money permitting). However, Keya invited me out. At first I declined, until I realised he was going with Paedophile Dave, meaning I had to go otherwise Keya might get his drink spiked and rape may occur!

            Side note; You may think I’m over reacting with the whole ‘drink spiking’ thing, but Dan, who also went out that night, went back to Dave’s one time, got offered coffee and after a few sips felt light headed, so ran away. Hence the name ‘Dave the Rapist’.

            Keya, David and I had a quick gym session (which was much quicker for Keya who gave up after an hour) then I showered, and got ready to go to Keya’s for predrinks, then town.

            Keya was already slightly drunk by the time we got on the bus and met Dan. We arrived in town and waited for Paedophile Dave. Whilst waiting, Keya informed me that Dave said he’d pay for Keya’s drinks that night. Being the jammy fucker I am, I decided that we should formulate a plan where I get free drinks too.

            At this point, Keya was rather drunk, as was Dan, and I was getting tipsy. Then along came Dave. We made up some story to him about how I don’t have a passport, and only have my student ID and whatnot, which claims I’m 19 and blah, blah, blah, so he said if anyone questions me, to pretend I’m his little sister. Ain’t gonna lie mate, but do you *honestly* think we could get away with that?! You’re about the same age as my dad!!

            We ventured into the gay bars, and Dave bought all three of us drinks. We were served by these two gigantic bears! (If you don’t know what a ‘bear’ is, look it up in the gay section.) Then we went to another one, which was actually busy. We got there, I bought Keya and me a drink, and then we went to the beer garden and socialised.

            Whilst we were here, I may have completely eavesdropped in on Dave talking to his butch lesbian friend. The part of the conversation that I overheard went a little something like this:

            “This is my new missus. Yeah, it’s going really well. I’ve got her name tattooed on me and everything!”

            After bearing witness to the epitome of the lesbian community, Dan suggested quickly going to another club to get stamps before midnight so the entry was half price. We told Dave we were going, and he said he’d meet us in there. Then Keya and I performed an exquisite routine of ‘Oh, do you have any money, Keya? Cause I don’t.’ when we clearly did. Dave the Rapist gave us £20 which Keya smoothly refused to accept, so I took it and promised Dave I’d give him the change.

            We ran over to the club, laughing at our profit, went into the club, bought drinks with Dave’s money, and got our rave on.

            I was substantially drunk and I saw this rather attractive girl sat by herself. I walked over to her and asked her to dance, well, forced her upon the dance floor, and offered to buy her a drink, which, thankfully for my pocket, she declined. I then informed her, and the gay guy she was with, that I was going for a cigarette, which Keya joined me for. Keya then asked the sexuality of the pair, in a slurring manner. Apparently, the girl was straight! That made me glad she declined my drink offer, but sad in my pants.

            Then, I started talking to this guy from Latvia, wearing a t-shirt that read ‘If I say I’m gay, will you let me touch your boobs.’ For some drunken reason, I said ‘YES!’, and then he started talking about how he preferred the gay scene because there were less ‘niggers’.

            So, I’m there like ‘What…?’ and he starts chatting on about how white people should stay in Europe, yellow people should stay in Asia and black people should stay in Africa eating bananas in trees (his words NOT mine). I started laughing because it was all so ridiculous! I genuinely was under the impression he was joking. Then Keya came out, and I can’t remember what was said but I remember Keya coming over, talking to us for a bit and then dragging me away because Keya thought he was being racist. I then explain to Keya that the Latvian guy was just joking… Then the Latvian said that he wasn’t joking. Keya kicked off.

            The next thing I can recall is Keya’s skinny 5’4” frame squared up to the 6ft, well built Latvian, with me beside Keya, fists clenched, ready to punch him in the head. Apparently, I had time to text Twitter informing them of this fight, whilst Keya was shouting in the Latvian’s face. Paedophile Dave came out just in time to drag Keya off the Latvian he kicked as I was telling him that he should “walk the fuck away”.

