London, Louisa and lots of alcohol

Louisa is one of my best friends; unfortunately, she decided it’d be a good idea to go to university. Yeah, okay, she’ll get an education, but she’s SO much further away now! So, Keya and I decided that it’d be a really good idea to go to London and visit her. And it was.

                We left on Friday, after we’d both finished work, got some beers and got on the train. We sat down at a table, only for some really posh, pompous, stuck up woman and her husband to join us. She actually ended up being alright and joined in on our game on 20 Questions  (probably not voluntarily though, more because Keya was essentially forcing her to join in).  

                After 2 hours and 40 minutes, we finally arrived in London Waterloo, and navigated our way round to the correct station to get on yet another train that’d take us to the station where Louisa and her new best friend, Dermite, would be meeting us.

                This would be the first time that Keya and I would be meeting Dermite. He’s Irish and likes Regina Spektor almost as much as I do (okay, not almost, but he likes her a lot), which instantly made me like him. This illusion was not spoiled when I actually met him.

                Regardless, we got to the station, and as soon as Louisa saw us, she screamed and ran towards us. Keya jumped on Louisa and they ended up on the floor, one on top of the other, almost hysterically crying, and Dermite (or Malarky O’Leary, as I so kindly renamed him) and I greeted each other like adults. We were all super excited for seeing each other.

                We got on a bus and went to Louisa’s flat. On the way, we bumped into a few of her friends, who would then end up joining us for pre-drinks in Louisa’s room. We got into her room, dumped our stuff and carried on drinking and getting ready for going to the student bar. Keya, promptly threatened Louisa’s flatmate for “making her cry”, and after that, we set off to go.

                We got in, got our drinks and went outside for a cigarette. Dermite, got almost immediately pounced at by some young ragamuffin, who looked like a junkie slut, and she was all ‘in his face’ about this douchebag Josh. What was the exact problem, I’m not really sure, because I spent most of the time turning his friends against him rather than listening to what they were saying. I do, however, remember a girl asking Dermite if he was okay, and whether or not he liked her dress. He said it was lovely, and when she went he muttered “she’s a tramp” to me. We promptly renamed her ‘Trampy Jade’ and avoided her like the plague.

                We got MORE drinks in, and were already pretty drunk. Bad Romance came on, so Keya and I danced, but it was on for literally about 30 seconds! We were OUTRAGED! I wanted to get my GaGa on! My thoughts of disappointment were soon dissolved by stroking this girls coat because it, in my drunken state, ‘felt like a bear’.

                We ended up back outside, and, as Keya and Dermite were kissing each other, I decided to talk to some guys that were stood by. I asked what they were doing at uni, and they said they were doing engineering. They then asked what I was doing, and, instead of telling the truth, I said that I was doing “a degree in Psychology” and made up some bullshit reason as to why I was doing it.

                Trampy Jade and I kissed, Trampy  Jade, Keya and Dermite had a three-way kiss and we all left substantially drunk. Louisa, at this point, was back in her flat after canoodling with Colin.

                We went to sleep, but then a short while later I awoke to the most horrible, repetitive shrieking noise! I attempted to block it out with my pillow over my head, but the fire alarm was far too loud to even attempt to be ignored. We wandered outside like zombies along with the rest of the people from the nearby flats. Louisa, with her duvet, curled up into a ball on the floor. Keya joined her. In MY sleeping bag! Now, if the fact that he was rubbing my sleeping bag against the ground, he was also completely NAKED. Gross, right? We trundled back to sleep after the alarm of death finally was silenced.

                In the morning, after we were all ready, we decided to go into central London. After a delightful breakfast at McDonald’s we went to somewhere in London, where there was a ‘Big African Weekender’. As we were glancing around, we noticed lots of posters and people gathered round looking at some sort of protest. John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’ was playing, and Keya and I put our arms around each other and sang. We realised that it was about the injustice of the Iranian governments views on homosexuality, and how people get hanged, stoned to death and ostracised, simply for being something they cannot control. Whilst looking at signs saying “her only crime was love” next to pictures of people being publically executed, I felt myself get to the point where it took a lot for me to draw back my tears. I’ve never been so moved by anything so quickly in my life.

