Princess Keya and Dykadellic!

This is a story dedicated to Keya, my very camp best friend who I regularly blog about for his 18th birthday. Happy birthday, Keya. I love you.

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful girl called Keya. Keya lived in a majestic house in the picturesque village of Broadstonia. Keya lived with her loving parents, and her three gorgeous sisters. Keya was the most beautiful, kind, loving and talented of all her siblings, and that is why everyone she met adored her. Keya had long, shiny, jet black locks, which shimmered in the sunlight, and flowed down to her tiny waist.

There was only one problem in Keya’s life, and that was how Broadstonia was plagued with vicious, antisocial beasts called chavs. As soon as she stepped out of her house, she was mugged, beaten and tormented by the brutal beings. Keya felt that she had only one option; to join them. With tears in her eyes, she drew the clippers to her head and shaved off all her hair. She wept as clumps of her perfect hair fell to the floor. Hands shaking, she lifted up a mirror to admire her grade one haircut. She felt so ashamed of herself that she crumpled into a ball in the corner of her pink, princess-clad room, and cried hysterically. She raised her head and stared at the poster in front of her. It was a picture of the Disney Princesses with the slogan ‘Dreams Come True’. She said that inspirational quote over and over again in her head, and with a determined look upon her face, she promised herself that one day she would be a princess.

Keya stayed in Broadstonia for many, many years, but longed to escape. One day, she met a girl called Tash, who was soon to become a close friend. Keya and Tash had many adventures together and would constantly squat in their den playing with farts, fans and whiteboards. Keya was never happier than when he was playing with Tash, but unfortunately, the bonds of their friendship were broken as Keya was grasped by the hands of poor education, leaving Tash all by herself receiving a better one.

The years went by, and Keya mourned over the loss of her dear friend Tash, and she longed to be with her everyday. Luckily, she met a boy called Thomas Turnblad, and they soon became the best of chums. They did everything together. They were a most mischievous pair, constantly getting into trouble. One time, they almost burned down a whole island!

Keya, still with her shaved head, decided that it was time to move on and leave the small town on Broadstonia in order to explore the world and attempt to be reunited with Tash. She was granted a place in the educational establishment of Broken-Hearse. As soon as she left Broadstonia, she felt like she was a different person. Her sense of style changed from shabby builder, to glamour queen. She even felt it was time to grow back her long, beautiful locks.

Her first day at Broken-Hearse was the best day of her life. She found herself bundled into a Media class with the commoners, many of whom would be instantly forgotten. She took a seat near the front, and as she turned to her side, she saw a boy who she thought she recognised. “Hi, I’m Keya.” She said, to the stunningly handsome lad. “Hey, how’s it going? I’m Tash.” Replied a voice accompanied by a winning smile. It was Tash, Keya’s old friend! Keya leapt up in joy and hugged the very stunned Tash. “I thought I’d never see you again!” Keya wept.

The two instantly connected again, and after several orquard train journeys back, they were soon onto speaking endlessly about shiek topics such as hurpies and homosexuality. They fell back in love, and were rarely parted. They showed their affection by constantly groping each other, making out and pretending to be cats underneath the table in Media.

One day, as Keya and Tash were together, they befriended an odd couple; Dangerous Dave and FagHag. Dangerous Dave, or DD for short, was a raving homosexual, just like Keya and Tash, and they all immediately got on from the word go. FagHag was a lover of gays, and mixed with their homosexuality, they all got on like a hooker gets on men.

The foursome had many fun times together. They went out together, to places like the Buck of Stars, and The Triangle. They were the most popular people about and everyone wanted to be them. They were so well loved that many people got jealous and gave them massive evils when they shouted about things such as food porn, toxic shock syndrome and Maddie McCann.

Tash, Dangerous Dave and FagHag all got caught in a huge storm one day. As the rain soaked their skin and the wind smarted their faces, Tash had some thinking time. She realised that is was her destiny to become the worlds best lesbian blogger and renamed herself ‘Dykadellic’.

Dykadellic, formerly Tash, got into a fight with a huge sea beast known as The Walrus. The Walrus used her thunderous thighs to asphyxiate Dykadellic, and forced her phalanges into the forest of no return. Keya, being the brave young girl she is, wrestled with The Walrus, despite the stench coming from its skin being unbearable.

