My EPIC birthday.

Saturday 10^th July – My 18^th birthday.

Thursday 8^th July – Sunday 11^th July – Gay Pride.

And that’s not the only reason why my birthday was the best one EVER!

Friday:

Friday night was the start of my birthday, and Pride, celebrations. I decided that for my birthday, it should be themed, which, of course, was ‘gay’. That meant basically anything to go with homos; icons, celebrities, stereotypes, whatever! I went as something I’ve always wanted to dress up as; a drag king, and I looked bloody handsome! I had a white shirt, black tie, waistcoat, smart trousers, bound chest, slicked back hair, a goatee… The full works.

            The night started with pre-drinks round Keya’s with me, Brodie, David, Dan, Amy, and, of course, Keya. David got me a case of beer, and we got our drink on. Brodie was Boy George, Keya was basically naked (the way I like him!), Dan was a rainbow, David had his ‘I <3 Lady GayGay’ t-shirt on, but I totally looked the best, no contest. Georgie made a brief appearance to give me my present – a ‘vibrating love chair’. I’ll leave that thought with you for a minute.

            We drank, and then we headed off to town. On the bus, we made some friends with a Spanish girl, and probably pissed the rest of the passengers off. We got to the clubs. We danced, we drank, some more people came, and we got our crunk on. I got some birthday lovin’, but that’s all I’m saying on that matter. Also, Keya fell off the stage, creating a giant gash on his shoulder which I was insisting was simple a flesh wound, but ‘everyone else was saying he needed to go to hospital’ (that was shouted at me, by him.)

            At some point in the night (we were all very drunk) I met a lovely Scottish lad, and mimicked his accent for a good 30 minutes. It was a lot of fun! At around midnight, Keya launched himself on me, took me to the ground and started shouting the Happy Birthday song in my face, while waving his cigarette around! He then proceeded to smooch my face off and bellow ‘WAS I THE FIRST ONE?!’.

            Also, I told my two favourite barmen, Rob and Keith that it was my birthday, and I got a birthday drink and a birthday hug from them. Seriously, they’re awesome.

            We went got in taxi, I talked to the lovely driver, and read the paper while everyone in the back was sleeping, or dying, and we got back at around 5 am, and went to bed, so we could be ready for the Pride parade the next day.

Saturday:

            Keya, Brodie and I all agreed that we should wake up at half nine, giving us plenty of time to get ready to leave by eleven. I stayed at Brodie’s that night, and we were both up on time. I had to wash the hairspray and gel out of my hair with cold water, and it was utterly gross. The cold water helped a lot with my hangover, but my hair wasn’t fully clean and when I touched it, I wanted to vomit.

            It was almost half ten and Keya had made no contact with us, so I was forced to go round his house and knock on his bedroom door. He shouted ‘GO AWAY’ at me, but then came to the door looking very hungover. I left him to get ready, went back to mine and begged my parents for a lift to town, as I also wanted them to be there. By them, I mean Ella.

            They reluctantly decided to come, despite my mother saying that ‘this type of thing isn’t usually appropriate for a 5 year old’. Okay, seriously, the worst thing is the drunken, half naked, overly camp men grinding on objects! Anyway… We arrived where Keya and I were meeting our LGBT youth group, and, still hungover, had to walk for about an hour until we actually reached the parade starting point! Finally, we were there, and it was the most beautiful sight of my life.

            We walked up the hill, and slowly saw the crowds of people, vehicles, rainbows, and gayness and happiness radiating from everyone. There were drag queens in cowboy hats and dresses, gay men in cars, lesbians galore and everyone had smiles on their faces. We took our places in the parade, among the other kids from the youth group, we had whistles and I had my pride flag at the ready.

            The parade started to move, and just seeing the procession of people, knowing I was in there, with them, gave me chills. We marched through town, passing children waving, old people smiling at us from their balconies, people cheering, all at us. They were all supporting our cause, and marching for something that is so important to me, and having a sea of people cheering, shouting, waving, and supporting us was the most overwhelming and emotional experience of my life. I struggled to hard to keep the tears back. I’ve never felt so proud in my life, which, I guess is kinda the point for Gay Pride, right?

            After the amazing parade, Keya, Brodie and I went down to watch the other events and made Ella, and my parents come too. Ella was watching the singing and really enjoyed it. She also liked holding my flag. We stayed and watched for a bit, then decided to go home in the afternoon to get ready for the celebrations that evening!

            I got home and saw my grandma for a bit. She made me cake, I couldn’t *not* see her! Then showered, and got ready for the evenings events, with a stomach still not feeling right.