            We went back in the club, explain to the lovely bouncer, Sean, what had happened, and I told him about how he called black people monkeys, and the Latvian was banned. Drunken lary kids: 1. Racist Latvian: 0.

            Now, we’re back in the club and Keya’s getting hit on by this guy. I’m at the bar, ready to buy another drink. I look over to Keya who has obviously requested that in the courting process, this homo must buy him a drink. I watch this guy, just in case he tries to spike Keya’s drink or something, and he literally walks over to the bar, changes his mind, picks up this half full glass from the table, and gives it to Keya! Then, I caught Keya’s eyes, he looked back at me, one elbow on the table, resting his head against his hand to hold it up, eyes half shut, lifting the drink to his lips. I shook my head at him, and Keya put the drink down. I then walked over to him, and told him where the guy got the drink from. Then I picked it up and started to drink it. Yeah, I’m gross, get over it!

            We danced, we drank some more, we spent all of Paedophile Dave’s money on drinks because he never asked for change! I made out with a black girl. We danced the Bad Romance. Then, the club we were in was shutting. Keya and I decided that it would be best to head back home.

            We got outside the club, around 4 AM, and then we saw him again. The racist Latvian! I remember Keya shouting at him, me telling him to fuck off whilst following him down the street to make sure he went, then I turned around and Keya’s on the floor wrestling with some guy! Neither of us have a clue why, and I’m pretty sure we’ll never know.

            At half four, we finally got on the bus to go home. I was being chatted up by a 37 year old called Nick, who was actually lovely, despite being creepy. Keya then threw up before we got into the taxi, which I filmed, of course! Then we got back to his house, I decided to ride my moped the 3 minute journey back to mine standing up! Then I got back, at 5 AM, went to sleep, then woke up at 9 AM to get ready for work.

            I spent £50 in total that night. I felt like shit for work. We got into a fight. It was amazing though. And Keya didn’t even get raped!

Princess Keya and Dykadellic!

This is a story dedicated to Keya, my very camp best friend who I regularly blog about for his 18th birthday. Happy birthday, Keya. I love you.

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful girl called Keya. Keya lived in a majestic house in the picturesque village of Broadstonia. Keya lived with her loving parents, and her three gorgeous sisters. Keya was the most beautiful, kind, loving and talented of all her siblings, and that is why everyone she met adored her. Keya had long, shiny, jet black locks, which shimmered in the sunlight, and flowed down to her tiny waist.

There was only one problem in Keya’s life, and that was how Broadstonia was plagued with vicious, antisocial beasts called chavs. As soon as she stepped out of her house, she was mugged, beaten and tormented by the brutal beings. Keya felt that she had only one option; to join them. With tears in her eyes, she drew the clippers to her head and shaved off all her hair. She wept as clumps of her perfect hair fell to the floor. Hands shaking, she lifted up a mirror to admire her grade one haircut. She felt so ashamed of herself that she crumpled into a ball in the corner of her pink, princess-clad room, and cried hysterically. She raised her head and stared at the poster in front of her. It was a picture of the Disney Princesses with the slogan ‘Dreams Come True’. She said that inspirational quote over and over again in her head, and with a determined look upon her face, she promised herself that one day she would be a princess.

Keya stayed in Broadstonia for many, many years, but longed to escape. One day, she met a girl called Tash, who was soon to become a close friend. Keya and Tash had many adventures together and would constantly squat in their den playing with farts, fans and whiteboards. Keya was never happier than when he was playing with Tash, but unfortunately, the bonds of their friendship were broken as Keya was grasped by the hands of poor education, leaving Tash all by herself receiving a better one.

The years went by, and Keya mourned over the loss of her dear friend Tash, and she longed to be with her everyday. Luckily, she met a boy called Thomas Turnblad, and they soon became the best of chums. They did everything together. They were a most mischievous pair, constantly getting into trouble. One time, they almost burned down a whole island!