After Keya saved Dykadellic’s life, a fairy godmother came down in the form of BroBear, a wondrous being, and granted Keya one wish. Keya wished to be a princess for the rest of her days. Her wish was granted and Princess Keya was the ruler of all Broadstonia. She banished the chavs who had plagued her life for so long to the benches near Tesco, and made Dykadellic her king, and Dyakdellic changed her name again to Ewan Moore. Dangerous Dave, FagHag and BroBear all lived at Princess Keya’s castle and they all lived happily ever after.

Epic life FAIL.

I remember a time when I’d post a blog pretty much once a week because I actually had exciting things going on in my life. I remember a time when I wasn’t drowning in a sea of coursework, using only the raft of procrastination as a float, which, to be honest, doesn’t get me anywhere, or keep me afloat very well. I remember a time when I wasn’t staying in to do coursework for subjects that I’m failing because I haven’t done the coursework, but then end up lying in bed watching Buffy instead!
Okay, that last part was a lie. I’ve always been a professional procrastinator. But still, seriously, at the moment, my life sucks!! I’m not going out because everyone has work to do, and that includes me. I’ve skived like 4 days off college in the past few weeks, which, for someone who attends every lesson unless there is a good reason, is really bad! I’ve also done several all nighters. Why? Because I needed to do my coursework. What did I do instead? Watch stuff online and molest Twitter. I could be using the time I’m wasting now to do something relatively productive, but no, I’m going to sit here and whinge about what I should be doing whilst refreshing Facebook every five minutes!
Exams start in three weeks apparently. I need to finish my coursework to a good standard and then learn, not revise, learn all the things I need to know for my exams! Another thing, to get into the university I want to go to, I need to get BBC. Now, all of this is totally not out of my reach. I don’t even really need to push myself to get that. I’m naturally smart, and good with exams. I just lack severely in motivation! Nothing appeals to me! I don’t want to write an article on how you have to talk like a man to get a good job! I don’t want to create a website analysing the opening credits of Buffy! I don’t want to think about how to direct a play! I just really, really can’t be bothered! I’ve even tried making everything more exciting by making it as gay as possible, like, using Xena and Buffy as example in my Media essay, or comparing Liz Feldman and Julie Goldman in my English. Nothing’s working.
Basically, I’m being a total whiny bitch because I’m freaking out about failing. I also have realised how much it’s gonna cost to go to uni. A lot. I’m also in debt by about £300 to my parents. The thing is, even if I did randomly go back in time and sprout an extra week, I can almost guarantee you I’d just spend it in bed doing shit all! I didn’t even go to the gym for two weeks because I couldn’t be bothered… My entire life lacks in motivation! Maybe I’m not pushing myself because I think I’m gonna fail and it’ll be less embarrassing if I fail without trying than putting the effort in and failing anyway. I don’t know. All I know is that unless I seriously buckle down I’m not going to uni. I have my deadlines in a few days. I’ve been telling myself I need to do this for months. I fail at life.
This academic year has gone so quickly, and I don’t feel like I’ve achieved much, bar making new friends! I’ll manage it. I always scrape by… Somehow!
On a good note though, my best friend of all time, Brodie, has started blogging, so I think you should check it out, because, to be honest, she’s almost as cool as me! It’s just a blog about stuff that happens in her life or things she finds interesting and amusing. I can pretty much guarantee that it’s gonna be good. So, check it out http://brodiedb.tumblr.com/ kthx.
So, now I’ve wasted a sufficient amount of time writing this, I feel I should stop. I probably shouldn’t have started, but it’s a lot more productive than making pterodactyl noises and talking with a gay lisp. Get over the fact that I’m kinda weird? Over and out! (I’m so lame!)

Post production edit: StumbleUpon.com is my new favourite website. It’s basically the procrastinators essential! And I’m not sure whether Stumbling Upon this: http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/24AieZ/asil.logicalinsanity.ca/300college%252520paper.html was ironic, or a sign…

Who needs Santa when you've got best friends?

I have had the best two nights of my life and my faith in Christmas has been restored.