            We went back to pride, this time, Keya, Louisa and I. We started off at the Pride area, where we abused a topless Mohican, with ‘Kiss My’ and an arrow pointing to his arse tattooed on him. We made up dance moves, inspired by people we saw which was hilarious! Then a very drunk friend kept wishing me a happy birthday. Then we went clubbing, I still felt sick, but I decided that drinking would help me through the pain! So, that’s what I did! Louisa, unfortunately, went home early ‘cause she was feeling ill, which sucked, but I didn’t want her to have a crappy night not feeling too good. I ended up getting very drunk, bumping into an ‘ex’ (loose term) and having a very, very awkward conversation with her. Then, at around 4 am, I thought it’d be really fun to shadow the people working there! First, I sat behind the desk checking whether or not people had stamps when they came in. Then, after the girl wanted her job back, I stood by the door, arms crossed, looking slightly angry, and asked people for ID and stamps, and they genuinely bought it! So many people, as long as they didn’t know me, believed I was a bouncer! I then went to cheer up my baby Keith (one of the awesome barmen I mentioned earlier), we were talking and I made him happy. Then he got me a lollypop and that made me happy! I got bored and thought it’d be an amazing idea to go and offer drinks to the staff and collect empty glasses. Then, I got a cloth and wiped down the surfaces. This meant I got another lolly and a free drink! This may seem extremely strange, but it was actually the most fun I’d had in a long time! I then saw Keith going into Tesco and helped with his shopping… There’s something wrong with me.

            It was 8 am and, since the sun was coming out, we decided it’d be a good time to leave the phone box with Adam Lambert and Diego (he’s lovely) and get the bus back home. Plus, I felt like death.

Sunday:

            On Sunday, Keya, Louisa, Diego and I met in town again, and this time, I felt less death-y but still quite death-y. It seemed like a good idea (after my Pepsi and ice cream from KFC) to get the drinks in. I ordered vodka and ice, which was SO good for my hangover! Like, it really was! Then we watched this theatre group perform on stage and they were the worst. Singers. EVER! Like, my ears started bleeding, they had little applause and their choreographer should have been shot. Regardless, the more I drunk the more Louisa and I deemed it necessary to mock them by mimicking their dance moves and singing. It’s okay, they couldn’t hear us…

            We carried on drinking, and listened to the bangin’ tunez on DJ Pride. Yes, the DJ was called ‘DJ Pride’. Then, Louisa spotted a scrawny, ginger barman, who she immediately fancied. We kept getting drinks, well, Louisa and I did, and before Keya and Diego left, because we’d embarrassed Keya, they went up to the barman and told him that Louisa/’that girl over there’ (my cue to point) fancied him. Louisa, extremely embarrassed refused to get anymore drinks until he had gone. It was just Louisa and I left, and I kept trying to make her talk to him, but alas, she wouldn’t.

            We spent the rest of the night avoiding stalky lesbians who know me, and I chatted up some Polish woman with a haircut like Obi Wan Kenobi for fun.

            It was time to leave, as Louisa had a train and it closed at 11 pm. Before we left, Ginger Barman apologised for earlier when we made a pathetic attempt at talking to him by asking for a lighter and he walked away. Then, I stole his phone, and saved Lou’s number in it and told him to text her. He never did…

            As we were walking to the train station, we managed to find out who won the World Cup by the masses and masses of Spanish people ecstatically cheering. We managed to get through the crowds of people by walking though, with a spring in our step, shouting ‘Hola!’, ‘Espana!’ and ‘Te amo Espanol!’. We’re not fluent in the language, so they were the three things we mustered up.

            Finally, we emerged from the thousands of Spanish people, to find a ripped t-shirt on top of a bin. Being the hyper drunkards we are, we took the t-shirt. Louisa took a whiff of the bin shirt and discovered that it was actually very clean. She still has it and plans to wear it.

            We eventually arrived at the train station, Louisa abandoned me to get a train, I got harassed by a skag’ead for 50p and then I went home and slept for about a thousand hours with a massive smile on my face because it truly was the best birthday weekend ever.

            Thank you to everyone who made my birthday amazing; my friends, family and random drunk people I met. I love the memories, and will treasure them forever.

As promised, a post exam update.

So, it’s official, I’m out of education, possibly forever, I don’t quite know yet… Also, I’m sorry I haven’t blogged in like 400 years, but I’ve been busy procrastinating, and that takes a lot of time and effort!