Keya, still with her shaved head, decided that it was time to move on and leave the small town on Broadstonia in order to explore the world and attempt to be reunited with Tash. She was granted a place in the educational establishment of Broken-Hearse. As soon as she left Broadstonia, she felt like she was a different person. Her sense of style changed from shabby builder, to glamour queen. She even felt it was time to grow back her long, beautiful locks.

Her first day at Broken-Hearse was the best day of her life. She found herself bundled into a Media class with the commoners, many of whom would be instantly forgotten. She took a seat near the front, and as she turned to her side, she saw a boy who she thought she recognised. “Hi, I’m Keya.” She said, to the stunningly handsome lad. “Hey, how’s it going? I’m Tash.” Replied a voice accompanied by a winning smile. It was Tash, Keya’s old friend! Keya leapt up in joy and hugged the very stunned Tash. “I thought I’d never see you again!” Keya wept.

The two instantly connected again, and after several orquard train journeys back, they were soon onto speaking endlessly about shiek topics such as hurpies and homosexuality. They fell back in love, and were rarely parted. They showed their affection by constantly groping each other, making out and pretending to be cats underneath the table in Media.

One day, as Keya and Tash were together, they befriended an odd couple; Dangerous Dave and FagHag. Dangerous Dave, or DD for short, was a raving homosexual, just like Keya and Tash, and they all immediately got on from the word go. FagHag was a lover of gays, and mixed with their homosexuality, they all got on like a hooker gets on men.

The foursome had many fun times together. They went out together, to places like the Buck of Stars, and The Triangle. They were the most popular people about and everyone wanted to be them. They were so well loved that many people got jealous and gave them massive evils when they shouted about things such as food porn, toxic shock syndrome and Maddie McCann.

Tash, Dangerous Dave and FagHag all got caught in a huge storm one day. As the rain soaked their skin and the wind smarted their faces, Tash had some thinking time. She realised that is was her destiny to become the worlds best lesbian blogger and renamed herself ‘Dykadellic’.

Dykadellic, formerly Tash, got into a fight with a huge sea beast known as The Walrus. The Walrus used her thunderous thighs to asphyxiate Dykadellic, and forced her phalanges into the forest of no return. Keya, being the brave young girl she is, wrestled with The Walrus, despite the stench coming from its skin being unbearable.

After Keya saved Dykadellic’s life, a fairy godmother came down in the form of BroBear, a wondrous being, and granted Keya one wish. Keya wished to be a princess for the rest of her days. Her wish was granted and Princess Keya was the ruler of all Broadstonia. She banished the chavs who had plagued her life for so long to the benches near Tesco, and made Dykadellic her king, and Dyakdellic changed her name again to Ewan Moore. Dangerous Dave, FagHag and BroBear all lived at Princess Keya’s castle and they all lived happily ever after.

Praise the Lord for Geek Night!