As I told you, I was having a Christmas with my friends, so, I did, and it was amazing. The presents we got and gave were amazing, the atmosphere was amazing, and the company was beyond amazing. Quick note before you start; Keya, the camp one who’s house we stayed at. David, also gay and brilliantly weird. Louisa, loud, straight and a lot of fun. Brodie, the best friend of many, many years. Here’s how it went:

Tuesday, David and I went to town, I got my hair cut, we did some irrelevant, unexciting stuff, went back to his, where his mother gave me several items from around the house she didn’t want which I could give to my little sister as Christmas presents (it’s the thought that counts, right?), and then went to Keya’s. Also, while David and I were in town, we walked round the back of the bus station, and found a shoe box with a pair of worn, old, black canvas shoes, from Primark (so, they would have cost £2, new). David and I being, well, David and I, decided it would be a good idea to take them, as they were clearly not wanted, wrap them up and give them to Keya as a Christmas present. We also found a discarded Dora the Explorer badge on our travels, which we deemed perfect for Louisa. We then later wrapped up the badge and placed it in the biggest box we could find, for the soul reason of confusing her.

David and I arrived at Keya’s house, and we then walked to the shops near his house, to meet Brodie and stock up on food for that evening and the next day. All together we bought 8 boxes of chips, 3 mini pizzas, Alphabetti, a box of Celebrations, a box of Cadbury’s Heroes, 2 big bags of Sensations, 2 tubs of Ben & Jerry’s, 4 pain au chocolats, and probably more, coming to a total of just over £22. Oops! We got back to Keya’s, cooked our dinner, and ate it, whilst waiting for Lou.

Louisa arrived and the present opening began. Everything was amazing; I don’t think any of us got bad presents. I made Brodie a t-shirt, that had the gay pride flag in the background, a picture of us in the corner in a heart and it said ‘I’m not a lesbian but my best friend is’. Keya got heels that said ‘Queen’ inside, a maids outfit, big pink sunglasses, long black gloves and a Cruella de Vil style cigarette holder, which he wore all together, along with his ‘GaGa wig’ and wrapping paper as boobs. If you live in the UK and not under a rock, you’ll know about Rage Against the Machine vs. X Factor for Christmas number 1. Keya is strongly on team X Factor, so Lou got him a CD, with Joe McElderry’s single cover on the front, but burnt onto the CD was RATM. His face was hilarious! He also got a serious CD, which was Glee: Volume 1. Louisa, who is terrified of sheep, got a blow up sex sheep, curtsy of David, and I got her a sheep necklace. David also got Keya and Lou porn DVDs each, one called, Toy Stories, and the other, Headmaster 2. David was given a space hopper and a slinky, much to his delight, and among other things, fake nipples, as its well know that David has erectile dysfunction in his nipples. Louisa and I were given mugs where the picture on the front changes as hot water is added. Louisa got two lesbians, one on top of the other, and their clothes disappear when hot water is added, revealing everything, and I got a girl in a bikini, where the same thing happens as hot water is added. I also was given a turkey baster and a pregnancy test, naked women on my wrapping paper, a book (obviously for ironies sake) called ‘How to Pull Girls’, three lesbian DVDs and Xena: Warrior Princess for Playstation 2.

We then started drinking, laughing, generally being merry and listening to Christmas songs. Brodie needed to be home, so we walked her, since she only lives 5 minutes away from Keya’s, whist freezing and sliding on the ice as we went.

We got back, and ended up going to sleep at about 3, with a very drunk Louisa and Keya sleeping on the double airbed on the floor, and a relatively sober David and I sleeping on a sofa each. I awoke at 12 and the others woke up at half past. We had a pain au chocolat each, and half a tub of Ben & Jerry’s, along with the sweets and chocolate we received as presents, whilst watching Glee, all day, until about 7 when David and Lou got picked up. It was very chilled, and really lovely. We also looked at the many pictures that had been taken the previous evening, which was hilarious.

I can’t quite describe how amazing the two days I had was. I just know that I am extremely grateful for having such amazing, amazing friends, who I love very much. It wasn’t the presents, the food, the lights, decorations, music, drink, etc that made this Christmas special. It was spending it with the people I love, and having an amazing time with them. That’s what Christmas is about.