            A lot’s changed since the last time I’ve blogged, mainly for the better, rather than the worse. I’ve finished all my exams, I’ve got a full time job at work, and I’ve got so much planned for the summer!

I can’t quite remember whether or not I told you about it, but my plan was, in September, to go to Brunel University and study English Language and Creative Writing. It’s an amazing uni, and writing is something I’m interested in. However, I may have accidently completely and utterly failed my coursework because I spent the majority of my English lessons at the back of the room killing hookers, stealing cars and shooting cops playing Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas on my laptop, meaning I couldn’t, regardless of how well the exam went, get the desired grades to get into uni. The exam went pretty shit anyway though. On a good exam note though, my Drama exam went alright, and my Media went great!

So, back to more stuff you don’t care about. As I said, I failed English, so I was all like ‘Oh, shit… I guess I’ll take a gap year and retake…?’, but something even better has happened! I’ve found my calling! My dream job! LGBT youth work! Basically, as I was doing my GAYly research, I found a Dorset based project called Space, which is for 15-19 year olds who identify as LGBTQ and want a space to feel comfortable. So, I had the ingenious idea of going along and asking about volunteering. Keya, who was also interested, came with me. It’s only been our second week but it’s gone really well. Now, I just need to sort out whether I really wanna do it or not and then probably go back to college to get some sort of qualification…

In other gay news, (which I know is the one and only reason you’re reading this, to find out more about my homoerotic, lesbonic, dykadellic life) I’ve created a really gay Facebook group! In a month it got around 190,000+ members, and with your help, all 3 of you who read this because I force you too, we can make it more, yes? It’s called Homosexuality is NOT a choice, but homophobia is, so join it, please? I will also be producing merchandise, like t-shirts, stickers, badges, and other stuff like that, when I get off my arse and actually bother. So, in about a year…?

Here’s the link: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Homosexuality-is-NOT-a-choice-but-homophobia-is/120303671335924?ref=ts

I’m pretty sure that’s it. I’ve just been failing and being really, really gay. OH, speaking of gay! Over summer, I’m (hopefully) going to THREE pride festivals! Hell yeah! The first one being my birthGAY one in Bournemouth, which, if you can, you should attend. The second being Brighton Pride, and the third being Manchester. Also, over summer, I’m seeing Regina Spektor. AGAIN! That pretty much sums up my summer… More gaying!

I should probably try and be a little more hetero, but CBA.

Peace xoxo HUGZ ‘N’ KIZZEZ <3<3 Mwah <3<3 xoxoxox Luff yhoo all <3333

Possibly the best Friday in my entire existence

Okay, so today has literally been one of the best days of my life. I’m not even kidding. I know you won’t care, but I want to relive the best day, like, ever!

            Okay, so I woke up at 7 am, and didn’t miss the train to college! Then I went to Drama, which was actually alright, considering it was just a boring written lesson. After Drama, I usually have 4 hours of free periods, which I spend in the library procrastinating as much as possible, watching Family Guy and playing Grand Theft Auto. Today, however, Georgie, Emily and I all went to Becky’s, which is like a 10 minute walk, yet, we drove there. Regardless, we made a cup of tea, talked about my epic birthday that’s coming up and talked about masturbation. Then Becky asked if I would masturbate in front of her. I declined. Then, we talked about porn and found it appropriate to watch the sickest porn we could find, because we’re strange like that and find it hilarious! We kinda popped Emily’s weird porn virginity with viral videos such as 2Guys1Stump, 1Man1Jar and Putrid Sex Object. It was great!

            We put the laptop away after not being able to find 2Girls1Cup and 1Man1Screwdriver, then Georgie decided to show us her special talent! Queefing! It was the weirdest thing watching her do a shoulder stand whilst spreading her legs at all sorts of different angles with Becky stating that she could ‘hear it breathe’.

            Then we chatted, laughed, watched Georgie attempt to roll (which ended atrociously!) and left to go back to college, where I met up with Louisa and Keya, and we spent about half an hour with each other before our lessons began again.

            It was time for English, so I trudged along, not looking forward to an hour with The Witch only to find out our lesson had been cancelled! So, back I went to the library, completed the essay plan for my next lesson and played Grand Theft Auto. Awesome.

            It was time for Media with Keya, Chris, Emily, Tom, Hope and Ben, who are all amazingly hilarious. Also, we had Graham, our crazy ginger, wannabe hip-hop artist teacher. Surprisingly enough, we didn’t really do much work.

