My EPIC birthday.

Saturday 10^th July – My 18^th birthday.

Thursday 8^th July – Sunday 11^th July – Gay Pride.

And that’s not the only reason why my birthday was the best one EVER!

Friday:

Friday night was the start of my birthday, and Pride, celebrations. I decided that for my birthday, it should be themed, which, of course, was ‘gay’. That meant basically anything to go with homos; icons, celebrities, stereotypes, whatever! I went as something I’ve always wanted to dress up as; a drag king, and I looked bloody handsome! I had a white shirt, black tie, waistcoat, smart trousers, bound chest, slicked back hair, a goatee… The full works.

            The night started with pre-drinks round Keya’s with me, Brodie, David, Dan, Amy, and, of course, Keya. David got me a case of beer, and we got our drink on. Brodie was Boy George, Keya was basically naked (the way I like him!), Dan was a rainbow, David had his ‘I <3 Lady GayGay’ t-shirt on, but I totally looked the best, no contest. Georgie made a brief appearance to give me my present – a ‘vibrating love chair’. I’ll leave that thought with you for a minute.

            We drank, and then we headed off to town. On the bus, we made some friends with a Spanish girl, and probably pissed the rest of the passengers off. We got to the clubs. We danced, we drank, some more people came, and we got our crunk on. I got some birthday lovin’, but that’s all I’m saying on that matter. Also, Keya fell off the stage, creating a giant gash on his shoulder which I was insisting was simple a flesh wound, but ‘everyone else was saying he needed to go to hospital’ (that was shouted at me, by him.)

            At some point in the night (we were all very drunk) I met a lovely Scottish lad, and mimicked his accent for a good 30 minutes. It was a lot of fun! At around midnight, Keya launched himself on me, took me to the ground and started shouting the Happy Birthday song in my face, while waving his cigarette around! He then proceeded to smooch my face off and bellow ‘WAS I THE FIRST ONE?!’.

            Also, I told my two favourite barmen, Rob and Keith that it was my birthday, and I got a birthday drink and a birthday hug from them. Seriously, they’re awesome.

            We went got in taxi, I talked to the lovely driver, and read the paper while everyone in the back was sleeping, or dying, and we got back at around 5 am, and went to bed, so we could be ready for the Pride parade the next day.

Saturday:

            Keya, Brodie and I all agreed that we should wake up at half nine, giving us plenty of time to get ready to leave by eleven. I stayed at Brodie’s that night, and we were both up on time. I had to wash the hairspray and gel out of my hair with cold water, and it was utterly gross. The cold water helped a lot with my hangover, but my hair wasn’t fully clean and when I touched it, I wanted to vomit.

            It was almost half ten and Keya had made no contact with us, so I was forced to go round his house and knock on his bedroom door. He shouted ‘GO AWAY’ at me, but then came to the door looking very hungover. I left him to get ready, went back to mine and begged my parents for a lift to town, as I also wanted them to be there. By them, I mean Ella.

            They reluctantly decided to come, despite my mother saying that ‘this type of thing isn’t usually appropriate for a 5 year old’. Okay, seriously, the worst thing is the drunken, half naked, overly camp men grinding on objects! Anyway… We arrived where Keya and I were meeting our LGBT youth group, and, still hungover, had to walk for about an hour until we actually reached the parade starting point! Finally, we were there, and it was the most beautiful sight of my life.

            We walked up the hill, and slowly saw the crowds of people, vehicles, rainbows, and gayness and happiness radiating from everyone. There were drag queens in cowboy hats and dresses, gay men in cars, lesbians galore and everyone had smiles on their faces. We took our places in the parade, among the other kids from the youth group, we had whistles and I had my pride flag at the ready.

            The parade started to move, and just seeing the procession of people, knowing I was in there, with them, gave me chills. We marched through town, passing children waving, old people smiling at us from their balconies, people cheering, all at us. They were all supporting our cause, and marching for something that is so important to me, and having a sea of people cheering, shouting, waving, and supporting us was the most overwhelming and emotional experience of my life. I struggled to hard to keep the tears back. I’ve never felt so proud in my life, which, I guess is kinda the point for Gay Pride, right?

            After the amazing parade, Keya, Brodie and I went down to watch the other events and made Ella, and my parents come too. Ella was watching the singing and really enjoyed it. She also liked holding my flag. We stayed and watched for a bit, then decided to go home in the afternoon to get ready for the celebrations that evening!

            I got home and saw my grandma for a bit. She made me cake, I couldn’t *not* see her! Then showered, and got ready for the evenings events, with a stomach still not feeling right.