                We carried on traipsing round London, went through Chinatown,  were there were lots of delightful whole cooked ducks hanging in the windows, then made our way to Soho. On our attempt to find G.A.Y, we passed a ‘Peep Show’ for £2. We were all plucking up the courage to go in, but then the woman in the next place wanted us in her whorehouse to see a live show, have drinks and stuff for ‘only’ £20. In all fairness, she said entrance alone was usually £50, but we’re poor! Two students, an unemployed bum and Keya, who spends the majority of his money of alcohol! We said we’d “think about it” and went off to G.A.Y. There was an immediate transition between London, and the gay part of London. There were SO many bears outside all the cafés, drinking coffee and Louisa and I definitely saw Brüno.

                We went to G.A.Y, had a drink and then went back to Louisa’s, after stopping off to get more alcohol and some food. Apparently, I’m not as young as I used to be because I couldn’t even get through half a can of beer that evening as I was still hungover, sleep deprived and feeling sick. Keya and I, unfortunately, had to leave, and it sucked. We then went to get our train, and for some stupid reason, I got a coffee to drink on the train and didn’t sleep at all, unlike Keya, who looked like a homeless guy with his chavvy hoodie on. I went home, showered and slept until I had work, then I slept lots after work.

                It was an amazing trip, and I miss Louisa so much. I’m really glad she’s made such an amazing friend (Dermite), and that she’s having such a good time. I just have no idea how she has the stamina to drink every night AND attend lectures!

Possibly the best Friday in my entire existence

Okay, so today has literally been one of the best days of my life. I’m not even kidding. I know you won’t care, but I want to relive the best day, like, ever!

            Okay, so I woke up at 7 am, and didn’t miss the train to college! Then I went to Drama, which was actually alright, considering it was just a boring written lesson. After Drama, I usually have 4 hours of free periods, which I spend in the library procrastinating as much as possible, watching Family Guy and playing Grand Theft Auto. Today, however, Georgie, Emily and I all went to Becky’s, which is like a 10 minute walk, yet, we drove there. Regardless, we made a cup of tea, talked about my epic birthday that’s coming up and talked about masturbation. Then Becky asked if I would masturbate in front of her. I declined. Then, we talked about porn and found it appropriate to watch the sickest porn we could find, because we’re strange like that and find it hilarious! We kinda popped Emily’s weird porn virginity with viral videos such as 2Guys1Stump, 1Man1Jar and Putrid Sex Object. It was great!

            We put the laptop away after not being able to find 2Girls1Cup and 1Man1Screwdriver, then Georgie decided to show us her special talent! Queefing! It was the weirdest thing watching her do a shoulder stand whilst spreading her legs at all sorts of different angles with Becky stating that she could ‘hear it breathe’.

            Then we chatted, laughed, watched Georgie attempt to roll (which ended atrociously!) and left to go back to college, where I met up with Louisa and Keya, and we spent about half an hour with each other before our lessons began again.

            It was time for English, so I trudged along, not looking forward to an hour with The Witch only to find out our lesson had been cancelled! So, back I went to the library, completed the essay plan for my next lesson and played Grand Theft Auto. Awesome.

            It was time for Media with Keya, Chris, Emily, Tom, Hope and Ben, who are all amazingly hilarious. Also, we had Graham, our crazy ginger, wannabe hip-hop artist teacher. Surprisingly enough, we didn’t really do much work.

            After the lesson ended, I got a phone call from David, asking me if I wanted to go up to Southampton to join him as he was there by himself getting his MacBook fixed. At first, I declined ‘cause I really couldn’t be bothered. Then I roped Keya into coming, and we got the train, with Max and Tom (from Media).

            On the train, Max was being a homosexual bastard. I was trying to snuggle him, like a normal couple do, and he was completely rejecting me!! So, we had a small domestic where I moaned at him for trying to act ‘manly’ in front of his friends, and not showing me affection. Then, I brought up how he cheated on me at his brothers wedding. He claimed that was because he saw me and his brother in a room together, which he jumped to extreme conclusions about because his brother was telling me not to break up with Max! Max then (at the wedding) kissed a girl in front of me because he ‘thought I was cheating on him’, and then punched his brother in his face!! I had to break up with Max then and there because I just couldn’t take it anymore. I decided to make Max jealous by flirting with Keya. It totally worked.

