Paedophile Dave and the Racist Latvian.

It was Friday, and Keya had planned to go out clubbing with a 50 year old man called Dave (AKA Dave the Rapist, Paedophile Dave). Now, I don’t go out on Friday nights clubbing because I have work the next day, and when I don’t sleep, I get grouchy. I also have an inability to leave the clubs early and not get utterly wasted (money permitting). However, Keya invited me out. At first I declined, until I realised he was going with Paedophile Dave, meaning I had to go otherwise Keya might get his drink spiked and rape may occur!

            Side note; You may think I’m over reacting with the whole ‘drink spiking’ thing, but Dan, who also went out that night, went back to Dave’s one time, got offered coffee and after a few sips felt light headed, so ran away. Hence the name ‘Dave the Rapist’.

            Keya, David and I had a quick gym session (which was much quicker for Keya who gave up after an hour) then I showered, and got ready to go to Keya’s for predrinks, then town.

            Keya was already slightly drunk by the time we got on the bus and met Dan. We arrived in town and waited for Paedophile Dave. Whilst waiting, Keya informed me that Dave said he’d pay for Keya’s drinks that night. Being the jammy fucker I am, I decided that we should formulate a plan where I get free drinks too.

            At this point, Keya was rather drunk, as was Dan, and I was getting tipsy. Then along came Dave. We made up some story to him about how I don’t have a passport, and only have my student ID and whatnot, which claims I’m 19 and blah, blah, blah, so he said if anyone questions me, to pretend I’m his little sister. Ain’t gonna lie mate, but do you *honestly* think we could get away with that?! You’re about the same age as my dad!!

            We ventured into the gay bars, and Dave bought all three of us drinks. We were served by these two gigantic bears! (If you don’t know what a ‘bear’ is, look it up in the gay section.) Then we went to another one, which was actually busy. We got there, I bought Keya and me a drink, and then we went to the beer garden and socialised.

            Whilst we were here, I may have completely eavesdropped in on Dave talking to his butch lesbian friend. The part of the conversation that I overheard went a little something like this:

            “This is my new missus. Yeah, it’s going really well. I’ve got her name tattooed on me and everything!”

            After bearing witness to the epitome of the lesbian community, Dan suggested quickly going to another club to get stamps before midnight so the entry was half price. We told Dave we were going, and he said he’d meet us in there. Then Keya and I performed an exquisite routine of ‘Oh, do you have any money, Keya? Cause I don’t.’ when we clearly did. Dave the Rapist gave us £20 which Keya smoothly refused to accept, so I took it and promised Dave I’d give him the change.

            We ran over to the club, laughing at our profit, went into the club, bought drinks with Dave’s money, and got our rave on.

            I was substantially drunk and I saw this rather attractive girl sat by herself. I walked over to her and asked her to dance, well, forced her upon the dance floor, and offered to buy her a drink, which, thankfully for my pocket, she declined. I then informed her, and the gay guy she was with, that I was going for a cigarette, which Keya joined me for. Keya then asked the sexuality of the pair, in a slurring manner. Apparently, the girl was straight! That made me glad she declined my drink offer, but sad in my pants.

            Then, I started talking to this guy from Latvia, wearing a t-shirt that read ‘If I say I’m gay, will you let me touch your boobs.’ For some drunken reason, I said ‘YES!’, and then he started talking about how he preferred the gay scene because there were less ‘niggers’.

            So, I’m there like ‘What…?’ and he starts chatting on about how white people should stay in Europe, yellow people should stay in Asia and black people should stay in Africa eating bananas in trees (his words NOT mine). I started laughing because it was all so ridiculous! I genuinely was under the impression he was joking. Then Keya came out, and I can’t remember what was said but I remember Keya coming over, talking to us for a bit and then dragging me away because Keya thought he was being racist. I then explain to Keya that the Latvian guy was just joking… Then the Latvian said that he wasn’t joking. Keya kicked off.

            The next thing I can recall is Keya’s skinny 5’4” frame squared up to the 6ft, well built Latvian, with me beside Keya, fists clenched, ready to punch him in the head. Apparently, I had time to text Twitter informing them of this fight, whilst Keya was shouting in the Latvian’s face. Paedophile Dave came out just in time to drag Keya off the Latvian he kicked as I was telling him that he should “walk the fuck away”.

            We went back in the club, explain to the lovely bouncer, Sean, what had happened, and I told him about how he called black people monkeys, and the Latvian was banned. Drunken lary kids: 1. Racist Latvian: 0.

            Now, we’re back in the club and Keya’s getting hit on by this guy. I’m at the bar, ready to buy another drink. I look over to Keya who has obviously requested that in the courting process, this homo must buy him a drink. I watch this guy, just in case he tries to spike Keya’s drink or something, and he literally walks over to the bar, changes his mind, picks up this half full glass from the table, and gives it to Keya! Then, I caught Keya’s eyes, he looked back at me, one elbow on the table, resting his head against his hand to hold it up, eyes half shut, lifting the drink to his lips. I shook my head at him, and Keya put the drink down. I then walked over to him, and told him where the guy got the drink from. Then I picked it up and started to drink it. Yeah, I’m gross, get over it!

            We danced, we drank some more, we spent all of Paedophile Dave’s money on drinks because he never asked for change! I made out with a black girl. We danced the Bad Romance. Then, the club we were in was shutting. Keya and I decided that it would be best to head back home.

            We got outside the club, around 4 AM, and then we saw him again. The racist Latvian! I remember Keya shouting at him, me telling him to fuck off whilst following him down the street to make sure he went, then I turned around and Keya’s on the floor wrestling with some guy! Neither of us have a clue why, and I’m pretty sure we’ll never know.