Wednesday night was one of the best nights of my life. Thursday morning was one of the worst hangovers of my life. David’s 18th was certainly a good one.
As I’m sure you could tell, it was David’s birthday, so we went out for it. I met at Keya’s sister’s house where Louisa, Brodie and Keya all already were. A slight bout of pre drinking then ensued before Eloise came to pick us up.
Before I carry on, I must let you know that David’s birthday was a themed one, and the theme was ‘Geeks’. Louisa looked like a slutty school girl was glasses. Brodie looked like a six year old prostitute. Keya looked like he was going to work. (I’m ripping their costumed to shreds to hype mine up more), and my costume was by far the best. I went all out! I had black jeans and a white shirt on; tucked in, of course! Under that, I had a Transformers top, Space Invaders boxers and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle socks. My father lent me his oversized tie with cartoon sheep making love on! I had a blazer, which had been cut into a waistcoat, I had parted my hair into curtains and I’d even found my old retainer and wore that. Put it this way, I looked hideous!
We rolled up at the pub in Eloise’s car and went inside to greet everyone. David was sat in the middle, and we gave him his oversized ‘To my Husband’ card, balloon and massive ‘18’ badges (by we I mean, Keya and Lou bought this, I took some of the credit). Keya then let David know that for his present, we’re giving him the ticket to go and see Lady GaGa again with Keya! In my books, that makes us pretty damn good friends, no?
Keya, Lou and Brodie ordered chips from the pub as they were hungry, and I went to the toilet. I came back to find out that Keya and Lou were getting kicked out because they didn’t have any I.D. Apparently, you’re not allowed to be in a pub after 9 if you’re under 18. So, with that, the majority of us stood outside in the smoking shelter and grumbled about the age limit, since, a fair few of us were underage! Brodie brought Keya and Lou’s chips out to them, and as soon as they started eating them, a member of staff appeared and told them that they had to ‘leave the premises’. They told him that they wanted to eat their chips. He wouldn’t let them. He wouldn’t let them take the plate either! He then threatened to call the police to which Lou replied ‘Oh, it’s okay. They’ll take about 20 minutes to get here, anyway, and we would have finished our chips.’. However, they ended up grabbing handfuls of burning hot chips, and walking out the pub complaining about the heat against their delicate skin. Wimps.
Regardless, Eloise drove us back to Keya’s sister’s house to pick up Lou’s I.D that she forgot, then to McDonald’s drive thru, then back to the pub to pick other people up before driving us to town. She did a lot of driving that night, dropping people off and picking people up, so, thank you very much. It was really, really helpful, especially since it was pissing it down!!
Then we got to the gay end of town; Anna, David, Louisa, Keya and I. We went into the club and started drinking. For some reason, I drunk a lot more than normal, downing shots of Sambuca and vodka lemonades. We drank, we danced, we make fools of ourselves. Then, Bad Romance came on. Keya and I are amazing at the dance, so, what did we do? Stood up on the dance floor and did the dance to Bad Romance. It was amazing! It was actually really cool. We then drunk some more.
At one point, we resided outside the club, probably smoking, and met some really cool people. We then sat on a wall opposite the club where Anna didn’t feel to good, so David told us they were gonna go home and a drunken Louisa and I put on our best Southern American accents (think True Blood) and started shouting about how “The homosexuals! And the blacks! Are going to hell!”. We also shouted “Praise the Lord!” a large amount too…
After getting over the ‘hallelujahs’, my memory is slightly hazy. Apparently, Keya tried to pick Lou up, but in his drunken state, he fell back and hit his head, knocking him out for five minutes. Lou said there were people coming up to her asking if he was okay, which she just brushed off claiming he was fine! This may have been the point where I texted Twitter saying “Fuck. I lost friends.” The next thing I remember, apart from a lot of erratic dancing and more drinks was Keya, for some reason, flicking his drink at Lou, who retaliated, and it all got a bit out of hand and soon, we were picking up random drinks and throwing them in each others faces!! I got it in my eye and the bubbles burned, so I ran into the toilet to rinse my face, and was shortly followed by Keya and Louisa. We ran the taps, filled up our cup and pursued to soak each other for the sole reason of amusement! We realised that we should probably leave before we got barred, so we ran out of the club, towards the taxi rank, giggling like schoolgirls. We got in the taxi, I sat in the front and maybe talked to the driver as I was most comprehendible out of all us three. We got back to Keya’s sister’s house and crashed out. This was between 3 and 4 AM.
We awoke sometime later morning and we all felt so crappy. I felt like I was going to vomit and my head was on the verge of exploding. My hair was ridiculous! It was all stuck up and half parted from my curtains! We just sat down in almost silence for a long time before realising we should probably go home. I got home, ate basically the whole house, and then went to sleep for 5 hours and woke up feeling a lot better, but still slightly sick. It’s taken me two days to not gag at the thought of alcohol, but would I do it all again? Hell yeah! That was a night to go down in history.