            Whilst all this was going on, there was a really rather attractive woman sat opposite us on the row behind, and she kept looking at us. I decided it would be appropriate to pull really strange, hideous faces at her. Unfortunately, I think she saw one… LOL!

            Time jump! We’re now at Southampton, Max, Keya and I, and we’re going to meet David. David had finished getting his MacBook fixed by the potentially gay guy in the shop who gave David a £100 battery for free, so we went for dinner at Nando’s.

            After waiting forever to actually get seated, we finally did. I decided, being the lovely, wonderful person that I am, that I’d buy the boys their dinner. After a nice political debate about the new government, we were ready to order. Up Max, David and I went to the till, ready to place our orders, and luckily, there wasn’t a large queue. Unfortunately, there was a Chinese lady in front who didn’t quite understand her receipt. After literally about 10 minutes and the staff member going through it at least seven times, she seemed content, so finally left! We ordered our food, and sat down to wait.

            Whilst we were eating, for some really strange reason, Keya started talking about how much we hated our husbands (David and Max). Keya was bitching about how David didn’t like the dinner he cooked, so he ate his baby, and I was bitching about how on Valentines Day, Max chased me around the house with an axe. It was literally hilarious, and it’s been videoed, so there’ll no doubt be a link on here post-production, and/or on my Twitter (@Dykadellic) and Facebook.

            David needed to get some new work shoes, so we looked in Schuh, a shoe shop, surprisingly, where the staff were so rude! Max and I were clearly having a conversation with each other, and this woman interrupts us mid-laugh, to ask us if we ‘need any help’. Erm, excuse me, but one, we’re not even buying anything, and two, you totally just butted in! I’m joking, we’re not that obnoxious.

            Then, after an unsuccessful browse in there, we went to Sports Direct, which is basically a maze of sports clothes, shoes, equipment and other accessories. Max and I got bored, and I was pointing at all the really attractive shoes telling Max he looked like them. Then we, mainly I, got hyper, and pretended the shop was a jungle, started making orgasm noises near people, then hiding and trying on hats.

            We went to McDonald’s to get a McFlurry, because I’m obese and need a constant supply of food. There, we sat, almost alone, took pictures of us, and the cleaning staff (that bit was just me) and I may or may not have pretended I was deaf, and even put on the ‘voice’. It was kinda hilarious, so don’t judge me, because I already know I’m horrid, but if you were there, you’d be going to hell too, because you would have laughed!

            The time had come for us to head back to the train station, and also time for another alter ego to come out. This time, I was Winston (after Churchill, you know), son of Napoleon, commander of the H.M.S. Victory in the war on the Spanish Armada, and very well spoken, racist, rich, upper class gentlemen, who only has one white slave “And that’s the wife! Chortle!”. This was also videoed, and if I may say so myself, it was hilarious. There’s something wrong with me, but I like it.

            Anyway, after about 1000 hours of laughter, mainly caused by Max, it was time to depart. Max was going the opposite way to us, so David, Keya and I got on the train together, and I doodled on pictures of people in the paper.

All in all, it’s been an exquisite day, and I’m pretty sure I couldn’t get better friends even if I tried.

Princess Keya and Dykadellic!

This is a story dedicated to Keya, my very camp best friend who I regularly blog about for his 18th birthday. Happy birthday, Keya. I love you.

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful girl called Keya. Keya lived in a majestic house in the picturesque village of Broadstonia. Keya lived with her loving parents, and her three gorgeous sisters. Keya was the most beautiful, kind, loving and talented of all her siblings, and that is why everyone she met adored her. Keya had long, shiny, jet black locks, which shimmered in the sunlight, and flowed down to her tiny waist.