            After the lesson ended, I got a phone call from David, asking me if I wanted to go up to Southampton to join him as he was there by himself getting his MacBook fixed. At first, I declined ‘cause I really couldn’t be bothered. Then I roped Keya into coming, and we got the train, with Max and Tom (from Media).

            On the train, Max was being a homosexual bastard. I was trying to snuggle him, like a normal couple do, and he was completely rejecting me!! So, we had a small domestic where I moaned at him for trying to act ‘manly’ in front of his friends, and not showing me affection. Then, I brought up how he cheated on me at his brothers wedding. He claimed that was because he saw me and his brother in a room together, which he jumped to extreme conclusions about because his brother was telling me not to break up with Max! Max then (at the wedding) kissed a girl in front of me because he ‘thought I was cheating on him’, and then punched his brother in his face!! I had to break up with Max then and there because I just couldn’t take it anymore. I decided to make Max jealous by flirting with Keya. It totally worked.

            Whilst all this was going on, there was a really rather attractive woman sat opposite us on the row behind, and she kept looking at us. I decided it would be appropriate to pull really strange, hideous faces at her. Unfortunately, I think she saw one… LOL!

            Time jump! We’re now at Southampton, Max, Keya and I, and we’re going to meet David. David had finished getting his MacBook fixed by the potentially gay guy in the shop who gave David a £100 battery for free, so we went for dinner at Nando’s.

            After waiting forever to actually get seated, we finally did. I decided, being the lovely, wonderful person that I am, that I’d buy the boys their dinner. After a nice political debate about the new government, we were ready to order. Up Max, David and I went to the till, ready to place our orders, and luckily, there wasn’t a large queue. Unfortunately, there was a Chinese lady in front who didn’t quite understand her receipt. After literally about 10 minutes and the staff member going through it at least seven times, she seemed content, so finally left! We ordered our food, and sat down to wait.

            Whilst we were eating, for some really strange reason, Keya started talking about how much we hated our husbands (David and Max). Keya was bitching about how David didn’t like the dinner he cooked, so he ate his baby, and I was bitching about how on Valentines Day, Max chased me around the house with an axe. It was literally hilarious, and it’s been videoed, so there’ll no doubt be a link on here post-production, and/or on my Twitter (@Dykadellic) and Facebook.

            David needed to get some new work shoes, so we looked in Schuh, a shoe shop, surprisingly, where the staff were so rude! Max and I were clearly having a conversation with each other, and this woman interrupts us mid-laugh, to ask us if we ‘need any help’. Erm, excuse me, but one, we’re not even buying anything, and two, you totally just butted in! I’m joking, we’re not that obnoxious.

            Then, after an unsuccessful browse in there, we went to Sports Direct, which is basically a maze of sports clothes, shoes, equipment and other accessories. Max and I got bored, and I was pointing at all the really attractive shoes telling Max he looked like them. Then we, mainly I, got hyper, and pretended the shop was a jungle, started making orgasm noises near people, then hiding and trying on hats.

            We went to McDonald’s to get a McFlurry, because I’m obese and need a constant supply of food. There, we sat, almost alone, took pictures of us, and the cleaning staff (that bit was just me) and I may or may not have pretended I was deaf, and even put on the ‘voice’. It was kinda hilarious, so don’t judge me, because I already know I’m horrid, but if you were there, you’d be going to hell too, because you would have laughed!

            The time had come for us to head back to the train station, and also time for another alter ego to come out. This time, I was Winston (after Churchill, you know), son of Napoleon, commander of the H.M.S. Victory in the war on the Spanish Armada, and very well spoken, racist, rich, upper class gentlemen, who only has one white slave “And that’s the wife! Chortle!”. This was also videoed, and if I may say so myself, it was hilarious. There’s something wrong with me, but I like it.

            Anyway, after about 1000 hours of laughter, mainly caused by Max, it was time to depart. Max was going the opposite way to us, so David, Keya and I got on the train together, and I doodled on pictures of people in the paper.

All in all, it’s been an exquisite day, and I’m pretty sure I couldn’t get better friends even if I tried.

Fish out of Water

Being the giant homosexual that I am, I decided to purchase a DVD called Fish out of Water, a documentary on homosexuality and the Bible. I’m not a Christian, I’ve never experienced any real discrimination from the Christian community for being gay, and I come from a largely secular part of the UK where, on the whole, people are less passionate about religion, unlike in America, where the documentary is filmed.           