            At half four, we finally got on the bus to go home. I was being chatted up by a 37 year old called Nick, who was actually lovely, despite being creepy. Keya then threw up before we got into the taxi, which I filmed, of course! Then we got back to his house, I decided to ride my moped the 3 minute journey back to mine standing up! Then I got back, at 5 AM, went to sleep, then woke up at 9 AM to get ready for work.

            I spent £50 in total that night. I felt like shit for work. We got into a fight. It was amazing though. And Keya didn’t even get raped!

Praise the Lord for Geek Night!

Wednesday night was one of the best nights of my life. Thursday morning was one of the worst hangovers of my life. David’s 18th was certainly a good one.
As I’m sure you could tell, it was David’s birthday, so we went out for it. I met at Keya’s sister’s house where Louisa, Brodie and Keya all already were. A slight bout of pre drinking then ensued before Eloise came to pick us up.
Before I carry on, I must let you know that David’s birthday was a themed one, and the theme was ‘Geeks’. Louisa looked like a slutty school girl was glasses. Brodie looked like a six year old prostitute. Keya looked like he was going to work. (I’m ripping their costumed to shreds to hype mine up more), and my costume was by far the best. I went all out! I had black jeans and a white shirt on; tucked in, of course! Under that, I had a Transformers top, Space Invaders boxers and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle socks. My father lent me his oversized tie with cartoon sheep making love on! I had a blazer, which had been cut into a waistcoat, I had parted my hair into curtains and I’d even found my old retainer and wore that. Put it this way, I looked hideous!
We rolled up at the pub in Eloise’s car and went inside to greet everyone. David was sat in the middle, and we gave him his oversized ‘To my Husband’ card, balloon and massive ‘18’ badges (by we I mean, Keya and Lou bought this, I took some of the credit). Keya then let David know that for his present, we’re giving him the ticket to go and see Lady GaGa again with Keya! In my books, that makes us pretty damn good friends, no?
Keya, Lou and Brodie ordered chips from the pub as they were hungry, and I went to the toilet. I came back to find out that Keya and Lou were getting kicked out because they didn’t have any I.D. Apparently, you’re not allowed to be in a pub after 9 if you’re under 18. So, with that, the majority of us stood outside in the smoking shelter and grumbled about the age limit, since, a fair few of us were underage! Brodie brought Keya and Lou’s chips out to them, and as soon as they started eating them, a member of staff appeared and told them that they had to ‘leave the premises’. They told him that they wanted to eat their chips. He wouldn’t let them. He wouldn’t let them take the plate either! He then threatened to call the police to which Lou replied ‘Oh, it’s okay. They’ll take about 20 minutes to get here, anyway, and we would have finished our chips.’. However, they ended up grabbing handfuls of burning hot chips, and walking out the pub complaining about the heat against their delicate skin. Wimps.
Regardless, Eloise drove us back to Keya’s sister’s house to pick up Lou’s I.D that she forgot, then to McDonald’s drive thru, then back to the pub to pick other people up before driving us to town. She did a lot of driving that night, dropping people off and picking people up, so, thank you very much. It was really, really helpful, especially since it was pissing it down!!
Then we got to the gay end of town; Anna, David, Louisa, Keya and I. We went into the club and started drinking. For some reason, I drunk a lot more than normal, downing shots of Sambuca and vodka lemonades. We drank, we danced, we make fools of ourselves. Then, Bad Romance came on. Keya and I are amazing at the dance, so, what did we do? Stood up on the dance floor and did the dance to Bad Romance. It was amazing! It was actually really cool. We then drunk some more.
At one point, we resided outside the club, probably smoking, and met some really cool people. We then sat on a wall opposite the club where Anna didn’t feel to good, so David told us they were gonna go home and a drunken Louisa and I put on our best Southern American accents (think True Blood) and started shouting about how “The homosexuals! And the blacks! Are going to hell!”. We also shouted “Praise the Lord!” a large amount too…
After getting over the ‘hallelujahs’, my memory is slightly hazy. Apparently, Keya tried to pick Lou up, but in his drunken state, he fell back and hit his head, knocking him out for five minutes. Lou said there were people coming up to her asking if he was okay, which she just brushed off claiming he was fine! This may have been the point where I texted Twitter saying “Fuck. I lost friends.” The next thing I remember, apart from a lot of erratic dancing and more drinks was Keya, for some reason, flicking his drink at Lou, who retaliated, and it all got a bit out of hand and soon, we were picking up random drinks and throwing them in each others faces!! I got it in my eye and the bubbles burned, so I ran into the toilet to rinse my face, and was shortly followed by Keya and Louisa. We ran the taps, filled up our cup and pursued to soak each other for the sole reason of amusement! We realised that we should probably leave before we got barred, so we ran out of the club, towards the taxi rank, giggling like schoolgirls. We got in the taxi, I sat in the front and maybe talked to the driver as I was most comprehendible out of all us three. We got back to Keya’s sister’s house and crashed out. This was between 3 and 4 AM.
We awoke sometime later morning and we all felt so crappy. I felt like I was going to vomit and my head was on the verge of exploding. My hair was ridiculous! It was all stuck up and half parted from my curtains! We just sat down in almost silence for a long time before realising we should probably go home. I got home, ate basically the whole house, and then went to sleep for 5 hours and woke up feeling a lot better, but still slightly sick. It’s taken me two days to not gag at the thought of alcohol, but would I do it all again? Hell yeah! That was a night to go down in history.