There was only one problem in Keya’s life, and that was how Broadstonia was plagued with vicious, antisocial beasts called chavs. As soon as she stepped out of her house, she was mugged, beaten and tormented by the brutal beings. Keya felt that she had only one option; to join them. With tears in her eyes, she drew the clippers to her head and shaved off all her hair. She wept as clumps of her perfect hair fell to the floor. Hands shaking, she lifted up a mirror to admire her grade one haircut. She felt so ashamed of herself that she crumpled into a ball in the corner of her pink, princess-clad room, and cried hysterically. She raised her head and stared at the poster in front of her. It was a picture of the Disney Princesses with the slogan ‘Dreams Come True’. She said that inspirational quote over and over again in her head, and with a determined look upon her face, she promised herself that one day she would be a princess.

Keya stayed in Broadstonia for many, many years, but longed to escape. One day, she met a girl called Tash, who was soon to become a close friend. Keya and Tash had many adventures together and would constantly squat in their den playing with farts, fans and whiteboards. Keya was never happier than when he was playing with Tash, but unfortunately, the bonds of their friendship were broken as Keya was grasped by the hands of poor education, leaving Tash all by herself receiving a better one.

The years went by, and Keya mourned over the loss of her dear friend Tash, and she longed to be with her everyday. Luckily, she met a boy called Thomas Turnblad, and they soon became the best of chums. They did everything together. They were a most mischievous pair, constantly getting into trouble. One time, they almost burned down a whole island!

Keya, still with her shaved head, decided that it was time to move on and leave the small town on Broadstonia in order to explore the world and attempt to be reunited with Tash. She was granted a place in the educational establishment of Broken-Hearse. As soon as she left Broadstonia, she felt like she was a different person. Her sense of style changed from shabby builder, to glamour queen. She even felt it was time to grow back her long, beautiful locks.

Her first day at Broken-Hearse was the best day of her life. She found herself bundled into a Media class with the commoners, many of whom would be instantly forgotten. She took a seat near the front, and as she turned to her side, she saw a boy who she thought she recognised. “Hi, I’m Keya.” She said, to the stunningly handsome lad. “Hey, how’s it going? I’m Tash.” Replied a voice accompanied by a winning smile. It was Tash, Keya’s old friend! Keya leapt up in joy and hugged the very stunned Tash. “I thought I’d never see you again!” Keya wept.

The two instantly connected again, and after several orquard train journeys back, they were soon onto speaking endlessly about shiek topics such as hurpies and homosexuality. They fell back in love, and were rarely parted. They showed their affection by constantly groping each other, making out and pretending to be cats underneath the table in Media.

One day, as Keya and Tash were together, they befriended an odd couple; Dangerous Dave and FagHag. Dangerous Dave, or DD for short, was a raving homosexual, just like Keya and Tash, and they all immediately got on from the word go. FagHag was a lover of gays, and mixed with their homosexuality, they all got on like a hooker gets on men.

The foursome had many fun times together. They went out together, to places like the Buck of Stars, and The Triangle. They were the most popular people about and everyone wanted to be them. They were so well loved that many people got jealous and gave them massive evils when they shouted about things such as food porn, toxic shock syndrome and Maddie McCann.

Tash, Dangerous Dave and FagHag all got caught in a huge storm one day. As the rain soaked their skin and the wind smarted their faces, Tash had some thinking time. She realised that is was her destiny to become the worlds best lesbian blogger and renamed herself ‘Dykadellic’.

Dykadellic, formerly Tash, got into a fight with a huge sea beast known as The Walrus. The Walrus used her thunderous thighs to asphyxiate Dykadellic, and forced her phalanges into the forest of no return. Keya, being the brave young girl she is, wrestled with The Walrus, despite the stench coming from its skin being unbearable.

After Keya saved Dykadellic’s life, a fairy godmother came down in the form of BroBear, a wondrous being, and granted Keya one wish. Keya wished to be a princess for the rest of her days. Her wish was granted and Princess Keya was the ruler of all Broadstonia. She banished the chavs who had plagued her life for so long to the benches near Tesco, and made Dykadellic her king, and Dyakdellic changed her name again to Ewan Moore. Dangerous Dave, FagHag and BroBear all lived at Princess Keya’s castle and they all lived happily ever after.

Who needs Santa when you've got best friends?

I have had the best two nights of my life and my faith in Christmas has been restored.