            We went back to pride, this time, Keya, Louisa and I. We started off at the Pride area, where we abused a topless Mohican, with ‘Kiss My’ and an arrow pointing to his arse tattooed on him. We made up dance moves, inspired by people we saw which was hilarious! Then a very drunk friend kept wishing me a happy birthday. Then we went clubbing, I still felt sick, but I decided that drinking would help me through the pain! So, that’s what I did! Louisa, unfortunately, went home early ‘cause she was feeling ill, which sucked, but I didn’t want her to have a crappy night not feeling too good. I ended up getting very drunk, bumping into an ‘ex’ (loose term) and having a very, very awkward conversation with her. Then, at around 4 am, I thought it’d be really fun to shadow the people working there! First, I sat behind the desk checking whether or not people had stamps when they came in. Then, after the girl wanted her job back, I stood by the door, arms crossed, looking slightly angry, and asked people for ID and stamps, and they genuinely bought it! So many people, as long as they didn’t know me, believed I was a bouncer! I then went to cheer up my baby Keith (one of the awesome barmen I mentioned earlier), we were talking and I made him happy. Then he got me a lollypop and that made me happy! I got bored and thought it’d be an amazing idea to go and offer drinks to the staff and collect empty glasses. Then, I got a cloth and wiped down the surfaces. This meant I got another lolly and a free drink! This may seem extremely strange, but it was actually the most fun I’d had in a long time! I then saw Keith going into Tesco and helped with his shopping… There’s something wrong with me.

            It was 8 am and, since the sun was coming out, we decided it’d be a good time to leave the phone box with Adam Lambert and Diego (he’s lovely) and get the bus back home. Plus, I felt like death.

Sunday:

            On Sunday, Keya, Louisa, Diego and I met in town again, and this time, I felt less death-y but still quite death-y. It seemed like a good idea (after my Pepsi and ice cream from KFC) to get the drinks in. I ordered vodka and ice, which was SO good for my hangover! Like, it really was! Then we watched this theatre group perform on stage and they were the worst. Singers. EVER! Like, my ears started bleeding, they had little applause and their choreographer should have been shot. Regardless, the more I drunk the more Louisa and I deemed it necessary to mock them by mimicking their dance moves and singing. It’s okay, they couldn’t hear us…

            We carried on drinking, and listened to the bangin’ tunez on DJ Pride. Yes, the DJ was called ‘DJ Pride’. Then, Louisa spotted a scrawny, ginger barman, who she immediately fancied. We kept getting drinks, well, Louisa and I did, and before Keya and Diego left, because we’d embarrassed Keya, they went up to the barman and told him that Louisa/’that girl over there’ (my cue to point) fancied him. Louisa, extremely embarrassed refused to get anymore drinks until he had gone. It was just Louisa and I left, and I kept trying to make her talk to him, but alas, she wouldn’t.

            We spent the rest of the night avoiding stalky lesbians who know me, and I chatted up some Polish woman with a haircut like Obi Wan Kenobi for fun.

            It was time to leave, as Louisa had a train and it closed at 11 pm. Before we left, Ginger Barman apologised for earlier when we made a pathetic attempt at talking to him by asking for a lighter and he walked away. Then, I stole his phone, and saved Lou’s number in it and told him to text her. He never did…

            As we were walking to the train station, we managed to find out who won the World Cup by the masses and masses of Spanish people ecstatically cheering. We managed to get through the crowds of people by walking though, with a spring in our step, shouting ‘Hola!’, ‘Espana!’ and ‘Te amo Espanol!’. We’re not fluent in the language, so they were the three things we mustered up.

            Finally, we emerged from the thousands of Spanish people, to find a ripped t-shirt on top of a bin. Being the hyper drunkards we are, we took the t-shirt. Louisa took a whiff of the bin shirt and discovered that it was actually very clean. She still has it and plans to wear it.

            We eventually arrived at the train station, Louisa abandoned me to get a train, I got harassed by a skag’ead for 50p and then I went home and slept for about a thousand hours with a massive smile on my face because it truly was the best birthday weekend ever.

            Thank you to everyone who made my birthday amazing; my friends, family and random drunk people I met. I love the memories, and will treasure them forever.

Princess Keya and Dykadellic!

This is a story dedicated to Keya, my very camp best friend who I regularly blog about for his 18th birthday. Happy birthday, Keya. I love you.