The documentary is about a young woman’s abandonment by her Christian friends when she came out in college, and then her realisation that Christianity doesn’t condemn homosexuality. Ky Dickens, the creator of this film, interviewed over 100 people, including several church officials, all but two who accepted homosexuality (one was from the West Borough Baptist Church), including an AfterEllen.com writer, Trish Bendix. 

I can’t convey how much this film affected me. It’s made me revaluate my life, so to speak. I am a strong believer in equal rights for everyone, especially the homosexuals. I am so passionate about being gay and being involved in the community that I’ve literally become absorbed in my gay bubble, which protects me from all the condemnation, so I brush past the real homophobia out there because I’ve never had to deal with it. As far as being active in the fight for gay rights, I occasionally troll the anti-gay groups on Facebook, educate my friends on the topic and attend pride festivals. This DVD has made me really want to be so much more active in the LGBTQ community, at the risk of sounding like a clichéd douche; it’s been an inspirational eye opener for me. It really has. 

I don’t understand how people can have so much hate in their hearts and claim it to be Christianity. Personally, I’m agnostic, but I’ve studied religion at a relatively low level, but I’m not uneducated on the topic. The backbone of Christianity is love. ‘God is love’, 1 John 4:8. In pretty much any situation that can be applied, so why are these ‘Christians’ allowing their souls to be overcome with hatred for their fellow man?! It doesn’t make sense to me. 

The film disproves theories that fundamentalists have clutched onto for decades to coin homosexuality as a sin, when really, if you look into the verses, as the documentary shows, the verses, such as Leviticus, “A man shall not lie with another man as it is an abomination”, they’re out of context, outdated or are shown from another perspective to not speak about homosexuality at all! I can’t articulate what the pastors, philosophers and other specialist say as well as them, so I strongly urge you to watch the DVD. 

I’m not intending to offend anyone with my words. I respect people of faith; I really do, because I personally can’t commit myself to one religion and believe it to be the inerrant truth. Having said that though, I do not tolerate homophobia, or discrimination of any sort, and I think that Christians who condone this discrimination are fools, to be honest. 

I think one of the reasons that this affected me so much was because it showed the true extent of homophobia to me. You know when you’re forced to study World War 2 in History, and you look at the holocaust? Or when you’re studying slavery, or other forms of extreme discrimination? You study it, but you don’t really understand it because it’s easier to generalise it and overlook the true scale and horror that happened. 

I can’t urge you enough to watch this film. It’s just amazing. Another incredible film about homosexuality and Christianity would be Prayers for Bobby, which is based on the real story of a young man who commits suicide because his extremely Christian mother refuses to accept his sexuality. It takes a lot to make me cry, but that film made me cry hysterically. It’s definitely worth watching, and it can be easily watched online for free, or bought.

Fish out of Water website: http://fishoutofwaterfilm.com/

Fish out of Water trailer: http://fishoutofwaterfilm.com/trailer.html

Prayers for Bobby trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gU-1ho0c9Ik&feature=related

Paedophile Dave and the Racist Latvian.

It was Friday, and Keya had planned to go out clubbing with a 50 year old man called Dave (AKA Dave the Rapist, Paedophile Dave). Now, I don’t go out on Friday nights clubbing because I have work the next day, and when I don’t sleep, I get grouchy. I also have an inability to leave the clubs early and not get utterly wasted (money permitting). However, Keya invited me out. At first I declined, until I realised he was going with Paedophile Dave, meaning I had to go otherwise Keya might get his drink spiked and rape may occur!

            Side note; You may think I’m over reacting with the whole ‘drink spiking’ thing, but Dan, who also went out that night, went back to Dave’s one time, got offered coffee and after a few sips felt light headed, so ran away. Hence the name ‘Dave the Rapist’.

            Keya, David and I had a quick gym session (which was much quicker for Keya who gave up after an hour) then I showered, and got ready to go to Keya’s for predrinks, then town.

            Keya was already slightly drunk by the time we got on the bus and met Dan. We arrived in town and waited for Paedophile Dave. Whilst waiting, Keya informed me that Dave said he’d pay for Keya’s drinks that night. Being the jammy fucker I am, I decided that we should formulate a plan where I get free drinks too.

            At this point, Keya was rather drunk, as was Dan, and I was getting tipsy. Then along came Dave. We made up some story to him about how I don’t have a passport, and only have my student ID and whatnot, which claims I’m 19 and blah, blah, blah, so he said if anyone questions me, to pretend I’m his little sister. Ain’t gonna lie mate, but do you *honestly* think we could get away with that?! You’re about the same age as my dad!!