As I told you, I was having a Christmas with my friends, so, I did, and it was amazing. The presents we got and gave were amazing, the atmosphere was amazing, and the company was beyond amazing. Quick note before you start; Keya, the camp one who’s house we stayed at. David, also gay and brilliantly weird. Louisa, loud, straight and a lot of fun. Brodie, the best friend of many, many years. Here’s how it went:

Tuesday, David and I went to town, I got my hair cut, we did some irrelevant, unexciting stuff, went back to his, where his mother gave me several items from around the house she didn’t want which I could give to my little sister as Christmas presents (it’s the thought that counts, right?), and then went to Keya’s. Also, while David and I were in town, we walked round the back of the bus station, and found a shoe box with a pair of worn, old, black canvas shoes, from Primark (so, they would have cost £2, new). David and I being, well, David and I, decided it would be a good idea to take them, as they were clearly not wanted, wrap them up and give them to Keya as a Christmas present. We also found a discarded Dora the Explorer badge on our travels, which we deemed perfect for Louisa. We then later wrapped up the badge and placed it in the biggest box we could find, for the soul reason of confusing her.

David and I arrived at Keya’s house, and we then walked to the shops near his house, to meet Brodie and stock up on food for that evening and the next day. All together we bought 8 boxes of chips, 3 mini pizzas, Alphabetti, a box of Celebrations, a box of Cadbury’s Heroes, 2 big bags of Sensations, 2 tubs of Ben & Jerry’s, 4 pain au chocolats, and probably more, coming to a total of just over £22. Oops! We got back to Keya’s, cooked our dinner, and ate it, whilst waiting for Lou.

Louisa arrived and the present opening began. Everything was amazing; I don’t think any of us got bad presents. I made Brodie a t-shirt, that had the gay pride flag in the background, a picture of us in the corner in a heart and it said ‘I’m not a lesbian but my best friend is’. Keya got heels that said ‘Queen’ inside, a maids outfit, big pink sunglasses, long black gloves and a Cruella de Vil style cigarette holder, which he wore all together, along with his ‘GaGa wig’ and wrapping paper as boobs. If you live in the UK and not under a rock, you’ll know about Rage Against the Machine vs. X Factor for Christmas number 1. Keya is strongly on team X Factor, so Lou got him a CD, with Joe McElderry’s single cover on the front, but burnt onto the CD was RATM. His face was hilarious! He also got a serious CD, which was Glee: Volume 1. Louisa, who is terrified of sheep, got a blow up sex sheep, curtsy of David, and I got her a sheep necklace. David also got Keya and Lou porn DVDs each, one called, Toy Stories, and the other, Headmaster 2. David was given a space hopper and a slinky, much to his delight, and among other things, fake nipples, as its well know that David has erectile dysfunction in his nipples. Louisa and I were given mugs where the picture on the front changes as hot water is added. Louisa got two lesbians, one on top of the other, and their clothes disappear when hot water is added, revealing everything, and I got a girl in a bikini, where the same thing happens as hot water is added. I also was given a turkey baster and a pregnancy test, naked women on my wrapping paper, a book (obviously for ironies sake) called ‘How to Pull Girls’, three lesbian DVDs and Xena: Warrior Princess for Playstation 2.

We then started drinking, laughing, generally being merry and listening to Christmas songs. Brodie needed to be home, so we walked her, since she only lives 5 minutes away from Keya’s, whist freezing and sliding on the ice as we went.

We got back, and ended up going to sleep at about 3, with a very drunk Louisa and Keya sleeping on the double airbed on the floor, and a relatively sober David and I sleeping on a sofa each. I awoke at 12 and the others woke up at half past. We had a pain au chocolat each, and half a tub of Ben & Jerry’s, along with the sweets and chocolate we received as presents, whilst watching Glee, all day, until about 7 when David and Lou got picked up. It was very chilled, and really lovely. We also looked at the many pictures that had been taken the previous evening, which was hilarious.

I can’t quite describe how amazing the two days I had was. I just know that I am extremely grateful for having such amazing, amazing friends, who I love very much. It wasn’t the presents, the food, the lights, decorations, music, drink, etc that made this Christmas special. It was spending it with the people I love, and having an amazing time with them. That’s what Christmas is about.