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful girl called Keya. Keya lived in a majestic house in the picturesque village of Broadstonia. Keya lived with her loving parents, and her three gorgeous sisters. Keya was the most beautiful, kind, loving and talented of all her siblings, and that is why everyone she met adored her. Keya had long, shiny, jet black locks, which shimmered in the sunlight, and flowed down to her tiny waist.

There was only one problem in Keya’s life, and that was how Broadstonia was plagued with vicious, antisocial beasts called chavs. As soon as she stepped out of her house, she was mugged, beaten and tormented by the brutal beings. Keya felt that she had only one option; to join them. With tears in her eyes, she drew the clippers to her head and shaved off all her hair. She wept as clumps of her perfect hair fell to the floor. Hands shaking, she lifted up a mirror to admire her grade one haircut. She felt so ashamed of herself that she crumpled into a ball in the corner of her pink, princess-clad room, and cried hysterically. She raised her head and stared at the poster in front of her. It was a picture of the Disney Princesses with the slogan ‘Dreams Come True’. She said that inspirational quote over and over again in her head, and with a determined look upon her face, she promised herself that one day she would be a princess.

Keya stayed in Broadstonia for many, many years, but longed to escape. One day, she met a girl called Tash, who was soon to become a close friend. Keya and Tash had many adventures together and would constantly squat in their den playing with farts, fans and whiteboards. Keya was never happier than when he was playing with Tash, but unfortunately, the bonds of their friendship were broken as Keya was grasped by the hands of poor education, leaving Tash all by herself receiving a better one.

The years went by, and Keya mourned over the loss of her dear friend Tash, and she longed to be with her everyday. Luckily, she met a boy called Thomas Turnblad, and they soon became the best of chums. They did everything together. They were a most mischievous pair, constantly getting into trouble. One time, they almost burned down a whole island!

Keya, still with her shaved head, decided that it was time to move on and leave the small town on Broadstonia in order to explore the world and attempt to be reunited with Tash. She was granted a place in the educational establishment of Broken-Hearse. As soon as she left Broadstonia, she felt like she was a different person. Her sense of style changed from shabby builder, to glamour queen. She even felt it was time to grow back her long, beautiful locks.

Her first day at Broken-Hearse was the best day of her life. She found herself bundled into a Media class with the commoners, many of whom would be instantly forgotten. She took a seat near the front, and as she turned to her side, she saw a boy who she thought she recognised. “Hi, I’m Keya.” She said, to the stunningly handsome lad. “Hey, how’s it going? I’m Tash.” Replied a voice accompanied by a winning smile. It was Tash, Keya’s old friend! Keya leapt up in joy and hugged the very stunned Tash. “I thought I’d never see you again!” Keya wept.

The two instantly connected again, and after several orquard train journeys back, they were soon onto speaking endlessly about shiek topics such as hurpies and homosexuality. They fell back in love, and were rarely parted. They showed their affection by constantly groping each other, making out and pretending to be cats underneath the table in Media.

One day, as Keya and Tash were together, they befriended an odd couple; Dangerous Dave and FagHag. Dangerous Dave, or DD for short, was a raving homosexual, just like Keya and Tash, and they all immediately got on from the word go. FagHag was a lover of gays, and mixed with their homosexuality, they all got on like a hooker gets on men.

The foursome had many fun times together. They went out together, to places like the Buck of Stars, and The Triangle. They were the most popular people about and everyone wanted to be them. They were so well loved that many people got jealous and gave them massive evils when they shouted about things such as food porn, toxic shock syndrome and Maddie McCann.

Tash, Dangerous Dave and FagHag all got caught in a huge storm one day. As the rain soaked their skin and the wind smarted their faces, Tash had some thinking time. She realised that is was her destiny to become the worlds best lesbian blogger and renamed herself ‘Dykadellic’.

Dykadellic, formerly Tash, got into a fight with a huge sea beast known as The Walrus. The Walrus used her thunderous thighs to asphyxiate Dykadellic, and forced her phalanges into the forest of no return. Keya, being the brave young girl she is, wrestled with The Walrus, despite the stench coming from its skin being unbearable.

After Keya saved Dykadellic’s life, a fairy godmother came down in the form of BroBear, a wondrous being, and granted Keya one wish. Keya wished to be a princess for the rest of her days. Her wish was granted and Princess Keya was the ruler of all Broadstonia. She banished the chavs who had plagued her life for so long to the benches near Tesco, and made Dykadellic her king, and Dyakdellic changed her name again to Ewan Moore. Dangerous Dave, FagHag and BroBear all lived at Princess Keya’s castle and they all lived happily ever after.