            We ventured into the gay bars, and Dave bought all three of us drinks. We were served by these two gigantic bears! (If you don’t know what a ‘bear’ is, look it up in the gay section.) Then we went to another one, which was actually busy. We got there, I bought Keya and me a drink, and then we went to the beer garden and socialised.

            Whilst we were here, I may have completely eavesdropped in on Dave talking to his butch lesbian friend. The part of the conversation that I overheard went a little something like this:

            “This is my new missus. Yeah, it’s going really well. I’ve got her name tattooed on me and everything!”

            After bearing witness to the epitome of the lesbian community, Dan suggested quickly going to another club to get stamps before midnight so the entry was half price. We told Dave we were going, and he said he’d meet us in there. Then Keya and I performed an exquisite routine of ‘Oh, do you have any money, Keya? Cause I don’t.’ when we clearly did. Dave the Rapist gave us £20 which Keya smoothly refused to accept, so I took it and promised Dave I’d give him the change.

            We ran over to the club, laughing at our profit, went into the club, bought drinks with Dave’s money, and got our rave on.

            I was substantially drunk and I saw this rather attractive girl sat by herself. I walked over to her and asked her to dance, well, forced her upon the dance floor, and offered to buy her a drink, which, thankfully for my pocket, she declined. I then informed her, and the gay guy she was with, that I was going for a cigarette, which Keya joined me for. Keya then asked the sexuality of the pair, in a slurring manner. Apparently, the girl was straight! That made me glad she declined my drink offer, but sad in my pants.

            Then, I started talking to this guy from Latvia, wearing a t-shirt that read ‘If I say I’m gay, will you let me touch your boobs.’ For some drunken reason, I said ‘YES!’, and then he started talking about how he preferred the gay scene because there were less ‘niggers’.

            So, I’m there like ‘What…?’ and he starts chatting on about how white people should stay in Europe, yellow people should stay in Asia and black people should stay in Africa eating bananas in trees (his words NOT mine). I started laughing because it was all so ridiculous! I genuinely was under the impression he was joking. Then Keya came out, and I can’t remember what was said but I remember Keya coming over, talking to us for a bit and then dragging me away because Keya thought he was being racist. I then explain to Keya that the Latvian guy was just joking… Then the Latvian said that he wasn’t joking. Keya kicked off.

            The next thing I can recall is Keya’s skinny 5’4” frame squared up to the 6ft, well built Latvian, with me beside Keya, fists clenched, ready to punch him in the head. Apparently, I had time to text Twitter informing them of this fight, whilst Keya was shouting in the Latvian’s face. Paedophile Dave came out just in time to drag Keya off the Latvian he kicked as I was telling him that he should “walk the fuck away”.

            We went back in the club, explain to the lovely bouncer, Sean, what had happened, and I told him about how he called black people monkeys, and the Latvian was banned. Drunken lary kids: 1. Racist Latvian: 0.

            Now, we’re back in the club and Keya’s getting hit on by this guy. I’m at the bar, ready to buy another drink. I look over to Keya who has obviously requested that in the courting process, this homo must buy him a drink. I watch this guy, just in case he tries to spike Keya’s drink or something, and he literally walks over to the bar, changes his mind, picks up this half full glass from the table, and gives it to Keya! Then, I caught Keya’s eyes, he looked back at me, one elbow on the table, resting his head against his hand to hold it up, eyes half shut, lifting the drink to his lips. I shook my head at him, and Keya put the drink down. I then walked over to him, and told him where the guy got the drink from. Then I picked it up and started to drink it. Yeah, I’m gross, get over it!

            We danced, we drank some more, we spent all of Paedophile Dave’s money on drinks because he never asked for change! I made out with a black girl. We danced the Bad Romance. Then, the club we were in was shutting. Keya and I decided that it would be best to head back home.

            We got outside the club, around 4 AM, and then we saw him again. The racist Latvian! I remember Keya shouting at him, me telling him to fuck off whilst following him down the street to make sure he went, then I turned around and Keya’s on the floor wrestling with some guy! Neither of us have a clue why, and I’m pretty sure we’ll never know.

            At half four, we finally got on the bus to go home. I was being chatted up by a 37 year old called Nick, who was actually lovely, despite being creepy. Keya then threw up before we got into the taxi, which I filmed, of course! Then we got back to his house, I decided to ride my moped the 3 minute journey back to mine standing up! Then I got back, at 5 AM, went to sleep, then woke up at 9 AM to get ready for work.

            I spent £50 in total that night. I felt like shit for work. We got into a fight. It was amazing though. And Keya didn’t even get raped!